A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Last night I caught my bf of only 3 weeks in a lie. We started dating in January but only became an official couple in March. When I first started dating him, I asked him when did his last relationship end. He told me he had a gf in the summer of last year but it only lasted 2 months and he hasn’t been with anyone since then.I only ask because I have a history with guys who seem to find me shortly after breaking up with a long time “on again, off again” girlfriend that was “toxic”. Just for them to immediately go back to them as soon as that person comes back into their lives, leaving me behind because I’m 2nd best. In fact it’s happened to me 3 times and all the guys lied about their previous relationships, therefore I’m cautious of anyone who just got out of a relationship.Well, I found out last night that he had a gf back in December, and she was long time “on again, off again” girlfriend of 2 years. I called him and promised I would not get mad if he came clean and told me the truth. But he lied again and said he didn’t have a gf. An hour later, I simply asked him why did he lie to me. He finally came clean and said he didn’t want me to make a big deal out of it and was afraid I wouldn’t of wanted to date him if he told the truth.I was really hurt by the fact that I gave him numerous opportunities to tell the truth, and I was scared that maybe I was a rebound. He assured me that that relationship was completely done and he hasn’t spoken to the girl since they broke up in December and that he really wanted to be with me.After talking, I tried to put myself in his shoes.. I broke up with my long time toxic bf in Feb 2017 and 2 weeks later I was already dating someone new and I had no feelings for my ex. And my bf made it sound like he felt the same way when he broke up with her. I came to the decision to forgive him for lying about it, but I’m still scared.I really don’t want to end things with him, but I’m wondering if I should. Just from all my past experiences, I’ve been hurt everytime. What do you guys think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone’s advice... I will say that I do get insecure and feel like I’m not enough sometimes because in the past, I was never enough for the guy. I did decide to forgive him and I haven’t thought about it much in the past few days because I don’t want to put past baggage on him. When we first started dating, I never had an insecure moment or even really thought about anything that serious because I wasn’t sure how much I liked him. But once it hit me that I did like him, that’s when all my feelings took control and I spent more time over thinking than enjoying myself. Something that I recently confessed to him the night I found out about this lie. I probably didn’t need to tell him though because it seems like he noticed, but either way, we’re together now.The day afterwards I felt really bothered. But I remember how my ex constantly accused me of cheating on him because his ex cheated on him, and it was the beginning of our demise. And I remember really being done when we broke up. Had I met my new boyfriend a month after me and my ex broke up, I would of been 100% ready to be with him because I really was done with my ex. But I may of been scared to tell him how recently my ex and I broke up.So, I really tried to put myself in his shoes, perhaps he could of felt the same way I felt when I left my ex.. He was still wrong for lying, but I don’t want to put other people’s mistakes on him. He has been a otherwise great bf so far, so I forgave him and let him know this was his first and last time.A year from now, I guess I’ll see where we are. Hopefully we’re together and happy, and hopefully he proved to be telling the truth.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 April 2018):
 He lied to you to spare your feelings because he probably knew what your exes done, hence, he tried not to give any red flags that would show you that he is the same as they are.
Look at it this way, if he had fessed up after you approached him with your findings, would you have forgiven him right away or would you still have wondered why he didn't come clean the first time the conversation came up? Probably the latter... so what is the issue here? I think it's mostly to do with your past relationships to be honest and he maybe felt pressured into giving the 'correct answer' which he did, up until you found out that it was a lie of course.
The fact of the matter is that you're walking around with so much baggage that still plagues you to this day. You may not think that it's an issue but it is... and at some point, it will be a major issue if you don't work to put it to rest now. I see someone who is still very insecure and just really wanting to finally be enough for someone. Just really wanting to be his first choice and not wanting to be an option again.
He DEFINITELY is 100% wrong for lying though. Especially because it's so new and he tainted the sweet and fresh romance with some idiot lie to put such a bitter taste in your mouth so early on. The thing is, he seems like he wanted to tell you what you wanted to hear which is a shame especially since you seem to really value the truth (as you should). I would definitely be cautious going forward (whether that is with or without him). I won't tell you whether to break up with him or not because you need to learn what you deal-breakers are. I can't tell you what they should be. You should figure out what they are and then make a decision and in future, take your time and don't offload all of your baggage on someone else. It just isn't fair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): You are under 20 years old; and guys in that age-group are pretty immature.
Psychologically, females mature faster that males who are the same chronological-age. You're going to run into a lot of young-men on the rebound; mainly because it's so common in your late teens and early-twenties.
These exes are usually their first serious relationship after 16; so they have a more profound affect on these guys emotionally. They are the first girls that freely gave them sex on a regular-basis; so they imprint on his mind.
