A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am with my boyfriend a little over a year, and I moved into his appartment about a month ago.,I am writing it to hear some opinions if I am mistaken on having these thoughts, but the whole situation started bothering me from the very beginning, and I know I need to speak up and communicate it to him, but first I need to know may be I am wrong and what he is doing is the right way. It started when I said yes to move in together. We are very serious at this point, otherwiset I would never move in with him. He brought up a question of money right away as soon as I said yes. He said, though an appartment is of his parents and all paid for there are expences like taxes and maintenance fee, plus utilities that come to 1350$ a month, and he made it clear that I need to split it with him. That shocked me honestly. I lived before with a roomate, we had a very nice appartment, and my share was with utilities 700$. . Basically I am saving 25$ by moving in together. I told him that, that I honestly didnt expect to split everything with him exactly in a middle, and I truly hoped to save some money, not to just have the exact amount to pay again. We agreed on me paying only 500$/ a month. What bothers me here, is that he lived in this appartment for the past 10 years since he graduated from college. There were never any roommates. He paid all this time all the expences. He now has a much better position at work and makes almost twice more than he used to make, his words. Why I have this heavy feeling is because it looks like he made a "good deal" by having me moved in. Also I never had so much cable TV as I don't watch it as much and also it gets too expensive. He has all the possible Chanel's, and now I am paying for it. When I moved in I found myself in a position to do most of household chores. Like cleaning, cooking, grossery shopping, dry cleaning trips and laundry. It's not that he is a slob, but he just never cleans. I asked him in a beginning that we need to set a day for cleaning, he agreed, but then there is always something, he needs to do this and that, than he meets his buddies for a game, and he is simply tired and he doesn't want to spend half Saturday cleaning. So, what is the solution, I asked. I think you are too picky when it comes to cleaning, I think appartment doesn't need cleaning once a week, he says. Ok, I said, let's do it every 2 weeks. Ok, he said, but the story repeated itself. I work full time like him, and I can't stay I a dirty house, and I don't want to clean after him. My friend advices me to just have a cleaning lady to come every 3 weeks. So, this what I did, I hired a week ago a nice lady who for 80$ does cleaning and changes sheets. I never even told him, I don't want to bring money question again. She did an excellent job, and I finally came home to a clean house and clean bed. Food: he doesn't know how to cook. Before he would just take food out. Also his mother every Sunday cooks dinner, and he goes there every Sunday, now with me. She cooks a lot and he always brings home enough for 2 days for me and him. His mother is a realy good cook, and I love her food. So, before me he had food all done for him until Wednesday, and then for 4 days he either went out or took out. With me moving in, I started cooking. I don't like to eat out too much for 2 reasons: health and cost. I prefer to go out once a week. My lunches I also take with me, I never buy them. Since of course I cook for myself I cook for him also. But because he never done it before, his refrigerator was always empty, I am buying all the groceries. He never even enters grossery stores. Before I asked him for money for this he never even mentioned anything. Then when I told him how much I spend he said, wow, isn't cheaper to just take out food? I said of course it's not cheaper. For the amount I ask him to contribute he could only get himself dinner, but what about breakfast, lunch and snacks, like fruits, energy bars and so on. This fact bothers me also. He was smart enough to ask me to pay his house expences, but he doesn't realize that he eats food that I buy, and everything cost money??Also, I run lots of little errands like laundry, dry cleaning, post office. It's like he is waiting for me to go these places and asks me if I can do something for him also. Whenever I ask him, he has no time, or it's not on his way. What I also noticed that he doesn't like to do anything for me, like little things. I asked him one night to make me a drink. He never says no. I was waiting for 20 miutes for him to actually make me that drink, and then got up and did it myself. In a mean time he was checking his phone, finishing his drink, switching cable chanells. I ask him to unload dishwasher. Sure, he says. Then 2 days go by, dishwasher is still full of clean dishes. I built a lot of resentment lately, and though I still want to be with him these things discourage me a lot. I feel like if we are married one day and have children he wil be just a passive bystander, and I will have to do all by myself and also contribute to household financially.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): He has been living on his own all this time and now you have moved in he has a ready made person to do all his chores, and you are even paying for the privilege! Yes he is cheeky but it was important to find these things out before you moved in - specifically the finances. To be honest I am in the same boat regarding chores and I am being used - but I am secretly looking to leave so am just biding my time which is hard to do and stay sane. Some men seem to assume the woman will take on everything (cleaning, washing etc) and that they will only play a part in chores when asked to do so (or nagged as they say). You have a job and income - what is stopping you from moving out? Just find a place you can afford and stop doing his chores for him. You might find you have more time for yourself. It will also show you whether he is interested in you as a person... or just what you can do for him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2014):
 Maybe more than an issue of right or wrong it is an issue of compatibility. And of not having " done your homework " properly before moving in, and found out which were your mutual expectations and demands. Too bad ,because in one year there was ample time to discover all you need to know about cleaning standards, lifestyles, spending habits, individual wants and needs etc.
