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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi all, need some advice. I'm seeing a guy now for 6 months and we have recently moved in together. I have 2 kids, he has 1. We have had many obstacles to overcome and have had many arguments, but we love each other very, very much and laugh and have fun all the time... when we are not arguing, that is. The thing is, I have found out that after the first two months of dating, my boyfriend, in a drunk state, texted his ex and asked her to get back together. She is the mother of his child and they were split for a year prior to me meeting him. She turned him down as she has a new man in her life. I confronted him with this and he said he had made a mistake and was confused that he had feelings for love for her because they spent 11 years together, but he said he was drunk and although he had them feelings for her he knew it wouldn't work out, and that he really loved me, and he had made a big mistake texting her. I know he loves me, but how do I know he wasn't just settling for second best? Do I leave him over this or can it work?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 I think Martini has covered what he is trying to relay to you and I do agree with his very good comments.
Do you feel anything for the father of your children?
I think we all have special feelings for people we have been extremely close to and one drunken daft text is not the rest of your b/f's life so don't continue to punish him for it.
How did you find out that he texted his ex? Did he tell you? If so, then it was a confession if it was by another way that you found out then perhaps he just didn't want to upset you.
Does he see his child and have much contact with his ex?
The fact that this drunken text got him a flea in his ear by his ex means that there was a huge rejection there in any case. Perhaps he felt that he needed to be close to his child.
You have only been together for 6 months and in the main you have fun together and laugh a lot which is the most important thing here. If you were miserable together then you would have to question what you are doing with him but that is just not the case.
Think about who your guy is with right now - you! Doesn't that tell you something, you are not second best, his life has moved on and he is with you now so enjoy each others company and move past one drunken moment.
You are not just seeing this guy, he has committed himself to living with you so relish that and fly with it and enjoy the ride.
Don't waste time and energy on the past, concentrate on your future together as if you don't the arguments over this one stupid moment will push him away and I don't think you want that. So you feel hurt that is understandable but put it out of your mind and enjoy being together as a new family and embrace his child as well.
He will always have some sort of contact with his ex because of his child as I reckon you will with your ex and that is just part of life. Don't be jealous of her she has moved on and so has he as he is living with you.
Life is for the living so embrace it eh!
Keep me posted if you get a chance.
BFN
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): It's probably lingering bottled up emotions. Let's relate...
I once had the opportunity to meet someone whom I dumbfoundedly pushed away. However, it took me about 2 years to get over her. Since then, I've had 3 intimate companions. However, I can tell you that even though my heart and my current desires were for those whom were with me, deep down inside, I still loved Tea Girl (she worked at a bubble tea place) very much.
I remember once I was in her room, and she asked me, "I do not understand how you can love me?" This was when we separated pretty much. I didn't give her a straight answer back then. Now 6 years later, I want to talk to her again, but only to try to restart as friends. Yes, I still have lingering emotions for her. She made up a large part of who I am today, even though we were 'together' for such a short period of time.
When I am with my gf/ex's, they are constantly in my heart. I do things for them that is exclusive to them, and I know they need no further reassurance from me. However, I will confess, Tea Girl will always be somewhere in there.
If indeed your bf got drunk and texted a "I love you" to his ex, it's probably because of similar feelings that I have as well. Many men and women have this sort of lingering emotions anyway.
I believe that people always ask "How do I know if I am second best?" No, that isn't really a valid question. THERE IS NOT A PERFECT COMMERCIALIZED partner in this world. Well actually my ex's new bf is probably quite perfect in the commercialized world. Uh, anyway, what IS "second best"? Each person is made up of a different combination of things. Physique, mentality, spirituality, intelligence, wit, charm. etc - all different ingredients of a human being.
Say I forfeit being a 7 figure income executive officer, and become a sushi cafe owner who makes about 50k a year. Does that mean I am settling for second best? No. It's just a preference in chemistry.
I feel like I am not getting through to you. Somebody else help! 8]
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