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He says we can't date because of distance. Do I keep him as a friend?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 February 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 February 2012)
A female United States age 36-40, *ontknow84 writes:

I started talking to this guy who I met on a dating site back in September. It was very casual and after a month of going back and forth with texts we finally met up for dinner. I almost did not go because we both kept canceling previous dates and I figured that we probably were not ever going to meet. Needless to say we did end up meeting up and it was funny b/c when we met he told me that he was feeling the same way and thought we were never going to meet as well. I was so pleasantly suprised when I saw him and we got to talking. I had absoultey no expectations for our date, and it went so good. When we met we were living 15 mins apart from each other, but I was moving that next week about 40 mins away to my sisters house for one month, and then in Jan I was moving 1hr and 30 mins away bc of a new job. He was bummed about it and kicking himself for not meeting me sooner. That week we went on 4 dates with each other. I moved that next week and at that point we saw each other once a week and were talking all the time. Things were going pretty fast and I was swept of my feet. We were talking on the phone all the time, he was telling me he missed me, talking about future, saying i was the light of his life. He mentioned the distance being a potential problem bc we would never get to the next level once I moved again, but I told him we'd be fine. That continued on for the first month and then he pulled away completely. I was so confused. I confronted him and he said things were going too fast. I was hurt but I backed away. We didnt speak for two weeks and then we had plans to see a concert so we saw each other and the sparks were back. When we are together it is great, but he always says the distance is a problem. So in Jan I moved farther away. We did not see each other for a month (he was supposed to come down a couple times and cancelled last min). We finally saw each other on Saturday and it was amazing. He is not a drinker and we were drinking and i asked him what is going on with us and he started saying that he has been in relationships since HS and this year is his first time being single ever (he's 27 was in a couple long term relationships all which he lived with the gf , his last broke up like 6 months ago) He told me that it sounds horrible but he needs to be single and get it out of his system. He said he really cares about me and I am absoultely everything that he wants and he could see us being longterm, but with the distance and him not being ready he knows he will hurt me if we even attempted anything. I told him i understood bc i came out a nine year relationship 1yr 1/2 ago and i needed to find myself and be single for a while. But the difference is now i am ready to be with someone. He said he was sorry and he was scared to hurt me and tell me those things. I felt relieved that he told me that although it hurts to hear im perfect for him, but we still can't be. We spent the night and next day together and when i was leaving he hugged me so tight n told me he was really sorry. I told him i understood. My whole way home i thought about what to say to him so i told him that im not mad at him and appreciate his honesty, but we need to go seperate ways atleast for now. He told me he understands. Im upset, and hoping he will realize he misses me but also scared. So the real question....do I cut all contact with this man? Or do I keep him around as a friend?

View related questions: broke up, spark, text

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A female reader, Dear Mandy United Kingdom +, writes (16 February 2012):

Dear Mandy agony auntHi

given the way you feel, and he is saying he wants to be single, I doubt you will be able to stay fiends to be honest. You will always be feeling this way when in contact, maybe leave him be, make no contact what so ever, if he wants to be with you abcense makes the heart grow fonder ( with no contact he will soon find this out ) and if he dont make contact with you , then you will know he is not the one for you..

I hope you can sort this out.

Mandy xx

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A female reader, dontknow84 United States +, writes (16 February 2012):

dontknow84 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Mandy. I did tell him how I felt. He knows I want a relationship and he said that he could not because he was not ready and needed to be single since he has never been before. He said it was not fair to me bc he would only hurt me bc he wouldnt give me 100% that I deserved. I cannot fault his honesty. I'm gonna give him the time he needs. I agreed to be friends but is that possible?

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A female reader, Dear Mandy United Kingdom +, writes (16 February 2012):

Dear Mandy agony aunthi

then may I suggest you write him a letter as to how you are feeling. Not an email or text it's inpersonal, explain how he makes you feel when his around, as I think from his eyes you dont want nothing more than a fling every now and then. see how this goes and keep me up to date

Mandy xx

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A female reader, dontknow84 United States +, writes (16 February 2012):

dontknow84 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Im ready for a relationship, I've tried hard. The move was bc of a new job and I was commuting 2 hrs a day to get to work. He is all I can think about. I thought I saw a potential future w him.

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A female reader, dontknow84 United States +, writes (16 February 2012):

dontknow84 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear Mandy the reason I moved was because I got a new job and was commuting two hours to work everyday. The temp move was to ky sisters house bc my lease ended and my new apt was not avail until Jan. If was very bad timing. I cannot stop thinking of him :(

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A female reader, Dear Mandy United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2012):

Dear Mandy agony auntit sounds like to me YOUR not ready, you start seeing this guy, yet you move further away each time......what are you running from? what are you afraid of? if things are so great when your together why keep going further and further away?......I think you should put this man out of your mind and let him move on, you need to sort out your own conflicts first, because untill then you will not be able to let another man close to you. keeping him around is being selfish, because you dont want commitment, yet you dont want to be alone, your afraid if you dont date you will be left on the shelf....that wont happen, take some you time, figure out who you are and where you want your life to lead, then and only then will you be ready to move on properly.

hope this helps

Mandy

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