A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have had a very rocky relationship. We started dating almost immediately after my previous relationship, which was a huge mistake on my part, because for at least 6 months into the relationship, I still wasn't over my ex. My ex came back to me and for a few months I was hopping back and forth between the two, until I decided to be with my current boyfriend. Well, all this hurt him a great deal, and 6 months later, close to our one year anniversary, he cheated on me with the a random girl, twice. The first time, he said he had been thinking of breaking up with me for a while, off and on, because he wasn't sure if he was ready to settle down into a serious relationship, and also didn't think I took the relationship very seriously (our fights were pretty bad, I have to admit. I got violent and walked out on him and he would chase me down the street a few times a week, thinking once I left I'd never come back). Well, he says he felt guilty the whole time and we broke up shortly afterward. It was a mutual breakup where, we agreed that we both wanted different things out of life and needed time apart to grow if we wanted to make our relationship work. But this break was too hard to stick to, and although we didn't get back together right away per se, we still spent most days together. Needless to say, during this break, he slept with the girl again. She was drunk and all over him, and he claims he tried to walk away from her, but admits he never said 'no'. I found out about the first time they slept together a few days after the second time. He swore to me he would never do it again, that he couldn't, and swore to me that he wanted to be with me, and not just be friends with benefits (as I offered, to see what he would say). Things went so well for two weeks until the girl told me about the second time. He started freaking out and hurting himself. When we were able to calmy discuss why there was a second time at all, he said he thought things were already too messed up and just went along with her drunken advances. He still swears he only wants to be with me and will do anything to prove to me that I can trust him. But what do I do now? I love him so much, more than anyone. And, I know he is a really good person deep down, but he is very messed up (drug addiction and suicidal tendencies his whole life) and possibly too unstable to be in a relationship. I am still willing to stick it out if there is anything I can do to make him prove to me that he loves me. I know a break is a good idea, but last time we went on a break he slept with her and I will never know if it happens again...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): You know what I think you guys need to stop torturing yourselves. Like you said, he has some pretty deep issues, he is suicidal and is a drug addict. What are you thinking here, girl? These are absolute dealbreakers you cannot have a real relationship with a guy who is a drug user. Because he is only in love with the drugs, and he
can't kick his habit....the fact that he suffers form suicidal tendencies tells me he has psychological issues that he is self medicating with the drugs. He needs rehab not a girlfriend.
Be kind to him, stop insisting he "prove his love for you". He is single, so are you, he can sleep with another girl if he wants to when you are not in an exclusive relationship....and I guess so can you. You are only enabling him by accepting him in your life while he has a drug problem, you keep accepting behavior from him that you don't want and you keep doing it over and over again and somehow you are expecting different results....did you know that is the definition of insanity? Just let him go, wish him well, stop talking to him or texting him or emailing him or dating him or phoning him and especially stop having sex with him......
Concentrate on you and your life and dreams. It is not your responsibility to fix him or convince him or sell him on anything.....it is his.
A
female
reader, Arorah77  +, writes (3 February 2009):
 I think you need to take a breath. Find somewhere where you can have a bit of space without him. Go for a weekend away with a girlfriend or something like that. You need, for a short while to cut off all contact with him, this is so you can think.To me, he needs to get help. Counselling might be the best idea. He clearly needs someone, and this explains the immediate affection seeking when you 'break' with him. He will continue to look for affection untill he is stable it's human nature (if there is such a thing).Take time to look after yourself and think thngs through. Maybe you need to give him the untimatum, to either get help, and PROVE his changes, or you won't be with him again.Do not blame yourself for his behaviour, but if you really feel that he can change for the better, then make him prove it. If he cheats one more time, so much as a kiss, then you'll know that he is not the one for you.
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