A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what to do anymore.Im i dont know im lost. Im truly in love with this guy (were in a long distance relationship) and I think Ive just lost him.I uhmm well Im not the most attractive girl in the world but Im not ugly but Im over-weight and thanks to that and the nasty things my mother has said to me over the years Ive became an incredibly insecure and paranoid person.Well I met this guy online more than 2 year ago now and he was a friend to begin with which progressed into love for each other. To begin with it was amazing but then my insecurities kicked in and we had some ups and downs but all was ok. But for the past few months Ive been having like a battle with myself in many ways (looks, school, friends, family, personal issues etc) and Ive been taking it out on him in the form of complaining about things he does or doesnt do and by getting mad over things that Im not actually mad at (as its something else) but Im taking it out on him and making him seem like hes not fulfilling my needs.Truth is he's perfect. He has all the qualities in a guy I could ever ask for and so much more. Just to see him makes me smile and I love his hair and his cute little eyebrow raise when hes confused, and how he adores to mock me especially in my blonde moments and how when im physically with him he makes me feel weightless and like nothing else matters and all my problems disappear, I love how he makes me feel when hes around and I could go on but basically this guy is perfect and I can see myself being with him for the rest of my life, waking up next to him is amazing and when I left him I felt soo sick and it felt wrong which is another reason I know Im meant to be with him.But I fucked up...alot. I realised what I had been doing and knew I needed to see someone (therapist) but I still cant see one until next week and ofcourse its too late. Over the weekend I did it again and then he was like obviously I dont give you what you need youd be better off without me but after ALOT of crying and telling him the truth he stayed but he was like ok im still here but ur on thin ice with me.Well now he feels so distant and last night he just went offline, he didnt tell me he was even going to bed and we usually do that (altho i know his comp was messing up but conviently at bed time) I keep thinking what if he doesnt love me anymore or what if he doesnt want me and Im to scared to even ask him incase Im wrong and push him...Im so confused.I really really dont want to lose this guy, I dont know what I would do without him...infact he is the perfect guy in so many ways that Id never find anything even close to him ever again. But no matter how I feel at the end of the day I want him to be happy, whether thats with me or not unfortunately...I just dont know what to do now. Any suggestions? I need help, badly!!!
View related questions:
insecure, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 hi, Yes your insecurities are ruining your life. Your mind is playing a Cd of the accumulated messages of who your perceive you are.Time you removed that Cd and replaced it with some new messages.And your Mom has obviously imparted some messages that are playing with your head.So first up. I know you could probably write out a couple of pages of your negative points, but the ''little workers who run your brain inside your head'' (your mind, incorporated.) are overloaded with those negative messages, which are draining you and will hurt your relationships.(1). Write out your ten best points of what you like about you or qualities that you like or appreciate or value about you.Pin that list up in a private place and look at it often, to remind yourself that you are OK. (no qualifying, no minimising, no buts)(2). we are often dragged down by imagining that what other people think of us is important, it is not. So instead, repeat the following to yourself faithfully every morning for six weeks minimum:''what other people think of me is NONE of my business. That is their problem, not mine. Let them worry about it. I do not have time to worry about what they think of me''Because you do not and cannot waste your time worrying about what everyone else is worrying about.(3.)your business is to think about what special talents you do have. Because you do have them. And think about talents you would like to work on. For example, like to write? Do a local vocational course on creative writing and join a group who Enjoy creative writing. (example only - but you do need to think about activities that get you out interacting with and meeting people)..(4.) Lets shake out some of those negative messages that are playing daily in your head. Being negative or jealous is a complete waste of time. throw out the load of negativity you have been allowing to recycle through your brain daily, and replace it with positive messages that uplift you. Because you will become more fun to be around. For YOU and as a side benefits for those you interact with.(5.) You are who you think you are. So let's start focusing on the positive points, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.(6.) Banish ''people (mind) poisoners'' from influencing your take on life and your take on you. For they will drag you down to their level. If someone wants to say nasty things to/about you, then you do not have time to spend with them. Life is too short.(7.)do not associate with people who gossip nastily and are catty and mean about how they speak about others. Refer to rule 6.(8) you are focusing on him too much to provide all your future happiness. You need to derive a percentage of your support for you from YOU valuing YOU. It is lovely having him in your life. But he is not responsible for making you happy, YOU are responsible for that. Certainly tell him how much you appreciate and value him and how awesome he is in your view.(9). My cheap tips on how to develop your own mini gym at home. Take 4 large family size empty plastic fizzy drink bottles with screw on lids. Fill two with water and fill two with wet sand. Put lids on. These are now your 'home weights.'Sit or stand and hold one water weight in each hand. Take in a big breath of air, hold it as you Lift one in each hand very slowly, hold aloft for 5 seconds, then very slowly lower each bottle. Exhale the air and relax. Repeat 25 times. Now change to the wet sand bottles. Do same as above 25 times with the wet sand bottles.Do the above sets of hand weights once daily each morning before showering. Do twice a day at weekends. buy a little pedometer to attach to your belt. Start with aim to reach 3000 steps a day. After 2 weeks increment it to 5000 steps a day. Then 2 weeks later again increment it to 7500 steps a day.All the above is to address your love handles.Cut out all fried food, no cookies, no potato crisps, no candy, no pastry goods, no chocolate, no fizzy. Keep an apple with you for a snack. Explore the internet for other healthy snacks Drinks. No alcohol as it has too many empty calories. Try all the above for six months and you will be laughing.(10) like attracts like. So start being more positive, value and respect you, in order to attract people who value you, respect you, and care about you. And vice a versa.Who you think you are is who you become in the eyes of others. So change that Cd playing in your head.Best wishes, Abella
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 March 2011):
 Do your best not to take out your BS on him. Lean on him for support but don't lash out at the guy you love.Communicate what you're feeling to him. He wants to know and help. You don't have to stop feeling what you are, but don't displace those feelings onto him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Your insecurities and needy nature are pushing him away. It can be hard to love someone who does not love themselves. That fact that you had your dream boyfriend does not seem to have given you confidence, but only made you more insecure. If you can save this relationship you need to stop being negative and be positive. Stop looking in on yourself. It may be that it is too late but if not you really need to believe in yourself, we all have issues but you deal with life as it comes.
...............................
|
