A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy roughly a year ago in a bar.We began dating, we both work in the same industry so were both very understanding of the lack of time we could spend together however for three months we saw eachother at least one a day a week.at one point I admit I became a little needy as I really liked him and wanted to see more of him but work always got in the way on both sides.eventually we fizzled out, I dated others, but he had a hold on me and I couldn't get over him.I have never connected with anyone or felt more comfortable with anyone else, only him.which is why I could never move on.Every time he would call asking how I was I dropped everything for him, but he never wanted to actually meet me at that stage.around new year time we got in touch again and he wanted to see me again and we began dating again.however we had dates set to meet and three times in a row he would call saying he had to work.he was apologetic, but I felt so disheartened.on the last time he was meant to see me , again he couldn't he had to work, so he messaged me saying he had to cut the strings. he just couldn't juggle me and work. we were both hurt. but I accepted that, after nearly a year of being let down I'd lost hope. but I still miss him so much every day.I find it hard to let anyone in as iv had an awful past with men, but he got me.its been about three months since he broke it off.I had lost to willpower and asked him how he was and was always ignored. not sure why. then out of the blue I got a message about two weeks ago saying simply "miss you"then recently , in the early hours of the morning asking if I was awake.I wasn't I was asleep lol, but wish I was awake Id of loved to speak to him.I don't know what he wants. he made it clear he couldn't make it work, its been almost a year and hes still clinging on and so am I to be honest. friends have said im just back up plan, but I know how much he works, I just don't get it , im very confused and not sure what to say to him now. or to get him to come clean and tell me why he still remains in contact after all the disappointment.can anyone give advice? should I ignore it or what do I say? I just don't know.all I know is I do miss him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Good on you deleting his number. You HAVE done the right thing. yes it is going to hurt ALOT, for A WHILE.... ride it out, get busy, fill your life with things you enjoy or have always wanted to do. IF he ever texts you again, do NOT reply...or if you are not sure, your reply will be "who is this". Give it time, you will meet someone that treats you with respect and regard. Do not settle for anyone less.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 May 2014):
Dear OP,
My advice comes in the form of a book: "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt. He's a guy who helps us women (finally) figure out how to spot men who are just not that interested. And who aren't worth our time..
By the way: That "miss you" text at 2a.m. is really lame IF you think about it. If he really, really missed you from the bottom of his heart, he might at least have come up with a decent text or a proper phone call in the morning. And with a suggestion of when and where to meet. Those two-word messages are nothing more than a pathetic cry for attention when a guy is all out of ideas (and sex). Or when he is drunk, in a bar, pitying himself.
Personally, I don't care why doesn't have the time. If his job is more important than you all the time, you won't be happy with him. His job is his choice, it's not just an obligation that fell from the sky. If he wants to live his life that way, he has to deal with the consequences, such as being single.
Don't beat yourself up about this. Us women are sometimes too romantic and therefore we read too much into a mans' behavior. (It also happens the other way around, though). We all learn from mistakes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): If you've had an awful past with men then it's likely your self esteem is low and has been really knocked back even further by your experience of this guy. When we can't get over someone that clearly has not committed to us, it is often because our self esteem is so rock bottom that we can't see a future with anyone else - it feels impossible.This is what I think is going on for you.From his side of things - I've met guys like this who may not actually intend to set you up as a back up plan, but only because they're not even really thinking about it at all. They're so preoccupied with work that nothing else fits in. But the thing is, although it is work that they're preoccupied with, it's their need for their work that is really the key here - often it's a narcissistic need to feel 'powerful' - there will be things that he gets from work - the esteem of colleagues, the buzz of his status, the ease of fitting into and working relative to a corporate or other work structure - it's difficult to then criticise it because it seems so virtuous - it is work after all. But it may as well be another woman - because men like this need work like they need a woman's love, to make them feel powerful and great in themselves. Unfortunately for those of us who happen across them, it often means that, when they do meet a real, live woman, they absolutely turn on the charm and make her feel amazingly connected. Again, it's not even something that they may be consciously doing, it just feels natural to them. And because it feels natural to them it feels natural and amazing to you ESPECIALLY if you find it difficult to find or to connect up to other men. The attention that he gives you will feel like it's come from another planet. BUT the thing is, it has. It's come from planet "him" - he pays this attention to you NOT because of you and your needs but because of him and his needs. You just happen to be coincidental. It might seem like everything he does is so sensitive to you as an individual, but it's not. It's basically an act of vanity on his part, it simply fuels his narcissism even more - boosts him up and prepares him and strengthens him to go back to work, where his narcissism gets to run free even more.Eventually he will find some woman, at some time in his life, who will completely fit into his pattern. It won't be because there was anything wrong with you, it may as well be a 'blip' in his brain - something will just tell him he needs a woman to serve his narcissism but with this one he feels it will be easier to put that in place. Honestly, you really don't want this guy. The 'high' that you both felt is fuelled by needs on both parts and seeming like you are a great fit for one another - but it cannot last because this kind of intense sensitivity and great feeling can only happen because he is unavailable the rest of the time. It's a bit like going without your absolute favorite food for months on end, craving it and then having a meal with it included, thinking "at last, fantastic" and then you can't have it again for months. It feels that good and you crave it so much because you can't have it the rest of the time. And it is HIS narcissism that is restricting your access to him, not anything you've done wrong.Concentrate on building up your own self esteem and building confidence in meeting more men in different walks of life. Expect some disappointments and some near misses and expect, for a while, that no one will seem like him. You will find someone, but you need to grow your self esteem first.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 May 2014):
 Guys ALWAYS want - or, need - a "back-up plan (a woman who will be intimate with him)....
