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female
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anonymous
writes:Hello Cupiders,My question is this... I have been with my husband for 5 years, about 1.5 married. In this time he has gotten unprotected oral sex with 8 random men. I have been very worried about STI's, and have told him that. I know all the dangers, and I myself am a very smart and careful girl. He is recently a military man and I have been encouraged to get tougher and insist on getting tested. It is now free for us, and there should be no problem.He is the only one who can call and make the appointment. I told him weeks ago that if he really wants to prove himself to me (and he really does), he will call and make the appointment without me having to ask him over and over again. Well, many requests and pleads later, he still hasn't done it. Every time I ask, he just gets upset and goes into the bedroom hiding under the pillow until he falls asleep. He stays silent while I plead for any sort of comfort. Just for him to look at me, to be there WITH me, to make me feel like he's caring about my health. He says he doesn't know who to call. But that is CRAP - the answer is a few simple phone calls away. It will take him all of 10 minutes just to sit down and make a few calls. Is this so outrageous for me to ask? Should I just make the calls, find the number he needs to dial and write it on his forehead so that he can make the appointment? I feel like if he is trying to make up his infidelity to me, that can come with a tiny bit of extra effort on his part.He suffers from bad depression, and there has been a very determined suicide attempt in the past. He goes to a psychologist once a week independently, once a week with me and once a week to a psychiatrist. He is otherwise a great husband, but when it comes to any issue I may have, he shuts down and gets COMPLETELY upset about two words into any real emotions I may be feeling. He always abandons me, and leaves me to cry alone and sort myself out. The problems are then never mentioned againIt hurts that my own husband can't be here for me when I have issues, when every time he is depressed I give him 110% of my love, support and attention. Every time I bring up any problem I have, it ends with him more upset than I ever was and me consoling him back to happiness. I somehow end up feeling like a bully for having any problem in the first place.He does not get nasty, he does not seem vindictive, it just seems like this is how he handles issues. But what am I to do? How can I heal? This STI thing is just the icing on the cake, and typical. How can I get him to follow through without nagging him until he FINALLY does something?? How can I get him to take this stuff seriously??
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): "For the most part, I feel loved and valued." For the most part is not enough. I don't think he loves and values you at all. He thinks you will put up with his very self destructive behavior and passive aggressive and he's right.Try this for a phrase:"My husband loves me except for that 8% where he has unprotected sex with strangers online and risks my health.""I myself am a very smart and careful girl"Being with this man is not smart or careful.The ultimate in disrespect that you can do to a partner is to endanger their health, well being and happiness. The number of partners and the circumstances don't matter, but searching for random sex partners online for money is obviously really high risk and in my opinion only unhealthy individuals do this.If this is the life you want, then that's your choice. You don't sound happy to me. It seems to me you are rationalizing his destructive and abusive behavior to you. You could end up with hiv/aids, is that what you want for yourself?
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male
reader, CaptainObvious +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Don't apologize for writing a lot - there are a lot of aspects to this and you are essentially doing a risk/benefit analysis.
Let's get down to brass tacks here.
"bisexual" as a label isn't all that useful - it comes down to specific behaviors.
Is he strictly a top in his bi activities?
You have to sort of line up all possible activities and decide what risks you are willing to accept.
Is there any PnP activity?
That would be my biggest concern, as guys that get high tend to become "instant bottoms" due to having no inhibitions at all, combined with the inability to maintain an erection.
If he's bottoming for random guys off CL, it becomes just a matter of time Before Something Very Bad Happens.
Receptive bareback anal is as risky as it gets.
Depression is also common 'on the comedown.'
I'm not trying to accuse him of anything - just something to consider.
If engaging in some level of male-male sex is important to him, and you are willing to accept some level of risk, here is what I suggest.
Develop a circle of friends-with-benefits that are in a similar situation.
You haven't mentioned whether his activities stimulate you or not.
Even if they don't, don't you think it might be better to visit or host a couple where the wife has similar safety concerns, and a vested interest in making sure everyone stays clean and healthy.
Even if the guys' activity doesn't do anything for you, and you're totally straight, you and your counterpart could watch a movie or something while the guys go play in the other room.
I don't know you guys obviously, but consider the possibility that some of his passive aggressive behavior may stem from guilt from doing things behind your back that are riskier than you've agreed to accept.
Getting it more out in the open and taking away some of the guilt may make him more open in your communications.
I know from my time in the military that they do test for the most common and dangerous stds - especially hiv.
If he's reluctant to use on base health services - there is almost certainly a Men's Health type organization in any area large enough to have a military base.
They're generally free, and always anonymous.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 From your reply / follow-up, it sounds like your sleeping in the bed that you made yourself. I'll be on honest, lurking around on craigslist for sexual contacts is a great way to pick up an STD and I suspect there is more than oral sex going on. If this is the life you want, more power to you, but there isn't anything you can do to make your husband do anything, including STD checks. So basically you've got to protect yourself or move-on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,
Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot! I guess I left out some important details... (sorry).
