A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I remarried five years ago after a divorce and two year seperation. I came from a very abusive background. Now, I'm a survivor and live my life much happier. I don't think I've changed much, except that I am much happier with myself. I remarried him with the intention of being with him for the rest of my life. I voiced this same committment before he asked me to remarry him.But the last few years every two to three months. (I count this and it never fails.) He has something negative to say about what I'm "Not" doing. It usually revolves around sex, which was a problem in our first marriage, but no longer. Recently, after a three month hiatus from an argument that had him calling me lazy, not dressing to "please" him, and not catering to him "sexually", this argument ensued again. He was away for two months on business and wanted me to send dirty pictures. I've done this before, but at the time I was having my issues of not feeling very "sexy". I sent him pictures anyway. He eventually told me that it was a test. He really didn't want to the pictures after I said no. He talked about this with the "men" he was with and how their wives/girlfriends basically bent over backwards to please them. Next came, you don't wear dresses and you never look good. (I am a SAHM with children ranging from 4, 11, 14) My head is done and I personally don't like sweats, so I'm always groomed nicely. After this, came other complaints, which were comparisons to other women of the male friends from his business trips and him admitting that he told them negative things about me to them. I'm sure they had a sympathetic ear. After he tells me this, which I'm shocked to hear, I ask him. "Well, after you've pointed out all of my "short comings", do I make you happy?" His answer was: "Sometimes." Then he lets me know that he has "expectations" of me. I don't know how you can have expectations of a person you claim you love. You either accept them for who they are or go on to the next one. I don't have these expectations of him. I love him for who he is. Yet, he feels a need to "change" me. Now here I was thinking we were doing all right, yes every two to three months we have these bickering/arguments that deal with something I did, but I usually convince myself that this is "stress" and "explain" it away. We make up and everything is "fine" for the next two/three months. I was and am still very hurt that he said this. I was happy with my life, myself, and him. But I don't make him happy. Or it depends on the day, as he says. Am I missing something here? I'm not into this subtle abuse and constant breaking down of my self-esteem. I've been there and don't want a repeat. His complaints and now this have me thinking that this second marriage we've both changed and outgrew one another. He wants something different and it's no longer me.Your opinions are very welcome.DeedeeinWA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): Thank you for the opinions and suggestions. I'm very torn because of my committment to this marriage, but I also feel that there is no use for me to continue in it. I happened to find a letter that he wrote me a couple of years ago. He would write me a five or six page letter sometimes that just would make me feel awful. It was all my "faults" written permanently. I saved them, I really don't know why. Now that I have reread these letters, he is repeating the same thing over and over again. Expectations, unhappy, etc. It's not me, it's him! He is very unhappy with "himself" and "his life". And I cannot help him with this. I feel our marriage may not be salvagable because he's outgrown our relationship and there will be no third times the charm with me. More because I fear this repeat. I remember he used to let me know that he would never be alone. If we were to break up, he was letting me know that he could find another woman. I took that as him telling me that I was "lucky" to have him and that no other man would want me but him. I feel a seperation is needed. He needs to be on his own and find out what it is he really wants. Right now it is not me. If it is another woman that can cater to his needs without questioning his motives, than so be it. This time, our seperation or divorce will be mutual. If he's resistant, which I feel he will be, I don't know how to proceed to let him know it is best for our future relationship. We have children together. Thanks again for your advice. I agree with all of them and have thought these things myself. It is abuse and although he denies it I refuse to be the victim again.
A
female
reader, dlsgjsgj  +, writes (16 August 2007):
Hello,I'm also a survivor from an abusive background. I wonder if the fact that you changed from a victim to a survivor is the problem. If your husband was also a victim as a child but is in denial (or suffers from amnesia) it can lead him to become agressive toward a survivor. The reason is that many victims, in order to feel less powerless, identify themselves with theirs abusers. Then this part of them can't stand to see somebody becoming a survivor. And they become (very) aggressive. Alas if this is the case, you will have to protect yourself from him.So take good care of you and of your recovery!I have seen such problems even in survivors groups, for instance when I speak of very difficult issues, I become ostracized (but I still go on, haha).
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 I see your husband doesn't complain about you about the rest of the relationship, just about the sex. So, it's obvious that sex is the problem here.
I think you used a very good word to describe what he wants: he wants you to bend to his wishes. He has "expectations" you don't meet. I agree that you don't have to; he should take you as you are. He knew full well who you are since this is a remarriage.
I think this is a serious problems, as it keeps popping up all the time. It's not a temporary insatisfaction, but a permanent one. If you two don't deal with this heads on, it will grow out of control.
Maybe, as you said, he wants someone else and it's not you. What do you think you should do about this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): I think you show a very clear mind about the situation in what you write but I'm afraid what I read is also very clear - he is abusing you. I think you have become a stronger woman through all of this, he has become a weak man - and he knows this. He is asserting his control over you by putting you down to somehow gain power and strength - but you can surely see through it !! The real question is what do you do now? Monitor and keep a note. Look up 'Emotional Abuse' on the internet and clarify the symptoms. Decide whether you can change this man or not - or even if you want to bother. Marriage should not be a prison sentence.
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