Women fall in to two categories:
1. Those who will be a "back-up", and,
2. Those who won't.
I suggest that you "sound" like a No 1, and should convert to a No 2.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): I really don't understand what you are waiting for. This man is not in your life. Why do you even pay attention to his little notes to you? I would just ignore him completely, move on, and find a real person who wants to be with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): im the OP :
you guys are right.
I hate to admit it.
iv deleted his number. and feel really hurt now. nothing new though I guess...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2014):
 A man can work 12-16 hours a day and if he cares about a woman he will manage to find time to contact her and even SEE HER.
this is a default back up plan for him when all else fails.
stop wasting your time hoping he feels for you the way you feel about him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 May 2014):
 Unless you want to keep wasting your time on a guy who CLEARLY doesn't WANT a relationship (at least not a relationship YOU want) - I would DELETE and BLOCK his number. Staying in contact is NOT helping you AT all.
You two keep doing this dance over and over thinking it's love and passion, but WORK keeps you apart. That isn't it. There are PLENTY of people working long and weird hours who can and who DOES make a relationship work.
I think if anything, you are his security blanket. He KNOWS when he says jump, you ask how high. You drop EVERYTHING for him. Which means, when he feels lonely or horny, there you are. ALWAYS available, ALWAYS saying yes.
YOU are in love with the IDEA of this man. NOT the man itself. Because the IDEA is an IDEAL, the man is not. No where in what you write does it seem like he CARES DEEPLY for you. WORK is ALWAYS more important to him them you are.
You can ASK him why, and I'm sure he will pull a LOVELY excuse out of his ass. Like, I MISS YOU so much. I can't stop thinking about you.... LOOK at his actions, THEN his words. THEY DO NOT MATCH. He, however knows EXACTLY what to say to get you to "flutter" with emotions.
Sorry, you NEED to take of those pretty rose colored glasses and wake up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2014):
 .. In the early hours of the morning ? textbook booty call.
Look, he has no time for you. Whether this is because he REALLY works so much ( I doubt it- people have an uncanny way to make time for someone they are really into ), or whether because he is stringing you along as a convenient plan B, it does not really make that much of a difference eventually.
He is either stringing you along and messing with your head , or, lamentably, he has no time / will / way / chances to make you part of his life in a way that would be enough for you. Either way, he is not available to you- either way, you do not get what you want. So, don't be stubborn and listen to your friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): I don't know the truth, but this is what I think: If he wanted to see you, he would. When someone is keen on someone, they will do anything so see them, He doesn't work 16 hours a day 7 days a week, so if he was keen, he would have made sure he saw you, even if it was for one hour.... a few times a week.I think he quite likes you, but isn't head over heels for you, yet knows that you really really like him...and how great that is for his ego. So, he keeps you on his thread....to boost his ego if he ever needs it.... to have another woman that adores him, to give him some attention if he is lacking it from others. He likes to keep you 'available' to him.I work long hours, raise three children, have hobbies, a house to maintain, family to care for...but I make my bf a priority, and see him at least two nights a week... and spend a good part of Saturdays together...even if he or I are working we will see each other around work.My advise to you, is to move on. Don't be available any more. At the very most HE needs to try harder to win your attention, if he wants it.Cut all ties, remove him from your life. In time, you WILL slowly but surely forget about him. It may take a couple of years....but you will. That then makes room in your life and your heart for someone that will love and adore you and never let you go.
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