A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am so discouraged. B/F of 4 years rarely makes me feel special or does romantic things. I've known him for a number of years before we got involved, so I know he's capable of doing sweet things for the other women he's been involved with, but for me, he does very little and makes very little effort. I sometimes think I was his re-bound girl, therefore he is not that attracted to me, or seems to seem me like a friend with benefits. We are living together, his family loves me but sometimes I feel more like roommate he has sex with. He rarely tells me he loves me, he never compliments me no matter what I wear, or how I do my hair and make-up. Yet the man I knew before was not like this. He was always so devoted to the other women he was with; always raving about their accomplishments, or how they dressed, how beautiful their hair was etc, etc. When I point it out to him, he just shrugs, and nothing changes. Am I expecting too much? He says I'm just spoiled or that I put too much pressure on him because I "expect" certain things. But I think when a man loves a woman these things come naturally without prompting or constant reminders. For the first 2 years we were together he didn't even remember my birthday or Valentine's day and only now will he because I threw such a fit and he said I was a bitch. Please tell me if I'm wasting my time on this guy. We get along well most of the time as long as I don't expect much out of the relationship, it just seems like we are on different planets most of the time.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 I happen to agree with TastofIndia.
Men usually want to please their women. They may not always do so in the way women want, i.e. flowers or gifts or compliments. I often advise women to be clear about their expectations. Men (generally speaking - there are exceptions) enjoy a woman who will let them know "I want bla bla from you."
It makes like easier for everyone.
While his inability to recognize your birthday or Valentine's Day as special dates to you suggests he does not view you as special as you'd like, or is taking you for granted, take a good look at yourself and your relationship before you enter into this "big talk".
ARE you too demanding (aside from wanting him to show you he cares)? Are you also hard to get a compliment from? Do you always give compliments or do special little things because you expect something in return?
How do you keep the “spice” in your relationship? Is there stress on your relationship because you are living with his parents?
I always recommend that a woman keeps herself sexy and fresh in a relationship. She could send dirty text messages while he is working, for example, or inspire an erotic massage ending in a brand new way for him to achieve orgasm (brand new to them as a couple).
Maintain a social life. It helps him to better value what he has if he can see you through the eyes of his friends or other people.
Have hobbies. Do things with other people that take you outside of your home and away from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
You could have this talk with him in even (non-accusatory) tones with the open-mind of one ready to recognize that she may have helped the relationship as a whole enter into the “mundane” territory. People do not respond well to “It’s all your fault!”
At the end of the conversation, you will find out if you should move on or not.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Well, here's how you find out if you're wasting your time. Speak up and tell him that you really miss having a boyfriend who shows you and tell you how much he loves you. Tell him that you miss the compliments and that you feel like he no longer loves you or finds you beautiful. Give him one last chance to shape up. Maybe you didn't make things clear enough before.
But, if his attitude still doesn't change, if he shrugs his shoulders and nothing gets better, then I would finish this relationship. It's clearly not fulfilling what you want it to, and what you want doesn't seem unreasonable.
Good luck, sweetness!
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