A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidi am in love with a guy for 2 years. He knows that and we are in fwb. He is not seeing anyone and im not either. But he never introduced me as his gf. I am his friend, thats all he wanted from me, but i want more. I told him today i want to take this to next level, he didnt answer and he stopped taking my calls.I think he doesnt want to, so i send him a mail saying if he doesnt want to take to next level, we can break up. for that he said thats the greatest valentines gift he ever got. So that answered all my questions.but i couldnt stop thinking that i made a mistake by breaking up with him. i am feeling depressed, cheated. please help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers and support. He called me in the afternoon and did text me. Didnt respond. I believe he didnt take me seriously. I am gonna proof him, im serious this time and break up is for real.
A
female
reader, Curiouser  +, writes (15 February 2012):
The situation might be too raw for you to recognise it, but I think you've taken a step towards recognising and going after what matters to you in life.
You wanted a serious relationshionship; but settled with a friendship with benefits. This might have seemed better than walking away but it left your feelings at great risk, and perhaps prolonged the hurt.
The second area where I see you might be selling yourself short is actually in your communications. But I sense that this might not be your fault as he stopped taking your calls. If you're going to break up with someone, and you believe 'this is the end', it helps to talk to them. I wonder if you hoped that he would respond to your mail by stepping up to the mark and offering more so as not to lose you.
The answer you got will certainly be better for you in the long run... but I wonder if you need to be a bit more direct in your approach; communicate what matters to you with a bit more determination;
If you want a relationship; don't settle for friendship with benefit. (This can not only prolong heartache but prevent you from connecting with anyone else in the meantime).
If you decide to break up with someone you love, try and avoid 'Dear John' letters (especially on February 14th!) and talk to them about the situation directly. As I say, I don't think he left you with much choice if he stopped taking your calls, BUT I do think you might've learned a little more if you had spoken with him directly. Don't get me wrong; I DO think that you're far better away from him since he's not looking for a relationship, but I just wonder if speaking directly might have helped your self esteem right now;
Because, as it reads, his comment 'well, that's the greatest Valentine's Day gift I ever got...!' just might have well have been more of a wry retort than any insult. That's gotta be a huge difference to how you're feeling right now.
The sooner you walk away from this, the sooner you can start to heal. But perhaps you could take this for an opportunity to be more direct about what you want. If you want a relationship, don't settle for friendship with benefits. If you need to end things; don't write a 'Dear John' email on Valentine's Day.
Recognise what you want in life and love and don't compromise your ideals. If you have respect for your owns needs then others will be more likely to as well.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Before u start a fwb make sure your emotions r in check. Enuff said.
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A
female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (14 February 2012):
 well.. you feel cheated cuz you cheated urself. you thought that if you were FWB long enough it'd become something more?
Try to move on, dont regret it too much, it wasnt worth it.
by the way... all I had to do was read the title... and i knew that you didnt make a mistake, the guy is a jerk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): It would be a lie to continue anything with this man. He is unable to give you any emotional support or love. He just wants the sex. A man like that, can't be trusted. Because its about HIM, his Needs and he cares not about yours.The LIE of a FWB is that Women have chemicals that are set off in her brain that tells our bodies that we BOND, we grow close to the one we are sexually intimate with. We produce happy chemicals as well as the Bonding chemicals. EVEN when we lay beside a man, those chemicals are released. So no, we women are NOT designed for such scenarios. We were MADE to be LOVED, ADORED, CHERISHED, HONOURED, and to be RESPECTED which doesn't happen in a FWB situation.Just wish more women knew our physiological make up and WHY its adivsed to NOT be in such a relationship. It becomes neglectful and one of abuse when a man uses Us, even at our 'consent'.Women need to be more responsible and accountable over our bodies, minds, and hearts and AVOID the mindless, selfish AHOLES period.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): He did what many men do (some women do this to men but it is usually men using women)--he hung in there until more was asked of him. He will find another woman who will give him six first before love. If you find him in a quick relationship do NOT allow jealousy to eat you--she gave him what he wanted. The great thing about a break-up--we reach our goal weight. I would not spend weeks pigging out. If you want some chocolate, ice cream, etc--do that briefly. Use this time to LOVE YOU. You time time to be good to you. Go to the gym. Join one or join a class if you do not work out already. Is there a class that you may want to join to learn something FUN?? (I get that you are not immediately ready but start thinking about this). Get a couple of girlfriends who are trustworthy to move you out of the house. If you must be alone do a few matinees (usually empty mid week but at least you will dress and go do something). HE WAS NOT WORTH IT. He was your 'friend' and should have not wanted to see you hurt. DOG that he is, you are deserving of more. HE KNEW you hoped for more as your friend. YOU DESERVE LOVE. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER contact him. I agree--delete, block, do not invite further hardship. and pain. He counts on you doing something and believe me he says in his head--she will run to me if I want. Do not allow him to do this to you. You participated. Ok. Do not beat yourself up. We all want love, we have all hoped. He was not the one. HE GAVE YOU A GREAT GIFT. You can move on. Here is something to think about: He does not know if you are busy with someone else when you are not sharing your life and info with him. Hold that thought. When you do leave the house look great. Do not focus on finding new love. Focus on you. My new mantra is telling myself that it was not my time to find the one, but releasing myself lets me be available when it is time. Same for you. You go girl because you know you totally deserve love and happiness. Happy Valentine's Day, because today you are free for cupid to shoot someone on your behalf and if it takes him a few months to hobble your way--he is coming. Be good to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Breaking up with him was also the best Velentine's Day present FOR YOU!!!!!
