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*hroomi812
writes: Ok, I never thought I would come here, but if I don't get some insights I am going to do something incrediably stupid here. Everyone is different and does things in their own way, so I dont know if this will just add to my insecurities asking for help, but what would you think?See I have been with a man for nearly 2 years. I was in a relationship/marriage for 16 years and this fellow cheated on me, not because of me, but it was his own issue.Have I got another one here too? See, he started nearly two weeks ago to come home late every night. He gets off at 3:30 in the afternoon and gets home at 5:00. I thougth he was working late, then last wednesday I passed him on the street heading to the bar. He did this every night two weeks ago and then last week as well. Saturday he was watching the clock, but then at 3:30 stated he needed to go to work and check on some things. I felt ackward here, so I waited a little bit, about thirty minutes and took off to town to that bar he has been going to. Sure enought he wasn't at work, he was at this bar, until you know it, about five. This week all over again it is starting he is doing the same thing going to this bar every night after work.Tell me, does this mean he is meeting someone there? I mean he hasn't been going there for the past two years like this, just all of a sudden. It would be one thing if the fellow thought he needed a drink after work and maybe this is all that it is, but he is lyeing to me. Last night at five he called me, told me he had to run over here and there and is finally on his way home..Well great..why would he call to tell me that, he hadn't called any other night for the past two weeks?I dont want to make a boob out of myself and make false accusations.I have tried to say something, but feel like I would be a blooming idiot and start a fight. I don't care if he wants to go to the bar, but I do if it means he is seeing someone else. I think well, maybe for the rest of the week I can park somewhere and watch to see if anyone walks out with him, but that makes me feel wrong here in spying on him, but I just don't think someone just all of a sudden starts going to the bar without having something going on there, especailly when he knows I would never come in there and doesn't even know I know that is where he is at. Thanks for your helpful insights
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reader, shroomi812 +, writes (6 December 2006):
shroomi812 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe will get home before I do tonight, I actually do have to work late. So at lunch I went home and left him a note. I told him that he should not feel like he has to lie to me or hide things from me, and if he wants to go after work, I dont care, what a piddly ass thing if you ask me to have to feel like you shouldn't or can't do that unless something else is going on that will effect what we have and if that's what is going on, then tell me now. I told him I am hurt he doesnt feel like he can talk to me or tell me something as simple minded as going to a fricken bar, if a bill didn't get paid, you wrecked the car, i would worry, but going to a bar, hello..I am just a lost cause..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006): yes, saying "screw ya buddy" does sound like the relationship isn't that good, but from what I am reading into this you are feeling betrayal because he doesn't feel like he can talk to you. To sneak to the bar or lie about going is a classic sign that something is not right at home not neccessarily that he is cheating on you espeacially in just a short time frame. Although that is all the time he needs to arrange to meet someone some where else. Maybe you should just make your feelings known to him how that makes you feel and let him know he shouldn't feel he should hide things from you. If you can't say those things, then obviously this situation is hopeless and you need to move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006):
"screw ya buddy" really doesnt sound like the relationship is going that well.
I am going to guess that he is buying drugs at that bar- I guess that would fit.
Why don't you schedule a week long get away for your family- it sounds like you guys could use it regardless. See if he is getting antsy away from his local bar. What is his personality like when you guys go out for a drink together? Maybe he has a seperate "bar personality" and feels you are too much of a wet blanket....
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reader, shroomi812 +, writes (6 December 2006):
shroomi812 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk here you go, last night he called me at 3:20. He asked if i was going to take his son, I said yes,he offered to tell me that at four thirty I should stop off somewhere on the other side of town before taking his son to his appointment by that bar.
So I asked him if he was done working. He told me he would be done shortly, but not yet. A block later,he was standing at the gas pump filling his truck. He seen me as I honked and waved. I took his son a block away from that bar to an appointment, I was behind him as he pulled out of the bar that was at 10 till five, I guess the other stop didn't take as long as he hoped as to be not caught at that bar in a lie again. When I got home from the appointment, he was asleep on the couch, he didn't even want to talk to me, he covered his head when I turned on the light, i thought screw ya buddy, so I slept on the other couch. He did get up and go into the bed, but I never did, he knew i was up letting the dog out a couple of times throught the night, but I wouldn't come into that bedroom. He eventually came back to the living room and slept on the couch he was on.
This morning when we got up, he tried to act like nothing was wrong, I don't care if he goes to the bar and I don't feel like I should catch him or spy on him I should be able to trust him. You're right, going there for an hour and a half isn't much time to do much of anything, but why would a person hide the fact that they are going.
We have fun together and have a lot in common and I can't see what is going on here and don't like the feelings I get in my gut. When he left today he walked down the stairs, he opened the door and I told him I loved him, he stood there for a minute then walked out the door. I feel doomed and I don't know why..
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006):
He gets off of work at 3:30 but doesnt get home until 5? That really doesnt sound like much of a window for cheating. Maybe he is just playing darts.
Since it is a public location I think you should be not too snoopy to wait outside and see if he leaves with anyone or goes directly to your home.
Beyond this issue I think you two have problems. Doesnt sound like you have too many common activities....
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reader, Lolly3 +, writes (5 December 2006):
Get to the bar before him, sit somewhere he cant see you and watch. He isnt going to tell you what is going on. You will be able to see for yourself.
Good luck xx
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reader, shroomi812 +, writes (5 December 2006):
shroomi812 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust for some awful reason I just want to sit down and cry my eyes out of my head. This man won't tell me he loves me, he barely says good bye to me in the mornings. We haven't had sex in almost a month now, i walked into the bedroom butt ass naked, and he rolled over to look at the wall. I am a down right attractive petite woman who is very proud to be 40 and have a body simuliar of a 20 year old no sags, no bags. I mean when you just feel deep inside something is truely wrong, aren't you suppose to go with those feelings? That is what bothers me here, I just feel like this man isn't interested in me anymore, that something is truely not right, yet everytime I turn around he makes comments such as "our" this or "our" that like he is glad to say this is "ours' or his, when in fact it is mine so I get a good feeling from that, but it's like a fish out of water, flipping and a flopping here.
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reader, jabey  +, writes (5 December 2006):
You poor thing what a funny thing. I personally would broach the subject with him it can be done without causing a fight. Just explain that you know he has been going to the bar and that you do trust him and tell him he does not need to lie if he just fancies a drink now and then. That way you are not accusing him of anything. Then ask him if everything is alright, is he happy in your relationship etc. This will help if he is up to anything will give him the opportunity to say, by coming up with some problems. If you are careful and understsnding and calm when you speak with him, he will be more open back. GOod luck, dont assume the worst.
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