A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've met a guy on tinder and been dating him for 5months and have just found out he's given me genital herpes, however he is unaware that he has it. He told me he got tested for STDs and came back clear however they don't routinely test for herpes. The situation I'm in is that I know 100% without a doubt he's given it to me so what do I do with this knowledge? Our relationship is going extremely well, I'm falling in love with him and i don't want to wreck things by broaching this topic. If I leave him in the dark about this he may find out down the track and think I've given him herpes! And if I tell him I risk other people finding out! Help I have no idea what to do?!
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I completely agree with Tisha-1. You HAVE to bring up this topic.
I want to tell you that if you don't say anything, you do something wrong, that many women do in order to please men: They spare them from the truth!
Not telling him that he has hurt you, just so he won't get angry with you and hurt his fragile ego. This is a love killer! It's like faking orgasms so he won't find out you think he's a bad lover. It's like kissing him even though he has bad breath and you hate it, just so he doesn't feel hurt. It's like always silently cleaning the piss from the toilet, so you don't have to address you'd like him to sit down in your bathroom. Of course, at first sight, this is keeping the harmony between the two of you. It's making sure he will fall in love, because you're never objecting, never bringing up difficulties, always "liking" him no matter what. No confrontations, because you don't address your problems. Over the years, this will wear out any relationship, you'll grow distant from your feelings for him and either silently resent him or yourself.
So, my advice: If this man is a good partner for you, he'll be able to deal with this topic in a mature way. Trust him and don't try to avoid the uncomfortable subject. Tell it like it is! If he reacts in a bad way, you don't want to be with him, trust me, because if you can't address your worries and problems (and confront him about the ways he hurt you), you won't have a good relationship, anyway. You'll be together with a selfish and childish person and you'll support his bad behavior, feeling alienated from who you really are.
I know, right now all you want is to fall in love and be happy. But to start an honest relationship means, to me, that from time to time you exactly risk to "wreck things", to ruin the moment, to lower the mood, but at least say the truth. This way, a relationship can grow really strong and lasting, because you both can deal with the problems in a more constructive way than just denying them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): Ok firstly Hun , I am herpes 2 pos and have been for twenty plus years . Herpes is NOT considered blood born disease and you are under no obligation to let any employer know so let's get that cleared up firstly . Many people behave as if genital herpes is like hepatitis or HIV but if that were true the 80 percent of the population better start notifying their employers because 80 percent of people have HSV 1 ( cold sores virus) which is herpes !!!!!Same deal Rarely do the 80 percent of people whoHave ever had a cold sore feel obligated to explain that they carry the heroes virus and can shed it at any time and pass on herpes to their partners genitals even when they don't have a cold sore , which they can . And truly ... Most people don't even realise or think about that . Yet those of is who carry the genital herpes and are aware enough of our bodies to know we carry it ( as 'any don't know they have it) also cantu the burden of knowing we should say something And truly , the right thing to do .. For all carriers whether of oral or genital is to say something and educate . You need to talk to him about this.Just be up front and matter of fact . Say this is what's happened and we need to discuss it . You'll be ok
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 "Derek, I just saw my doctor and have learned that I now have genital herpes. Unfortunately, the only one who could have given it to me is you. I'm sorry to have to tell you this and it is very uncomfortable but it has to be dealt with. Our relationship is going so well that I was worried about bringing this up with you but it's important that you get tested and treated."
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/stds-hiv-safer-sex/herpes
There's some information on how to tell him here: http://www.letthemknow.org.au
This website http://www.sti.health.gov.au/internet/sti/publishing.nsf/Content/Herpes warns about the risks of not knowing about herpes: "Left untreated, the herpes virus can cause meningitis, and exposed blisters can increase the risk of acquiring HIV."
also "If you have herpes it is your responsibility to let all your sexual partners from at least the past six months know so that they can be tested and treated if needed. For advice on how to make it easier to tell them visit the let them know website. [that's the link I provided above]
"In most cases you’re not obliged to notify teachers or your boss if you’ve been diagnosed with an STI, but there are some rare exceptions for certain professionals who have been diagnosed with a blood-borne virus like HIV or hepatitis B. Ask your doctor for advice if you are unsure."
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"Derek, you may have been tested for STDs but it appears they didn't test for herpes. Unfortunately, I have been tested and have found that I contracted herpes and the only individual that could have transmitted this virus is you. You'll need to see a doctor, get tested and treated as soon as possible."
You're just going to have live with the risk of other people finding out. He's obligated to tell his previous partners about this diagnosis as well.
You could just have your doctor's office walk you through the procedure of notifying him if you are fearful.
Best wishes.
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