A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early 20s and have been seeing a 31 yo man on and off for the past year and a half. I was a little wary at first about even meeting him from an online dating website because he might be looking for something serious (ie a wife). But, I just said "ah hell why not" and hopped on the road to meet him. On our first date, I fell for him so hard. There was just something about him that mesmerized me on several levels. I liked his mature mannerisms and he sounded sincere about things I had to say. We shared eye contact and were so connected. He's also one of the most handsome men I've ever met. Well, I kept telling myself, I'm not going to go further with this guy and it's all fun. My plan was to cut it off after three - four dates. I found myself thinking about him ALL the time! I ended up having real feelings for him just four dates into it. Fast forward a year later, this is still carrying on. But, lately I am having extreme doubts that he will ever reciprocate those feelings. Anyway, he hasn't opened up completely about his past relationships and doesn't seem to really be devoted for a real relationship with me. The whole thing is really confusing to me even. He tells me that he doesn't want anyone else besides me. So, why don't we just make it official? We connect so perfectly in everything else. (seems like he has no initiative or he has some baggage)He doesn't make an effort to send me a text or an email or a simple call even ever other day when we are too busy to see each other. It's not hard to do. I myself did this often in the beginning, but I don't think it is fair for me to do all the work. In fact, now that I think about it, I have been the initiator and the the one who tries to keep connected. He seems to enjoy spending time with me. But, why do I have to initiate 90% of the things we do. Well, lately, that gap of no contact has been growing. It has been about a 2 weeks since we spoke/emailed/talked. Some would call this the silent treatment. But, I have no idea why he would do this other than maybe he found another girl. I feel like I just wasted a whole year with someone who doesn't want more than fun and games with me. But, a part of me really wants to make it work and just spend more time to see where things go. I feel great with him and he really does enhance me as a person. BUT, when we are apart I feel like crap without any reassurance that he actually cares for me. I believe this is a terrible cycle. I also really don't want to lose him. I don't know what to do and am kind of asking for some advice as to where to take the situation. I plan to sit down and talk about it eventually when/if he contacts me again. I'm would like to have some advice before hand so I am prepared. Thank you all so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!
It has been 5 months since we've seen each other. I'm extremely better now and have moved on. But I went through a lot of pain and yearning and controlling my urge to call him and BEG him to love me again. I guess the better part of my was thinking that he wasn't totally cold hearted and still had empathy in him. I just couldn't understand how he could cut me high and dry. He did send the spontaneous out of the blue text once in a while during those months that left me puzzled and wondering why he would try to make me remember him. Did he miss me? I wasn't sure. Well, I didn't respond which helped me move on quite well after many months. Now, I can actually look forward to meeting new men and believe I can do better. I look at our old pictures together and no longer feel the intense sadness and loss of hope that I will ever find someone to live up to what we had. Those were delusional thoughts and I know I can find something much more exciting and passion driven :) Thanks aunties.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. I believe everything you all are saying. I really helps when another person puts it all into perspective. Eventually I'm going to delete everything once I muster up enough courage. But, right now, I am kind of in denial and a little obsessive. Time will tell. Again, thank you Aunts!
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 Quite simply he is 'just not that into you'. I learnt this the hard way, in a very similar situation to you. I was dating a 31 year old when I was 23/24, I fell for him hard and wanted badly to make things official, but I didnt want to pressure him so I never said a word and just took my chances to see him whenever I could.
But it was me that made all the effort, I always text him first, asked to see him etc. When we were together he was incredibly affectionate and would say the right things, but when we were apart he would be so distant and never make any effort. This went on for about a year or so, gradually speaking to each other less and less because I stopped allowing myself to always be the one to initiate everything.
So what happened in the end? We simply stopped talking, I deleted his number so I couldnt contact him anymore - I was incredibly hurt but I realised he simply wasnt that bothered about me. Moving on to the present day - he got married about 3 weeks ago to a girl he has known for only a year (he must have proposed after about 6 or 7 months).
What lesson have I learnt (and you should learn too) from all of this? When a guy is really into you, he will do anything to see you and talk to you. If he is not bothered about you, enjoys your company but doesnt want a relationship with you, then he will act like your guy is acting.
Yes it sucks, it really hurts and I was gutted for a long time when I realised he wasnt really into me. I was so into him that I put up with the hot and cold behaviour and the games for so long, when really I should have walked away after a few weeks. He kept telling he how much he liked me but always had excuses why he couldnt get into a relationship (too busy with work, moving house, wants to be a bachelor forever, never wants to get married etc) - so it was a real kick in the teeth to see him getting married.
It just shows that when the right girl comes along, even the most set in their ways bachelor will jump at the chance to marry her and spend his life with her. So if your guy isnt jumping at the chance to be with you, dont waste any more time on him. Simple as that.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, cecilia003 +, writes (30 July 2012):
hello,i have the similar experience with u. last year i dated a 30ish guy who i met in the gym.at first it was ok although everthing went on slow. but when we kind of settled down, i think he took me for granted. once we stopped contacting for a week,finally he text me"are u still alive?"
sorry for talking so much of myself. in my opinion, maybe he's not looking for a serious relationship altough he said so.but what really matters is what he do instead of his words.
these 30ish guys are more experienced dealing with girls than u r with them and they could be really tricky?
so my suggestion would be think about what he has done for you, how he behave when he's with you. and make the decision of waiting for his move or moving on and stopping wasting time on him.
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