I'm afraid that's not always in a good way. She becomes his property. He's fine being broken-up with her; as long as he's the one dating and punishing her for giving him up. Oh, but when the shoe is on the other foot; and she has found another guy? The girl he is with at the time, suddenly isn't quite as interesting as she used to be. The rebound feelings are suddenly revoked. He now wants to contact his ex!
I like the fact you have taken notice of this. You've stored it to memory for future access; but you're using your knowledge the wrong way. You're holding all guys accountable for the guys who hurt you in the past.
Do you want some guy to come along and blame you for his exes hurting him; along with some other random females he met since? Does it even make sense? It could easily be as much his fault as theirs, that things didn't work-out. You don't start something new until you're over and done with your old-baggage. Leave the baggage at the door, girlfriend!
You don't like being somebody's rebound; by the same token, don't bring your carry-over baggage!
Judge each individual-guy on his own merit. If you want to minimize the lying; you can do what my own boyfriend did when we first started dating exclusively. He told me, "you get forgiven for one lie. You'll get probation. If you get caught in a second lie, you're gone! No if's, and's, or buts!" I took him seriously!
So far so good! I'm still here five years, as of this month!
I shoot from the hip. I don't feel the need to lie to people I love; because I value their trust. It's not always possible to be truthful.
Everybody lies sooner or later. It's a human-inclination, and a self-preservation reflex. When deliberately done for the purpose of deception; it's a flat-out sin!
Sometimes you have to. Not to protect yourself, but to protect the feelings of others. Then when the time is right, you must reveal the truth. Explaining why you lied at the time. That doesn't mean they will forgive you. Be prepared for the outcome and the consequences.
You'll often get a reprieve for coming clean; but trust will still be compromised. Unless the truth was about something they have done or are doing wrong, that requires correction. You don't need their forgiveness; they're lucky you've stuck around. Accountability reinforces trust. If you did it, own it!
Lying as a habit to protect yourself is due to poor character and a deceptive-nature. You don't deserve trust.
Your boyfriend lied about when he broke-up with someone. He really took a risk with your feelings, including his own.
Two to three months is sometimes shock, or a numbing-period.
You think you don't feel anything. That is, until you get the news they've found somebody else. Then those dormant feelings rise back to the surface. So his lie wasn't in your best-interest, it was done out of selfish-motives. For his own gratification. You decided to forgive him. So be it.
If you forgive somebody; then do so fully, or don't do it at all.
They have to rebuild your trust; but don't make it an act in futility. Just to see how much you can make them suffer for what they've done. Then table turns, and you should be the one dumped.
If you feel too scared, then you have to let him go. You can't pretend to forgive, just to keep him around. Your insecurity will become stressful enough to wear on his nerves; and he will decide to leave anyway.
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A
male
reader, SnowCave +, writes (4 April 2018):
The lying is definitely not a good sign, but it's very common especially in people who don't have much experience with relationships. I have both lied and been lied to many times in relationships. It's always enormously damaging and can set any relationship back months or years emotionally, but it is possible to get over it.
The reality is that any relationship is going to have its white lies, especially in the early stages where you are both less committed and the stakes are high in terms of the relationship continuing.
Unfortunately he may still not be telling you the entire truth. Perhaps they have spoken, perhaps they have even seen each other since you started dating. You may never know. But the thing is, it's going to be the same with any guy you date. You will never really know for sure what they are doing that you don't know about. People only let you see what they want you to see. And the thing is, does it really matter?
It doesn't really matter. And if it does matter to you, then you can take responsibility to create the kind of relationship you want to have with this guy. What you can do is sit down, and write together a list of promises you make to each other - no lies, no secrets, no lies by omission, no seeing other people - make it crystal clear, and stick to it.
Everyone lies sometimes. We lie when we think the other person won't find out, when it doesn't really matter, or when we feel wronged and justified to lie back. Have you ever told a lie? Exactly. We all have.
Forgive, trust, clarify, make mutual promises, and try to make it work.
I'm speaking from experience: my current girlfriend lied about being exclusive and slept with an ex of hers twice. I've forgiven her, we've made mutual promises, she is remorseful, and I don't think it will ever happen again. Our relationship has become stronger and we are closer for going through it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2018):
 I think you need to stop blaming "new" guys you are getting to know and potentially wanting to date, for things EXES did to you. He isn't responsible for what your exes did.
However, LYING? No a good thing. LYING over something that really isn't that important (in the bigger picture) not a good thing.
As for him wanting to protect you from YOUR own insecurities so he lied... bogus excuse.
You CAN'T prevent someone from lying. You can't prevent someone from using you as a rebound or ending up with their ex.
Maybe YOU need to take things a LOT slower. Not jump in with both feet.
I would be less worried about WHEN he broke up with his last ex and more concerned with the lying.
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