A
female
age
26-29,
maryann61181
writes:My boyfriend of three years and I decided in November that we wanted a child. It was discussed and agreed that we would get married and most definitely if I were to get pregnant. I conceived almost immediately and a month later, I began to feel a distance from him. A few things occured between then and January, but I ended up leaving 1/1. I told him that I couldn't stand being second to his friends anymore. Two weeks later I allowed him to go to the ultrasound and tried to make ammends with him. I am currently 5 months pregnant and have been trying since I left to resolve our issues. I was told by him that he wanted to make it work as well. I was left with the impression that he still loved me - because he would say it - because he would kiss me. However, come to find out he had been intimate with another woman, during the time that he was telling me these things. I had known immediately - I had asked and I was lied to. He came clean and told me, because I caught him in a lie. We are now in therapy once a week - at my expense. I need to continue to try and be civil at least for the sake of this child. I will spend every penny I have, so that this baby has a good life.Since all of this has occured - and so much more - my ob has prescribed me with Zoloft. I don't understand why I love this man anymore. I don't understand why I'm so hurt. I don't know why he can't just tell me no, or, tell her no. I thought that if you were trying to make ammends and seeing a therapist that meant that there should no longer be someone else. He told me he was even contemplating marrying me - even now, yet she's still around. I don't understand that. Could someone please tell me what it is? I know that I should walk away, but I can't. I'm not strong enough right now to do that. Why does he tell me he loves me and then keeps her on the back burner? What can I say to him? I already tried to tell him either me or her. I already tried and continue to show him I love him. I'm lost.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (7 April 2007):
 My first advice still stands, 26 is young, and you are an educated woman and decided you could afford to have a baby, but why you jumped the gun to get pregnant before your marriage was a miscalculated attempt to solidify your relationship. I think you knew deep down that he was not as commited to the idea of marriage as you are.....
If you really love him and think there is a chance that you can get together, marry and raise this child, then keep working on the relationship. If your obgyn prescribed Zoloft for you, keep taking it, as he is the doctor and would not prescribe something that would hurt your growing baby, but help you to cope witih the obvious depression that you are experiencing, you should feel better in a month's time, and that lost feeling should be replaced with a clearer head,,,,hold off any decisions until you continue with your therapy and feel more clear headed...
A
female
reader, maryann61181 +, writes (7 April 2007):
maryann61181 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just to clafify a couple of things, so people know a little about me - together we make a substantial about of money and therefore finances were not a problem when we made the decision to have the child. I have one class left towards my MBA and he owns his own business. In a couple of months, I will turn 26 and he is of 33 years of age. We were going to begin marriage prep classes and were engaged to be married in June. Insurance coverage a certain percentage of the therapy - because it is out-of-network, but is refunded 6 weeks after each session. This is quite costly, especially when trying to prepare for a child.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (7 April 2007):
Well, first off, I don't understand why young people in the US decide to "get pregnant" before they have the marriage legalized....this is really mind boggeling to me, I guess the whole idea of having a child is some sort of romantic fantasy, or a macho thing with the guys, or just what the guy is willing to "say" to keep his girlfriend around, sort of a way to control her.
You have made a mistake getting pregnant this way before marriage....and now your man is backing away from his commitment to you by seeing another woman.
The fact that you are in therapy is a smart move, and it is a good sign that he is going with you....
I don't think that you would be wise to follow any advice given to you outside of your therapy as it will interfere with your progress there. You have a lot of work to do, and your therapist is there to help you make the decicions that will be best for you and the baby...so keep going to that even if it is at your expense. If you don't have health insurance to cover it, there are sliding scales based on income in the US through programs like the United Way, and some others.
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A
female
reader, chelsea33 +, writes (7 April 2007):
 Sounds like this guy will tell you what you want to hear, just like all guys. Actions speak louder than words. If he really was all about marring you then he would have told that other lady to get lost a long time ago an married you. If he wanted it to work he'd be there more and he'd be paying and taking the anitiative for the counciling. You know what you need to do but I understand its hard. If it were me I would test him, stop paying for therapy (save your money, your having a kid, they're expensive) and get off the zoloft (That can't be the best thing for the growing baby inside of you). By testing him I mean dont call him despite how much you want to and how hard it may be to go through the pregnancy with out him. See if he'll call you. Does he want to know how you are? Is he concerned about his child? It's hard at first but once you get more into yourself and bettering your and your babies future then you'll relize your strong enough to do this all and you dont need him. Dont bring up the topic of marrage cause obviously that scares him. Keep your eye on you and your baby. Thats all that matters. I am sorry this guy is being a jerk and bailing on you after all this time and all your plans. But I think if you give it time you'll be better off just raising a child together.
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