See, in FWB, it's common that - over time - one of those "friends" wants more than a "FWB"... and wants a REAL "relationship." In your case, it was you. Your "friend" was content to enjoy sex with you... but wanted no more than that.....
So, your "breakup" called him on his expectations from the FWB (nothing "wrong" with that; after all, that's what "FWB" really means.) But, you were hoping for more, and you won't get it from/with him...
Good luck in the future....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2012):
 No you did not make a mistake. You told him you wanted more. He knew he could not give you what you wanted so he’s happy to be done.
K C100 is correct, he took what you gave him… he never will give you what you want… I’ve found over and over that 90% of the time in a FWB relationship the woman is the one who gets hurt….
He has not lied to you. He has not promised you things he won’t provide or can’t provide… he’s made it clear he’s DONE… you must respect that. Going after him will just make you look and feel more pathetic. Don’t do it.
You are depressed and feeling cheated because you figured if you gave him your body he would fall in love with you… this is how it works for women… but the old saying goes: “Women need a reason to have sex men just need a place” and in so many cases it’s true…
Women have sex to get closer… men get closer to have sex… clichés all of them but so true…
Make a 100% clean break like K C100 suggests..delete his info. Block his name/number/facebook/twitter etc…
You have my permission and encouragement to take SIX WEEKS to wallow in self-misery… eat ice cream… cry bang your pillow, curse him out… wear dark glasses and no makeup… feel simply lousy…. SIX WEEKS of self-misery… then you pull up your big girl panties and slowly get on with life…
You will think of him 24/7… it will overwhelm you. From the second you wake up to the second you go to sleep you will think of him. Allow this… do not punish yourself for this.. MISS HIM… think of him as much as possible… seriously…. Then stop trying to. It will naturally happen.. you will wake up one morning and he will not be the first thing on your mind… you will not even realize you did not think of him till you get in the shower…. Then one day you won’t think of him till you get in the car.. then one day it will be like magic you will get into bed to go to sleep and you will think of him and you will realize that IT’S THE FIRST TIME YOU THOUGHT OF HIM ALL DAY and that’s healing… it’s such a slow gradual process you don’t even realize it.
Sucks right now… I know and I’m sorry but it will get better and you will meet the right guy….. but if you continue to stay with this man you won’t be open to new relationships.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (14 February 2012):
 I completely agree with k_C 100. If you were FWB and this was the accepted case...then comes the saying...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...
You did the right thing by breaking it off because its not FWB you are looking for. You really need to be spending your energy on finding someone who wants to be in a relationship. The words he is using "best gift ever to breakup" show that he is really just a low-life. Aim higher hun xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): Sorry that despite you hoping for more, and being patient for 2 years hoping he would feel the same, it was not to be...this is the risk of FWB.
The fact that you are in love with him, and wanted more, things had to change. You did the right thing breaking up with him if he didn't return the feelings and all he wanted was FWB.
His response was quite cruel, and should help you in moving on! He hasn't made it hard at all knowing you did the right decision!!! Indeed, all your questions were answered.
You have definitely not made a mistake breaking up with him, otherwise 2 years down the line, or 5 years down the line, you would still be in the same boat.
After a break up it's normal to feel depressed, cheated of time and lots else, but you will recover and heal, and you will get over him. This too shall pass.
You deserve MUCH MORE from someone you are in love with - someone who feels the same, so wait on love - real love.
Spend time talking to family and friends, sharing it, crying if you need to, and then pack it away, use the lessons learnt, and be kind to yourself. One day you will look back on this Chapter and know you did the right thing. It might not seem that way now, but many of us can attest to the fact we broke up with someone and survived, and sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.
Wishing you a "speedy recovery" and thinking of you on this day of love. You will find love again one day, and it will be real and true.
Blessings
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Look - the problem here is that you settled for a FWB when you wanted a relationship. Men never take women seriously if they give away sex easily, therefore your guy never took you seriously because you were just sex to him. That's why he would never treat you like a girlfriend, he only saw you as sex.
If you want a real relationship based on love, trust and respect then dont give sex away so easily. Sex is not going to make a guy fall for you! Try not to sleep with a new man for at least a month, if not more so he sees that you are not easy and that you want something serious.
If you dont allow yourself to be used like this then you will be far more likely to end up having a relationship and becoming someone's girlfriend.
Yes it hurts right now, break-ups always do. But you did the right thing - he just wants FWB, you want more. You are not compatible because you want different things, so accept that and try to move on.
It will be painful for a while, and you will feel depressed for maybe weeks or even months. But eventually when you have allowed enough time to pass the pain will fade away, you will feel like you are over him and you will be free to meet someone new, someone who wants a real future with you.
Delete his number, take him off facebook, delete his email etc....make sure you cant contact him in a moment of weakness. You have broken this cycle of you being in love but being used by him, so if you contact him again he will only continue to use you - so it must end now. Dont contact him ever again and it will be far easier to move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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