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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 21 year old who has been living in the UK for the past 2 years. Now has come the time for me to return to my home country but 4 months ago I met a guy I really like. Now we are facing the prospect of breaking up and he has offered to come home with me. I am not sure I am ready for that level of commitment after only 4 months but I do care for him deeply and am also not ready to throw away this relationship. I am also not up for a long distance relationship as I had a bad experience with my ex when I came to the UK the first time - it was just too painful and I hated living two lives. What should I do? I'm absolutely torn.
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (28 June 2006):
 Bev's advice is brilliant. I would just add this, if he's coming soley for you, it's a bad idea. It's too much pressure on such a young relationship. The other thing is a story I'd like to share. My friend came from the U.S to the UK for an English woman he'd met. They got married, had a baby and then a few years later she started treating him badly. He stuck it out and tried so hard, but she left him. He is now here soley for his daughter and wouldn't consider going back 'home' because of her. He's almost a prisoner in another country and that was the sacrifice he made by moving so far.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 June 2006):
 The answer depends on what he plans to do if he follows you back to your home country. Does he expect to live together? Or is he planning on trying to arrange his own visa and continue dating with no other expectations?
Other things to consider are such questions as whether he has friends and/or family that he'll be leaving behind. Is he throwing in the towel on his career, and hoping you'll be his meal ticket when you get back home? Or does he have a job that he can take anywhere and is in high demand.
Speaking as a person who has immigrated between countries and "given up everything" for an international move, I think that he needs to give this idea a lot more thought than four months' dating allows.
What if he can't get a residential visa in your country? What will he do if you two don't work out as a couple? Can he support himself? Would he go back to the UK?
Given all of the unknowns and variables, and given that you're only 21 years old, I recommend that you don't do this. If you feel there's a chance, try the long-distance thing for a while. Plan visits between your countries, or each of you make visits to the other. Modern communication methods (email, webcam, text, Skype) mean you can see as much of the other as many married couples with kids do anyway! See how it works out after say, three months. Then consider what you want to do.
The best short advice I can give you in these situations is: if you feel hesitant, listen to your doubts. They're telling you something.
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