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female
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anonymous
writes: Ok, I REALLY would like some advice before I marry my fiance. I am 23, and he is 26. We've been together for 3 years. He treats me well, and everything about the relationship is very good. we have the usual spats, but we always end up back together. So the problem. 2 weeks ago, he finally proposed. This was expected in some way, but I was completley surprised when he did it. I thought this would be the day of my life, but this is what he said to me: "I have to admit, for the first year we were together I was completley convinced we would never make it, but my friends told me I would be crazy to break up with you, so I trusted their instincts and held out. I've never been happier than when Im with you or more greatful to them for showing me just how special you are. I love you, Will you Marry Me?" Please, does anyone else have a bad reaction when reading this? I mean, I love him but I cant believe how much he doubted me, and it took his Friends to convince him. I know how he means, I just feel kind of down that he really didnt want to be with me, and for A YEAR! thats a long time. there was so much that happened that first year that i remember fondly but now when i think about it all, i just cry. im pretty upset and i told him. he told me he meant to say how stupid he was, etc. but for some reason i cant get rid of the thought that i wasnt good enough. he said he's so sorry for hurting me and i think i can forgive him, but i'd just like to hear some outsiders opinions.
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (9 February 2006):
 Put the marriage plans on hold and tell him to ask you again in a year. I see nothing there about how you feel about HIM, which is the most important thing. I don't see you saying that he is the love of your life. This should not be all about him or his friends. I am not sure how you can accept the proposal when you feel it is half hearted. You don't have to accept any old person to live the rest of your life with. It must be perfect. Maybe it will be next time he asks.
A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (9 February 2006):
 You sound like hard work. Maybe he was right and his friends were wrong?
Also if you're having doubts about this, chances are that getting engaged is the wrong thing to do.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (9 February 2006):
 Oh, I wouldn't worry too much. It sounds to me like he'd been rehearsing his proposal over and over in his head, and what came out was a little of the "back story" in his mind, instead of the romance he'd intended. He was probably really nervous, so prattled on a little more than was strictly necessary.
Rather than focus on the exact words of his proposal, think about his actions over the last three years. That's where the real love is (or isn't). Is he nice to other people? Does he think about your needs as often as his own? Is he kind to you? Does he show you respect and try to do things that make you happy? Do you laugh together regularly? Does he have a mature outlook about kids, finances, the future?
If you can say Yes to all those things and you love him just as much, then the exact wording of his marriage proposal is pretty irrelevant, isn't it? He could have written "will U marry me?" in crayon on a paper towel and gotten the message across, right? The point is, he wants to marry you. In fact, you could end up laughing about the awkwardness of his actual proposal in years to come... that is, if the two of you are really suited for marriage.
Cut him some slack and remember that asking you to marry him was probably the scariest thing he's had to do in his whole adult life. In a way, it's kind of cute that he ran off at the mouth when crunch time came.
Look beyond that and at the man, not his words. Then you'll know whether to accept. And whether to worry about it.
Hope this helps.
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