Yes, he absolutely is bisexual. He's always been kinky and wild. I'm really quite fine with his bisexuality. I know he is crazy about me in the bedroom, and feel confident that he is happy with me sexually. I guess it's important to know that all of these encounters were partially out of financial desperation. All of these guys would come from Craigslist - guys who were looking to pay straight guys to go down on. I know it's seedy, HE knows it's seedy, but the taboo made it exciting and desperation was the fuel? I know it's no excuse, but it is at least a (somewhat) explanation.
His last contact was in April? That was another money moment - life had happened (car expenses, suddenly need to go to the doctor) and he needed extra money. Also, these incidents have almost ALL happened while I've been gone for extended time and that part of the brain has time to get cranking.
I know it is 8 just from the number he has given me. I trust that number, but it seems reasonable to assume the worst and that there might have been more.
I'm not quite clear on what the military checks for. My husband seemed to think that they may have neglected to test for everything? I know I am HIV free, but that doesn't mean other cooties can't be lurking around.
I know it seems like I'm married to an insensitive jerk (and in this case, he is being one), but honestly I think the Depression drives his avoidant/self-destructive behavior, and yes... sometimes he can get self-absorbed. He is super intelligent - often that seems more of a hindrance. His brain works intensively and to me - mysteriously. We get along wonderfully, and find ourselves quite happy day-to-day. We make a good team, I suppose. For the most part, I feel loved and valued.
His mental health issues have been a life long battle. It is a wonder that he has come out so well - but the scars show and the depression has gotten worse after college and struggling through the business/art world and then the military.
His unit and commanding officers have been very supportive and helpful with his mental health issues. They are aware of them. They are also aware of him being an exemplary Marine and person.
His psychologist (who he sees once a week independently, and we see once a week together) has encouraged me to "get tougher" and start practicing what I preach and become more adamant about my body being respected. I need to listen to her and you all and stop waiting. This is my body and I need to treat it like a temple - I shouldn't wait around for someone else to take care of it for me.
He has started on medication in the last two months and is doing so much better. But it isn't a full recovery yet (obviously). That will take plenty more work.
I don't want to leave because our relationship has been 92% peaceful, happy and fun to be in. It is that 8% that has me frustrated enough to turn to the web...
I so appreciate the opinions and advice! It is lovely to see people caring about others enough to take the time to write. Happiest holidays to you all.
(Also, sorry. I know I write a lot!!)
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 December 2010):
Until he gets checked, I suggest sticking with protective measures when you have sex.
It sounds like your husband is bi-sexual, perhaps even gay. I think the more important question you need to be asking yourself is if this is what you want to continue dealing with for the rest of your marriage. This doesn't sound like an isolated incident.
Sadly, you can't make your husband do anything. If he doesn't want to get tested, he doesn't care about his health that much, and much less yours.
It certainly sounds like you have some hard questions and decisions you have to ask yourself. I sense that there is way more to his past then you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): I think you should separate from him and make it clear to him that he is possibly endangering your life by having unprotected sex with other partners. I would guess that he is gay or bisexual and that eventually he will come out and he will leave you.
Just get yourself tested and stop having sex with him. There is no way to force him to get tested, so I don't know how to advise about that. I would get some counseling on your own to get help on how to deal with all of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): At the end of the day its your health thats the most important thing here. So pay the fee and get yourself checked asap. Then dont engage in any sexual activity with your husband, until hes been checked and given the all clear. And with respect, id insist on seeing his results.
As for his habit of ending up more upset than you and needing comfort, when you try to tackle issues. Thats an old trick, very manipulative of him. Hes putting his own needs way above yours. Given his illness, its understandable. Hes living in survival mode at present.
For your own safetly id get checked asap. And any major problems you have with him, might have to wait until his depression is under control.
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reader, CaptainObvious +, writes (21 December 2010):
What's the real issue here?
There are a number of things that just don't sound right.
You said "in this time" but that's pretty vague.
You are making a pretty hard case for risk of a sexually transmitted disease - and I know you mean aids - since herpes is the only other incurable of which I am aware.
But you aren't saying when his last contact was, what you understand his orientation to be, and the circumstances of his activities.
If he had 8 guys (how do you know it's 8?) perform oral sex on him 3 years ago, then there is no risk to you, since he's been tested at least once since then.
You said he "recently became a military man."
Active duty mil is tested annually, not sure on reserves, but both are definitely tested upon entry, and military do not enjoy privacy with respect to spouses if they test positive.
Did his mental health problems start after he entered military service?
It's very unusual for anyone in the military to be under mental health treatment for any length of time with ending up with a medical discharge.
Who exactly is encouraging you to "get tougher?"
Why do they know anything about this at all?
It sounds to me like it would be healthier for both of you to be apart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): And you're with him whyyyy???
Love is not enough.
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