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He gives me mixed messages but we are just friends! How do I know if he wants more?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 9 December 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:


I am so confused. How do I know if a guy wants more than just freindship?

Myself and this guy are very close, we do a lot of things together as freinds. I have known him a few years now. I am very reserved on my feelings, always have been, he does not have a clue I like him more than I do.

Some times he is very attentive to my needs and others he is oblivious - typical men I say ;O) He gives me mixed messages in so far as one moment he is flirting like mad and the next he pulls back. He is very protective of me at times and has a go at people if they verbally "attack" me.

Sometimes when I flirt with him, he laps it up and others he seems not to be sure what to do?

He remembers strange things about me, things people shouldn't remember? like login names to some music forums I am on ( he is not a member of, and he has just watched me post once or twice) In a way that shocks me, as men don't remember these things? So he is sort of taking an interest.

People often ask me if there is anything going on with us both as we seem very suited and I find myself time and time again saying no just freinds, which I find very hard, as I can see what they are saying and agree.

All I can tell is this:-


When I am with him, he comes alive, I NEVER see him like that with anyone else?

His pupils dilate often

If he goes away on holiday or the like, he always brings me a gift back, so he obvioulsy thinks of me when he is away. He has gone away before now and called me to see how I am.

We both are so close we are in tune with each others thoughts. We often start the same conversation at the same time (weird)

We have "pet" names for each other


Sometimes he does not remember a word I say

He's not made a move as such, so if he was interested surely he would have done by now?

Sometimes he comes over as simply not interested (but then I am guilty of that)

There is no way on earth I can declare my feelings for him until I am 110% sure of his feelings to me. What signs should I be looking out for?

View related questions: flirt, mixed messages, on holiday

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Oh no you didn't hurt me or did I think you were making any less of my post I was just seeking clarification that's all.

I have looked carefully at the signs for sure, I am just not sure I am reading the signs as anything more than freindship? Maybe I am seeing things there because I want more to be there?

He seems to tease me as much as he can, in a joking way, not sexual I mean, like what I call "affectionate taps" IE tapping on the chin with his fist to say chin up if I am uhappy, or just pushing my shoulder with his shoulder as we are walking down the street in a playful way, or just saying things that know wind me up (not nasty) and sits laughing at me because he has made me react. Mind you I do the same there too.

He's now lending me his favourite videos so I get as interested in it as he is. He kept nagging at me to watch them so he could talk to me about them.

After I posted the other day, I saw him and we were just chatting next to each other at a table and he stroked my arm with his finger, don't know why? Can't even remember what we were talking about. But it made me jump and I pulled away as I was not expecting it? So if that was a good tactile approach from him I blew it?

I guess I will have to try and be a bit more pushy?

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (8 December 2008):

Danielepew agony auntSorry if my post gave you the wrong impression. I do not mean to hurt you or make any less of your post. I was just trying to be I-don't-know-what-but-obviously-nice.

This is "GOOD" nice, never "bad" nice.

"HA-HA-HA" he's noticed because you give that much information about what he does and doesn't do that, if he has caught you checking him only 1% of the time, then he must have at least a clue about your interest in him. You gave so many details about what he does that it's clear you have looked carefully :-).

However, there must be something that keeps him from making his interest any more manifest.

I'm not sure how you should proceed. Perhaps do what Oldersister recommended. Perhaps you can start "needing" him around so much that he will notice something. As in, for example, "You know, I need strong and skillful hands and minds, "AND YOUR OWN EXQUISITE PERSONAL TOUCH" here with this great Blu-ray player I got." Don't call him to help you with the plumbing because he will get a different idea.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Maybe I am being a bit dumb here, but why is it very clear he is interested? Could just be being a good freind? This is why I am not sure?

Why HA HA HA of course he has noticed? Yes I guess I have not given him enough clues, but I am not going to risk anything unless I am 110% sure?

God no! Don't send me a picture! I don't want to figure out anymore men, this one is hard enough as it is ha ha.

Nice? Is that a good nice, or bad nice? ;-)

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (8 December 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI have a few things to say myself.

First, it is very clear that the guy is very much interested in you. Something holds him back. You think that we men don't remember certain things, but you're wrong. We do when they are important for us. Just like women do.

Like Oldersister said, you will have to give him a sign that he can go for you. He won't do that, not because he's shy or stupid but because he is not very sure what to think or how to act. Like the proverbial glass of water: is it half full, or half empty?