Anyway, FWIW ( since after all it's a matter of opinions ). I think you should not be splitting taxes and maintenance ( and house insurance if any ) because those are costs which pertain to the owner ,your bf ( well, actually his parents ). If you pay half of that, but you don't get half of the ownership title to the house , you can't sell or bequeath half of it... makes no sense.
As for the rest, yes, you should pay half of the costs. And also keep in mind that the house " came with " certain services and conveninces- you may not watch much cable Tv- but it's there. Same as you would be paying half the cleaning service of the house pool even if you can't swim, or half the gardener fee even if you never set foot outside.
The fact that before you he could afford to live there alone is irrelevant, IMO. He paid more then- but he also had all the house to himself. He could have thrown wild parties in it, or chosen to reduce it to total filth , without being nagged. He sacrifices his available personal space, and his total free ownership of the house- for a price. It's not very generous of you to reproach him that he wanted to make a good bargain- when apparently you were expecting the same ( a big saving on your previous rent , or maybe even living there for free ! ).
As for the rest , it's not that you are wrong, but maybe you had different expectations ? you act as a wife, and you reason as a wife : we both work, we need to share equally house chores, costs of meals... Again, it's not wrong, it's normal- but maybe he did not want a wife yet ? What I am tryng to say is, that, without this having anything to do with your PERSONAL relationship which may very well be excellent, loving and affectionate- probably he sees it.. well,how it is in practice. You are renting space in his house. It's not even that you were two potential roommates looking for a new place together, so having to agree about schedules, habits and chores. You moved , fully knowing him and his habits and lifestyle, in HIS house. He does not see why this should change , and I can't totally blame him. I feel your pain , I'd go nuts if I had to live in a dirty place, but, then again , one has the right to clean or not clean his own place, and the new addition can either put up with it, or, as you intelligently did, choose to pay a cleaner to bring the house up to her standards. Ditto for eating habits and costs. I think the problem would not exist if you accepted to live there as his roommate : you cook for yourself and pay for yourself, and he keeps ordering out his single portions, and everybody is happy :
the problem is , that you don't want to live there as if you were a rommate ( albeit, it would be a much smarter choice !, you would save yourself a lot of work that you have taken upon yourself needlessly and without being asked! you would look after YOUR laundry and YOUR shopping and YOUR ironing etc, and would let him fend for himself ), you want to live there in a wifeish quality- and I can't blame you either. Although I feel all this should have been discussed in details ( expectations, wants , needs, willingness to compromise and to what degree ) way before moving in with him.
I mean, yes sure, when you live with a SO you have to make adjustments and compromises and sacrifices. But , although you say it's a very serious relationship, and I believe that- he ( or you ) still does not know if it is " the " relationship, a " forever " relationship. It may be a wonderful relationship, but I think maybe he feels it's not necessary or worth it make big changes in his life when it's still an " here and now it works, tomorrow we'll see " relationship.
When all it is said and done, anyway, it sounds like yu both can't afford living there and you aren't happy with your current situation ,which leaves you stressed out, frustrated and resentful.
So move back out- because it isn't working. No need to be confrontational about it or to make it a huge bone of contention. It's not mandatory living together- if both enjoy more dating and keeping their own addresses.
