A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend has three houses that he is renovating. And one house he is trying to sell. So four houses. Two are for renting out and the other is the house which he (and much of the time I) stay in. He says he wants to start talking about marriage (and kids) once the houses are finished (and I know he's sincere) but the ongoing issues are very frustrating, especially regarding the primary house. Contractors that don't show up on time or forget important details, (which is usually the main issue) ongoing discussion over appliances, paint colors, dust everywhere, ongoing cost, etc and so on. None of this is fun for me. Whenever he asks me to go to the hardware store with him to pick colors I get cranky. Even him saying " Im making it nice for YOU" isnt helping my frustrations much, and him dealing with contractors 24/7 takes away from time spent together. Other couples seemingly just go to nice restaurants and don't take on such ambitious projects. I realize that long term investment properties will generate a healthy profit especially as the properties are in desirable up and coming areas but I'm still frustrated. I just want everything to be finished so we can settle down, and a house HAS to be finished before we can start a family. Any advice to get through this trying time?
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female
reader, Isolatedgothicprune +, writes (4 June 2017):
I feel like on the positive side, he wants to marry you, he feels you are "the one," and he is wanting you to be involved in his projects. Those are all very healthy qualities in a man, and those things are also very hard to find! Are you feeling like his entire attention is on his houses, his finances, and his concerns? I ask, because I am dating a man who lost his marriage due to the fact that, as his wife apparently told him, "you have your houses." From what I can gather, she felt pushed aside for his love of working on and tinkering with his houses. I am seeing it in our own relationship. He wants me involved, yet unlike you, he refuses to marry me for fear that if our marriage ended, I'd end up with a dime of what he has made.So I wonder if deep down, you feel that all his prime attention goes to his hobby houses, and none of it goes to actually showing you that he is interested in marriage, in family, or in you. If that is the case, it's best to break away and let him have his hobby. If it's consuming him to the point where you feel neglected, and he doesn't listen to your concerns and instead tries to almost blame you ["I'm doing this for YOU," which he is not, he is doing it for him] then perhaps it is time to seriously consider breaking things off. He isn't going to change. He will be the same man I am dating right now in 20 years - still pouring all of himself into his houses.Think carefully.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (4 June 2017):
 Most women are interested in security, good income, and a roof over their heads. You just want fun and nice meals at expensive places. I'm afraid you two aren't compatible financially. Let him go he will have no trouble finding someone who wants to pick colors.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (4 June 2017):
It is difficult to envision someone this ambitious settling down. The more he becomes known in the community, the more opportunities will come his way. He is a workaholic. I am one, too, and we are driven to accomplish things. Sitting down and just resting is an annoyance.
My dad was the same way...he never quit until the day he died. My mom was a little lazy but didn't seem to have a problem with the situation. She even lured in one of my dad's cousins to take over some of the role-model and dad/boy duties.
You don't mention how long you've been together or how much longer the projects are expected to last. If it isn't too long for you to wait, I suggest letting him finish the projects and then see what happens. If you need change now, you should leave. That might change his attitude and give you more time with him, but will more likely anger him and he won't be interest in reconciliation. I will add that I've seen some really hard-working men suddenly take more time off when kids come into the picture, but I would never have a kid to accomplish that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): If he has borrowed heavily to continue this speculative work, and if he is physically drained at the end of the day and mentally exhausted then he has neither the time, energy nor motivation to wine and dine you like other couples.He has a long term plan to build wealth. If you do not enjoy the renovation process and do not want to be involved then you may not be the right partner for him.Because once he sells the current property he may well take on a new property to renovate.It could be years before he feels he has ''enough''.My father was like this. My mother was just as heavily involved choosing tiles and picking up supplies.But she wanted an overseas cruise. And a home of her own. One that needed no renovation.Every year he would put her off.Though finally he did agree that they should buy a home.Trouble was it needed renovation and it never did get renovated.Meanwhile at 59 she became exasperated at no agreement to have that cruise. She had her own income. So she booked ONE ticket only for a four month round the world cruise that included some extra cruising in Europe.She came home one day to tell him that she'd booked a cruise. He was up in arms. Said they could not afford it right now.Said he was too busy to go on a cruise. Told her to cancel the cruise.She sweetly told him that she was going. That she'd only booked ONE ticket. She had a lovely time.He hated the 4 months without her.Just be aware that once the renovation bug hits that speculative renovators like your guy are always chasing more dreams. If you do not enjoy it at all then best leave now. As there are many ladies who love the process and would happily share the load with him.It is demanding. The financial highs can be high if you are not reckless.Make the wrong decisions and over extend yourselves in a market where prices are dropping and interest rates are rising and you can lose your shirt.But those who love the process find it so much fun.And always treat the tradesman well. Though I keep out of their way once they are working.On arrival early in the morning I always have cookies set out for them. At least two varieties. I include fruit flavored soda -several bottles. Disposable cups. And I offer three varieties of instant soup and make which one they choose on arrival on a cold day. This good treatment of tradesmen pays dividends. Also I leave an electric kettle, a microwave and a small fridge. Also soap etc in the bathroom. Or an outside portable toilet if they are doing a bathroom and there is no additional bathroom. These seem like basics to me.After I inspect the work, if it is good I text my thanks for a job well done.If I am not happy I list the problems then I phone them and discuss, in a civil way, what I am not happy with and set up an appointment to see what is not ok and work out how it can be fixed.Consequently I also get to hear some very wild stories about clients who are not so civil to tradesmen. Most are very funny.Once you get to know reliable tradesmen who's prices are reasonable and who's work is consistently excellent and who you treat very well then you'll find that they want to turn up on time.I suggest that you either throw yourself completely into the renovation business or get out now before it ruins your relationship with your guy.It is not an easy business but there are good rewards in the end if you do not over extend your finances.
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