A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've had 4 dates with this guy, and now he says he needs space and things have moved faster than he's comfortable with.... we haven't even kissed, but emotionally we are very attached; we had also chatted on msn or talked every night for the last 5 weeks. That was 6 days ago, and last night he sent me an msn message saying "hello how are you"... which I received 10 mins later.... and then didn't hear back from him - did he lose his bottle? I'm totally frustrated that he hasn't let me know why he needs the space.... although he has a major exam in a few days time. He has been married twice, aged 53, and I'm getting divorced. I don't want to blow it with him, but I am losing my cool, as yesterday I texted him and sent him an msn message before he came online...What should I do now?
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divorce, msn, needs space, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): If you really want a loving relationship that will last until you die, then working with someone who you care for, see a future with, but who is currently having a rough time by being patient; sharing with each how the problem makes you feel; what fears you may have because of it, and working together to support and share in the responsibilities of taking on that part the other is less able to. If you are not able or willing to act as a coach; a best friend and either as mother or a father, then you are not ready for a relationship with anyone.
None of us are perfect, we all hold bagage from the past, and if we can't participate as a loving partner in supporting and being compassionate to others needs, as well as our own, we will always have nightmare and frustration relationships.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): I dont think i could be bothered with all this carry on at that age, so think long and hard and maybe give him a big elbow. I would walk, sorry but i cant put up with childish nonsense like this. He doesnt sound to me like he wants or even needs a relationship.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): To me, it sounds like he's not too sure about having a relationship with you right now.. Maybe give him a bit of space for a week or 2, then ask him what he wants to do, and how he feels. I know its hard, because you obviously like him a lot, but give him time to decide what he wants. Good luck :]
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): You are falling into the classic trap. Men don't like too much emotional intimacy all the time. They like to go in their caves and be able to switch their attention to another thing without a women immediatly demanding "Me, Me me!!!"
He has an exam. Maybe you are not as close as you think. Maybe you have come on to strong and he enjoyed it for a while but is finding it a bit heavy. They are usuallly very simple in motive, it is us that overthinks the psychology into massive proportions.
If he wants to see you he will be in touch, you can't make him want to and the more you push, especially now, the less likely it will be. Face the fact that you are not in control. It is not that bad. Grip the uncertainty and spend some time doing stuff you like to, stop thinking and thinking about this man.
Don't be needy, men like to think a woman is discerning about who they want to be with. They don't want to be like a girlfriend.
My advice would be to find a way to joke through it. This example is a bit sily and may be the sort of thing I would do if I made a big booboo. You may find it mad or wierd but perhaps can think of something you could do that is you, that he would "get". Here goes: If I were you I would be likely to find a pair of wind up false teeth and send them to him with a card that said: "Now I have stopped talking and typing I realise my teeth have fallen out and I wonder whether you would mind putting them back?"
Even if he never contacted me again I would at least know he either had a big laugh, or would thank his lucky stars that he finished with that mad toothless woman.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 How long have you known this guy? I have to say, after reading this, you sound a little too eager and a bit obsessive- this can scare people off. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't have gone on any dates with you or he would have ignored you after the first date but I do think you are pressuring him and pushing things. I understand that going through a divorce is really rough, but you need to be reaching out to your friends and family so this guy can have some breathing room. I would really back off and respect his wishes so you don't blow it all together. Let him study for his exam for a few days. Going forward, you may want to keep track of how much he is texting/calling you versus you texting/calling him- think of it like playing tennis- don't bombard him with tennis balls- let him hit the ball back into your court. When he does text you- don't text back right away- wait about an hour. This will take some of the pressure off of him because he doesn't want to feel like you are desperately waiting for contact. The fact that you are losing your cool over this given what you wrote, that's WAY too many expectations you are placing on someone at this stage.
Since you have been married and are going to be new to the dating scene, you may need a few tips to catch up to speed:
Typically when you first start dating, it's pretty common to just have a date maybe once a week and not a whole lot of contact (you want to give the other person a chance to think about you and be interested- they can't do this if you are always there in their face)
Make sure most of your interaction is face to face- use the phone and texting as a way to confirm plans or make plans- not as your main means of communication.
Make your phone conversations light and short (15min at the most in the beginning) and leave the "heavy" stuff for in person- don't use the phone as a substitution for intimacy when you can do that face to face
Don't call him to just "chat" because most guys aren't phone addicts- but every time he does call, let him know how happy you are to hear from him
It's okay if you haven't heard from him for a few days- remember, give him a chance to think about you
After the date you can text to let him know what a great time you had (also let him know this in person)
Don't rehash your marriage or too much about your personal life- small doses will work better
Maintain a little mystery- it's okay to be unavailable sometimes- it may even intrigue him
Don't push for a relationship in the first couple of months- this will tell him you are selective and don't just want a "relationship" - you want him as a person
Don't have sex with him too soon unless you can honestly say you don't have expectations and stick to it- a relationship may come out of it but you have to be responsible for your actions and that means, don't get mad at him if it doesn't
Come up with some ideas that you would like to do on a date, like movies, dinner, etc.. and suggest them when he asks you out
Don't be too eager to let him know you aren't dating others- don't play games with this either- once again, you are just letting him know that you are selective about who you are with
Talk about things you are interested in and not about where the relationship is going- it's okay to ask what he wants in a relationship but don't make this the main topic and do believe what he tells you.
I hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): Short answer is to agree to go slowly, give him space. When someone says this, give me space, then they truly really need their space. It can be for many reasons, but no doubt there is turmoil in the head that they haven't been able to fix/heal. He may also realize that his past has come back to haunt him, this can be triggered by something that took place between you two or even a coworker, or something seen on TV. Him want space is to help protect you and this relationship.
Hopefully in time, he will be able to discuss these important issues with you that you both can have a meeting of the minds, that you both agree, which will bond and strngthen the relationship for the future.
Emotions, feelings, good and bad, are always with us until we resolve them, and act upon them to prevent the situation from accuring again.
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