As to not remembering things, well, that depends on the definition of it. Once, a girl I knew asked me whether I remembered a dress she had worn like ten or eleven years ago. I said I sure did, of course; what else could I say? Then she wanted to know whether the shoes she was seeing "would have been a good match" to that dress. At that point I said I really didn't remember what the dress was like. And I didn't.

And then, you say he hasn't noticed your interest. HA-HA-HA and another big HA-HA. My belly is about to burst because of the laughter. Of course he has noticed! You just haven't given him enough clues to act on.

There's something very nice about you. You notice small and nice things about the man you're into. Can I send you a picture of me? I'm sure you would discover good things I don't even know I have :-).


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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I saw him today and we were talking about past relationships. He was saying about how he used to be with women in the past, very confident and almost tart like, which to be honest is something he has told me a few times before anyway. So no shocks there, and that was decades ago now.

We have both admitted to each other in the past we can be very shy at times and not actually say what we want to.

He was saying that he has lost all confidence now as he has put on weight and doesn't feel good about himself. I for the record don't think he is overly fat? cuddly sure and I have hinted a few times in the past I like men who have a little meat on their bones and not rakes

So I figured I would try and build him up other ways in how intelligent he is and how much I have confidence in him in many things. He seemed to respond to that positively and his pupils dilated and he was blushing whilst smiling at me.

Later He got all tongue tied at something he was talking about and couldn't remember the answer, even though I knew he did, so I drew him out to answer his own question and he did, and got all embarrassed he even asked, so I gave him a big hug and said I was confident you knew anyway. He never pulled away and just sat and lapped it up.

When we finally left each other, it was like we didn't want to and just stood chit chatting about nothing really, so when we did, I "accidentally" made sure our goodbye kiss got him on the lips and he smiled and almost skipped off. Within 5 minutes I got a text off him unrelated to that, but just seeming to keep dialogue open again.

I am more confused than ever now! I know I will have to work on his confidence now, as that is obviously a huge issue. But am I reading too much into everything?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Some very good advice there Ask Oldersister! Things will have to run into next year, as we have not got a lot of days/weeks left before Christmas now, and we have no concrete plans to go out as it were this side of Xmas as we are both catching up with other freinds/family before and during the holidays.

About the kiss, we ALWAYS give each other a kiss on the cheek when we leave each other, sometimes we have both "accidentally" kissed on the lips and when that happens the smile he gives can melt the frostiest heart! So will see what happens in the coming weeks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

"Some things you can do would be to hold his eye contact a little longer than usual, give him a full frontal hug when you see him, close the physical distance when you are talking to him, etc.."

We both do that already anyway, we are both very comfortable in each others personal space, obviously not ALL the time we are together.

"If you place your hand on his knee and he pulls away, there's your answer. If you place your hand on his a little longer than usual and he moves his hand away"

Trouble is we have both done this to each other, one time we both allow the touch to linger and others we pull away, so maybe we are both giving each other mixed signals?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Re the flirting. Sometimes he more than flirts back and others he doesn't. 7 x out of 10 it is him instigating it. Like suggestive tongue movements, eyeing up my clevage when he thinks I am not looking etc

Problem is I think I have played it so cool, I have almost (without saying it) told him I am not interested which is a bit dumb. Trouble is, I like most people, have had my heart broken a few times and I don't want to risk it anymore.

One night a few weeks ago, we were at a disco and there was a guy there he knew I thought was nice looking, and he said he would back off and leave me to it if I tipped him the nod, I did, and he wouldn't leave, and danced with us? and just seemed to keep his eyes on me, the other guy must have either got bored or felt intimidated and he went.

A bit later I got too hot and went to the other side of the room, he was being cool saying he would stay here. I had only been gone about 5 minutes when he came looking for me, he saw I was near the other guy and made a big play of high 5 and suggestively dancing in front of me? as to warn the other guy off!?.

I am so damn confused. Am I reading the signs wrong and actually wishing I was seeing more than there actually is ?

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A female reader, petina1 United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2008):

petina1 agony auntYouve been friends for years, maybe he is thinking just as you are, doesnt want to risk spoiling what you have by going a step further. If you are as close as you say you are, be brave and talk to him about how youre feelings are getting stronger, see how he takes that and take it from there. Little steps so that it's easier to withdraw back to where you were in case you have misread it. The flirting with each other is an indication, you may just need a push in the right direction. hope this helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

yeah =D

it sounds like he does!

bonus coz u guys r best friends

maybe hes just shy?

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