Of course that's delaying the problem in case you should decide to get married- but , if you reach that point, you will have had the time to " renegotiate " thouroughly and seriously, and everybody will know the other's dealbreakers ; and hopefully you will have defused the main roadblocks by : a) agreeing- in fact , putting it as a non-negotiable !, that he pays his share of a cleaner for ALL the times it takes to keep the house in manageable, decent ( not perfect ) conditions. That 's reasonable- he can afford it, since he earns well , he sacrifices some money , and you sacrifice your aspiration to pristine and immaculate. b ) learning to NOT mother him, and to not feel like you should be in charge of everything. A husband is not a minor child, and a wife is not a martyr. A pinch of salt, always. Like, if you are going to cook anyway - of course you'll cook for him too, why not. But why do you have to do HIS errands ? If reciprocation does not come natural- then each one brings his own stuff to the cleaners , mails their own post, - what's the big deal.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 October 2014):
 I think you are right in your final sentence. This would worry me too, and I do not see myself having to live a lifetime of this . Of I were you I would probably stick around just long enough for things to escalate (because they will) and then after another week has gone by with him not emptying the dishwasher... Id just leave. I cant see a future like this. Even if you love him, this is driving you mad. Time for a "big boy" talk about chores. Or else just leave him. There is no happy future ahead in my opinion. Imagine this, 10 years from now! He will probably have become lazier by then too, seeing as hes got you doing everything now...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2014):
 Sorry, I would move back out and find a roommate and a cheaper living situation.
Yes, I DO think that when two people live together as a couple they SHARE the costs. But that means down the board or one pays rent the other utilities.
However, it shouldn't COST you to live with him, and it should be more work (after all there is TWO if you sharing the chores now) to live together.
I had a BF live with me for 5 months while his place was being renovated and he ONLY paid for the extra food/extra cost on my landline. But that was a temporary situation so I thought it was fine. Had he moved in, we would have figured something out.
You BF is so used to living by himself that he seems to have forgotten how to act. To me it seems like he is fully taking you for granted (you are female so you will cook and clean) - you will pay half, yet ... you don't OWN half. He CAN kick you out at any given time.
This scenario is exactly who I tell people it's a GOOD idea to live with some BEFORe getting married, because I seriously do NOT believe you know someone till you live with them.
You are taking on the parent role now and he is leaning back enjoying the "ride".
Now you can sit him down and tell him HOW it all makes you feel and what you want/need from him to make it work, OR you can look for a new place to live, move out. Whether you want to keep dating him or not.. that is up to you and him.
My guess is, you are the first GIRL FRIEND he has ever lived with and thus... he has no clue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): I dont think you are wrong to be worried about this behavior. It sounds like your boyfriend has not had to grow up and fend for himself on anything yet. He had a roof put over his head by his parents, and his mom is still feeding him. I don't think he knows how to cook, clean, run his own errands etc. because he never has had to do that before.
Great job on getting the maid to come & help clean. I think that was a great compromise for that issue, since he does not seem to have a desire to clean up, and you need to have a clean house and cannot do it alone.
For the other issues, I think you may have to have a serious conversation about your expectations for living together in the same home. Yes, you should pay rent which you do. However, you should not have to supply all groceries, gas/car maintenance for errands, laundry & other chores.
Make a list of things that need to get done around the house, maybe like a calendar or something, and assign a chore or errand for each of you to do each day. Find a way to reward him for sticking to it (just like a little kid) if you can. Put it up on the wall or fridge where easily seen every day. See if this visual cue could make a difference.
As for groceries, make him give you money BEFORE you go, and a list of what he wants. Then you don't end up paying for his stuff. Just cook for one, and let him order takeout on his own if he does not contribute to the grocery bill or to cooking meals. Try a fun cooking class together to start him learning how to cook and maybe have a bit more confidence in doing this. The good thing here is that you each only have to cook 1 or 2 times a week since mom does you both for 3 days.
Also, start to say "no" when he asks you to do this or that for him when you are out running errands. He does this regularly, and you should not feel ashamed to say the same if it is out of your way, or you don't have time, or you just don't want to. Don't feel guilty, he can run his own errands or not as he wants to.
I don't think you will get him to change a lot or overnight, but I think if you can start to stand up for yourself a bit more, and discuss what you are expecting from him (just like he did for you!) you will be able to come to a compromise with him about running the household. It may never get to be 50/50, but be creative and tell him what you need. Guys like to hear solutions, not just problems.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 October 2014):
 I would move back out, tell him you can't afford the toll on your bank account and leisure hours. Suggest he get a roommate to cover expenses if he has to. Apparently he is making his housekeeper, cook, laundry maid, and personal shopper also pay the rent, instead of compensating her for the jobs she is doing. Yes, those 4 jobs are all being done by you.
Sounds like you moved in too fast without realizing the extent of his entitlement and his expectations of a roommate/live-in girlfriend.
Rethink the living together, tell him you are having second thoughts, show him this post and talk about it. Do not sit there and allow resentment to build up without trying to deal with it like an adult.
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