| A
female
age
36-40,
*ISS UNDERSTOOD
writes: I have a problem. i'm in love with a porn addict and a liar. his lying, scheming porn addiction has really takin a burdon on our relationship and on top of everything else i deal with and take from him i have to deal with that to and im not up for it. but i just cant find it in me to leave him because he means so much to me, we are the complete different, i cant for the life of me see how we could ever love each other, im very depressed and i know our relationship and the way he treats me is not healthy im just so scared to be alone. why is it that woman stay in bad relationships even when they know they shouldn't? am I wrong for being upset over porn? is that worth the end of something that could be forever? ive never been so unsure...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): Why-you ask, does a woman stays in a bad relationship even when they know they shouldn't? Only you know that answer as every one's story is different. But I do have my own thoughts and theories on why it's this way. I gave this similar answer to another woman dealing with her bf's bad treatment of her, so I will tell you the same. One reason women tolerate crap- is because many women have this mentality that "it must be me' syndrome of dealing with a loved one's inappropriate behaviour. What happens is these so many women gain an identity by constantly convincing themselves they 'need to be attached' to a man, when in fact she doesn't. It comes down her sense of self-worth and the value she places on herself.
You and he have very different values here and this relationship likely won't have a future. I can tell by reading your posting, you are voicing your deep hurt and concerns with his lying, his porn usage and you are looking for validation that you are right on these issues. Let me just say, you don't need anyone's validation--there are many women in your situation who are going through the same pain and sorrow and yet, they stay. But don't be like many of these other women. What a lot of them do..is they take the safe route of not risking a change or dealing with a loss. So they live the indignity and hurt. They accept a loved one's bad behaviours. You do not need to act so desperate, you do not have to be wanted by this guy. Because if you do feel this way..it weakens you-it blinds you-and then you run the risk of not caring what type of person he is. His actions have told you what type of person he is--plain and simple. That is reality. Stop, think more about this relationship and what you are missing out on and remember, "Women have to stop wanting to be chosen..they have to think smart and do the choosing themselves" So ask yourself -do you really want a man in your life who takes part in these behaviours? Any women with self-respect would say "no way". My suggestion..move on, grieve, recover and then when you are ready, you will find a good, quality man, one whom you can 'choose' wisely and one who lives up to your value system....What you are going through right now, with this fellow-you are on a path and he is just another stepping stone..to you learning about life, love and happiness. It's there..you just need to get through over this hump first. Good luck
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