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female
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anonymous
writes: I am female 27 yrs old and English, I have been in a relationship with an Albanian Guy for nearly four years. He has been back home to his country and came back to see me Feb this year. Now he wants to get married and I don't. I told him I would marry him, but I know it's not what i want. He won't face up to the fact that we have to split up. I am lost as to what to do. Last week he bought two tickets - one for him and one for me to go back home with him to get married. He paid a lot of money and I did tell him before he bought the tickets i can't marry him, we argued and he told me to leave him, so i left and then he called me and we got back together. But now i just want to end it and don't know how. Please could you give me some advice, as he has felt so let down already, and that is what i am most afraid of. He also gets angry when i try to leave him, which is understandable. Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, Anonymous616  +, writes (20 February 2011):
He just wants to marry you so that he can get his paperwork fixed to live in that country. Those men are dogs. They don't give a crap about you. They do this all the time. To your face he's playing the I love you card but behind your back he's telling his family he's got you wrapped. He'll get what he wants and then he'll leave you. Never date an Albanian guy. Their intentions are never what you think.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (8 July 2005):
Right, you have to tell him firmly that its OVER and you WONT be marrying him.If he gets cross, ignore him. Dont let him tug your heart strings or make you feel guilty. This man sounds very controlling and I think you are wise to end the relationship.
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (8 July 2005):
First of all, it's obvious this man is a control freak.
He gets angry alot with you, will not accept NO for an answer, and purchases expensive tickets without your consent or permission.
Honey, you are NOT a puppet on a string.
You have a mind of your own, and possess the RIGHT to make your own decisions.
He cannot manipulate you or bully you into marrying him.
If you let him do that to you...believe me, you will regret it, but you'll be stuck in the midst of his family and you will feel helpless and powerless !
The fact that he gets angry with you when you try to leave him is NOT UNDERSTANDABLE...I don't how you can believe that, sweetie.
A person has no right to respond in anger when someone tries to express their innermost feelings.
Anger is a manipulation tool to make you feel guilty & threatened....he uses your insecurities to get his way.
Why on earth would you say Yes to marriage when you know in your heart, you wanted to say NO?
Marriage is a HUGE decision & you only say yes, if you really truly want to spend the rest of your life with this man, wake up to him every morning & give him children.
Let your yes be yes...and let your NO be NO !
Get off the fence honey...protect your future !
I sense this man is abusive...if you have not already seen that side of him...it will surface if you move onto his home territory !
Stay in tune with your instincts...if you believe you need to end the relationship...I'm sure you have SOLID reasons to do so....maintain your personal Power & do NOT allow him to control you or make decisions for you.
Obviously he is insecure & feels threatened when you try to assert yourself or express a need to break off.
But those insecurities will only INCREASE in the future, if he does not accept that the opposite sex is EQUAL.
Albania is the old country...tradition & culture dictates that the man has the final word in the family.
"he wears the pants" so to speak
If he wants to find a mousy submissive female to bow down to him & let him control her....tell him to go find someone else...PLEASE don't let yourself be dominated !
Be strong...stick to your decision....end it now and move on with your life.
Someday you will find a really confident secure man, who loves to laugh, is easy going, caring & tender, and will VALUE your opinion highly & view you as his Equal.
All the best,
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 July 2005):
 Danger! Danger! Danger! What part of "no" doesn't this man understand?
This guy is already manipulating you! How will it be, once he gets you "home" and out of your own culture?
So he feels "let down", so what? Relationships end. You're not cheating, or lying or treating him unfairly. You haven't misled him. Marrying him to shut him up IS NOT A GOOD SOLUTION to this problem. If he can pressure you into making this bad choice against your will, what do you think he's going to be capable of when you're in Albania and without any friends or family to intercede?
Let me re-state your situation in a slightly different way, so you can see it from an outsider's point of view: "I'm a smart, witty 27-y-o Inuit woman from Greenland and my Bolivian boyfriend is pressuring me to get married. He sulks and whines when I say I don't want to. We broke up over it, but he made me take him back, even though I didn't want to. I don't want to make him unhappier, so I'm squeezing my eyes shut really tight while he picks out my wedding gown and buys us a couple of bus tickets to Bolivia, where we'll live with his mother, brothers, uncles, aunties, cousins and a few hundred strangers in a town where I don't know anyone. I think not doing anything is a good solution to this quandary I'm in and I think this problem will go away soon. Possibly after the wedding."
Stop me if I'm wrong.
Here's what you do. Tell him you're sorry he's unhappy, but you can't marry him. (He bought the tickets already? Well, tough luck. That was his choice. You've been saying No all along, right?)
Apologise for the misunderstanding, if you feel duty-bound, then tell him you aren't interested in seeing him further. AFTER THAT, YOU SHOULD LEAVE, FAST.
Instruct your friends and family that they aren't to give him your whereabouts. Change your phone numbers if necessary. Stay safe, because this guy isn't behaving rationally, and there isn't any way to be sure he won't lose his grip on reality and decide you're "playing hard to get".
I reiterate: this guy has already shown that he can manipulate you (making you take him back, buying tickets to make you feel guilty) and you're not even interested in dating him! How much worse will it be when you're his WIFE?
Take care, stay away from him, be strong and above all - don't worry about hurting his feelings. Your life is your own, and you don't want to end up married to a man like this, just because you found it too hard to say NO.
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