A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused. Very confused. Last night I was with my "BF?". We've been seeing each other for about 15 months.Because he travels a great deal for his work, we usually see each other 5-6 times a month with as much as 3 weeks between visits when he travels overseas. I am divorced and raised a daughter by myself for more than 10 years and he has been legally separted for about seven years. He has a daughter the same age as mine. I am very able to support myself and my daughter. I am buying my home, helping my daughter through college and we are living comfortably.We were together Monday after he returned from a three week business trip overseas. He was very happy to see me. We had wonderful sex. He was very intimate afterwards wanting to hold my hand and holding me while we slept and being wonderful. He talked about starting his life "over," finalzing his divorce and all that entails. This was a first.Then last night we were together again. Went out to eat, took a walk, talked. The sex was great, but he had pulled away and was a little turned aloof. I told him I had missed him while he was away and he visibly tightened up. He said I needed to realize that our relationship is really about only having fun together, sex and relaxing. It will end at some point in the future. But then he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he didn't want me to see (read have sex with) anyone else. He said he didn't ask much of me but he needed this. Anyway, he asked, would I find a better relationship elsewhere? I said I didnt' know.I don't understand. It's not that I want to have sex with any other men, I date other men. But why does he insist on us being exclusive if he has no intention of allowing the relationship to grow into anything more? We are in this supposedly no-strings relationship but I feel hands-tied and trapped by it at the same time. I also feel a full range of other emotions that are very confusing.Then he spends time asking me questions what kind of wedding I would have if I got married again, or how do I believe money should be handled in a relationship. Then he tells me that second marriages are always about economics, not love. He has not completed his divorce because of the financial costs and the costs as he has described are great.I then asked him if I was right in believing that he was very, very poor while growing up. I've known that he was raised by his mother and grandmother and that he had to start working at 13. He seemed happy that I asked him and told me more about his childhood and how the lack of money and a father affected him. I grew up in a very poor family also and started working at 13 as a waitress. I understand how that affects one.I asked him if he loves anyone - three times. He talked on and on about stuff but never answered the question. I then asked him if he loved his mother. He looked shocked and said yes, and he loves his daughter and he loves many other family and friends. I was very relieved to hear this because I had become quite unsure. He has never told me that he loves me, but has told me that many times he wished he could but he would not because he was not ready for everything that it means. He has mentioned "starting over" lately. This refers to finalizing the divorce, rebuilding his nest egg and having a committed relationship with a woman who is financially secure.We broke up for five months over this. I broke up with him, but he made contact and I decided to try again. Today I have been crying. I am confused and I hurt. At its simplist, I need to move on. I know this. As for how he feels about me, I'm very confused, but for some reason I feel a need to know. If I could wave a wand and decide what we would do I would say let us try being exclusive and see what happens, but for some reason I feel he needs to feel like he is the one in control. He leaves for another business trip next week and will be gone a week. I told him I didn't want to talk to him until he came back. I don't know if I want to talk to him when he returne either. I love him but I'm tired of being pushed away and then pulled back in and then pushed away again. But I'm wondering - he is now talking about finalizing the divorce.......Anyone have any thoughts to help me sort this out?
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male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (5 July 2008):
The questioner here lives in the USA, and the divorce laws here are draconian if you are the guy. The bf here has been separated for 7 years and travels extensively, so it's likely that he makes a lot of money and has a lot of assets. Divorce here will likely separate him from much of the assets that he worked so hard to earn. This reality affects many successful men - especially toward the end of their careers.
What do you want? A loving sexual committed relationship without marriage, or legal marriage with all of its third party obligations? It's important to define exactly what you want before asking someone else what they want - it certainly helps clarity. If you can find a way to be committed emotionally and sexually without the financial bonds of marriage, would that be OK?
What troubles me more is that you two don't live together and there was no indication he wants to. He may not be able to until the current divorce is sorted out, but that's what needs to be discussed. If a man does not say he loves you, it means(at least) that he does not want to be committed to you. The discussion about marriage, etc., sounds more like fact finding - getting to know what's important to you, than an actual desire.
The only thing to do is to get together and get honest. Have him lay his cards on the table, and you do the same. Try playing what if, and encourage him to do the same. Identify areas of congruence, confluence and conflict. Be kind and tolerant, then make choices. Remember that men may be truthful or lie, but rarely hint. We also don't take hints, nor even understand them. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Wow..this man certainly is giving you mixed messages, isn't he? God, he sounds very complicated and uncommittal. What you have described to me is a thing so many people do in relationships and it's called 'flip-flopping' and it's unhealthy because...it unbalances the other seemingly healthy person (you) and makes them confused and hurt. In your case, one day your bf is affectionate..the next day he pulls away..always keeping you at arms length, only to pull you in and bond, the next time. He's does have all the power here. A relationship is mutual respect, mutual caring and mutual givingness, mutual openess and truthfulness. He's not quite doing this. He has caused you become a participant, with his own painful, unhealthy course of actions, here all because he cannot be honest and communicating the truth of how he truely feels. So what's happened here, is this guy of yours, has found a person to participate in this indecisivemind game, with...meaning you. If your bf is doing this, he is not in a healthy relationship frame of mind for a committed relationship with you. Being separated for 7 years is a pretty good indicator, he is struggling to re-commit. Keep his life in a 'separated status' mode, can mean that this status is a good 'buffer' for him to ward off any future true committment. So what you now need to do is realize that by allowing him to make you feel confused and hurt..means you are getting unhealthy yourself. So at your age, with a beautiful daughter, about to buy a new home, you have a great job, you are wonderfully independant, self-sufficient...you need to seriously ask yourself..."Do I want want to stay unhealthy and play this game--to have him in my life? Do I need all this pulling away and pain?" No, absolutely not. I want to suggest you drop him and move on. But, if you have a hard time, leaving, then make this an either/or situation here. Either he commits to you fully or you walk away and move on. And if he can't commit... be prepared to walk away. Whatever his answer, you may just get a truthful one. And you will finally know where you stand. If you don't do this, this situation will continue and so will the doubts and confusion. You need to be strong and please remember, YOU are the only one responsible and capable of deciding your course for the future. And please, hun, beware of the person who causes you confusion like this. It usually means they are far too complicated to have in one's life. Good luck to you and take care.
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