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He hurts my feelings but I love him so much. Help.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 March 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2008)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am 21 years old,I've been married for just over a year now, and I'm six months pregnant with our baby boy. I Love my husband very much, and I know he loves me too, but he hurts my feelings a lot. Yes, I may be a little over sensitive, but sometimes the things he does just aren't right, and I find it hard to believe that he doesn't realize it. He rarely keeps his word ( to me, that is, with his buddies it's a different story) I guess it just angers me that he expects me to just go along and be okay with that. He's very famous for making sure, by the end of the dispute, I look like the 'She Devil' and that makes me feel even worse. Its hard to share my feelings with him about things that upset me or worry me, without offending him- he snaps right back before I can explain myself. I Love him soo much, but if I was making up a list of words to describe him, inconsiderate , and irresponsible would both be high on the list. I guess I was just wondering if any one had some advice? I'm feeling pretty blue. Thanks!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008):

It might be a problem of communciation between the sexes. "inconsiderate and irresponsible" are traits that I have noticed in several guys. Try reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey, (available at most good bookshops) to see if this will help you to understand his behaviour better and learn to communicate with him in ways he might understand.

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A male reader, Jocko Azerbaijan +, writes (23 June 2008):

It really just sounds like one side of the story. Everyone can talk about respect and you parents. However, my girlfriend talks the talk like you do.

The reality is: It sounds like you have very low self esteem and self confidence. You are resposible for your feelings and YOUR HALF of the relationship. If you are complaining and not happy, it will not work with anyone.

Everyone has their faults, stop picking on his and work on yours. If you take of yourself you can guide him. Your negative nanccy attitude is going to lead to misery and divorce, let alone a miseralbe child.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008):

Thank You everyone, for your replies to my message- very helpful tips. Thanks!

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (22 March 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntYou don't say he changed, so he was always like this and yet you still fell in love with him, married him and got pregnant by him.

How is your self-esteem, not just now but when you met him?

What was the relationship of your mother with your father?

Cause I am getting the feeling that you went into this relation with your eyes wide open believing that you didn't deserve better then a guy who made you feel bad.

He treats you bad because you let him. He couldn't hurt your feelings if that first meeting you had just kept walking.

Not really trying to give advice here, but trying to understand, what about him do you love or do you simply like the feeling of being in love?

How do you know he loves you? He says so? Words are cheap, actions are what counts.

At best he is still imature as hell and wants to look cool in front of his friends by showing them you are his bitch. How does he behave in private?

As for keeping his word, well if he breaks his word with his mate he will face the consequences, what do you do?

If he is immature, you have a job and half raising him up. Not sure why you would want to bother, but then I am not female.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (22 March 2008):

rcn agony auntWhen really in love with someone, what part of making you feel bad is included in that? It sounds like he is immature, and is really disrespecting you. Love does not include disrespect. Who is ultimately responsiable for their behavior? Everyone. We are all responsiable for our own behavior. We can not make someone do something or act in a certain way. Most reactions as well are by choice.

You choose how to be treated. You have to be firm with being treated well. With your husband you need to stand your ground and demand better treatment. Let him know this way of blaming you is not going to be accepted or put up with. You deserve to be treated well, and he has no right to violate it. His not keeping commitments. It's okay to say no to someone but it's not okay to say yes then not show up. That isn't just marital respect but respect with anyone who relies on your presence to be there.

There definately needs to be changes in your marriage. I hope this helps you, take care.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (22 March 2008):

natasia agony auntIt sounds like he isn't really respecting you the way he should, and part of the reason why might be because he feels he doesn't have to try with you now - he's got you completely - you're his wife, you're carrying his child, and you totally love him, unconditionally.

I know the feeling. And it really hurts that when you're giving yourself to him like that, he treats you badly and upsets you - upsets you for no reason, but just because he can.

There's no doubt that his behaviour is careless and mean, and he needs to stop it - you've only been married a year, and you aren't going to be able to put up with this forever (you shouldn't have to at all!).

I think you need to be quite firm with yourself, and stop yourself being so open and loving - only for a time. Try to be more independent. Don't even go there with the kind of conversations you know he doesn't do well. And if he behaves badly, tell him it's not on. Go out of the room. Tell him you won't put up with it. What's the worst that can happen? He'll get cross with you and be mean. Yes, but you need to draw boundaries with him, and now, because otherwise he's going to walk all over you. One night where you DON'T put your arms around him might make him start to think. It's a pity you've got to act like this, but it's a bit like bringing up a child - sometimes you have to be firm. He needs to get in line!

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