A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 3 years, we haved lied together for a year and a half and have a 6month old son together. I am very much still in love with him and simply can't imagine not being! Although we've had a lot of problems in the past, things had been going great for us, infact he'd bought me an engagement ring and was planning to propose!A week ago when looking through some photo disks on the laptop i came across a disk full of porn! Now i wouldnt mind so much but he always told me he wasnt in to to that as long as he had me! Anyway i was upset to find he was looking and ahem 'entertaining' himself over these pictures whilst i was in hospital, poorly and pregnant with our son...this is what hurt me. How can he possibly be thinking about sex during that time? To top it all off i have quite a low self esteem and the more i thought about it the more i felt hurt and it made me feel inadequate and i got very upset at the fact that he was horny and masurbating over another woman- a perfect one at that! I tried to explain but he just ignored me and wouldnt understand, he kept shrugging his shoulders and finally stormed off. When he came back he apologised and said he was wrong and bought me a boquet and a photoshoot session and gave a grand speech about how much he loved me etc. But the following day he admitted he took my engagement ring back to the shop!! This really hurt. He said he rushed into buying it and wasnt sure how he felt anymore-He doenst even know how he feels about me now!He explained that he thinks he loves me but doesnt really know what love is etc. And then said he cant imagine me not being around and that i'm all he talks and thinks about so he must love me.But when i asked him why he took my ring back he admitted he cant ever imagine us getting married or being togther our whole lives. He doesnt know if he wants to spend his whole life with me! I am so very confused and hurt and he doesnt see the problem. I feel let down, hurt and not good enough. I am now very insecure and feel he no longer loves me. I know that i do want to spend my life with and him and cant imagine marrying anyone else. I really dont u understand or know what to do. You cannot love some one truely if you cant imagine being with them in the future, surely?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Hello,
This is a really tough situation to be in, my heart goes out to you. You do deserve better, and he is treating you really badly. My advice would be to draw strength from your family and friends at the moment, to spend more time with them if you haven't been able to, look to all the other areas of your life to help you feel strong and get through this. Basically he is probably telling you the truth here and you need to take it on board, he probably does not see a future with you but he is being so unfair in how he is doing this. Like I said, you just deserve better. Either he needs to start acting like the loving man you deserve, and not just with a few grand gestures, or you need to learn just how fabulous you really are, and you can learn to get through this and be stronger and more happy than you ever have been.
As far as the porn is concerned, please don't compare yourself in any way, these are not 'perfect' women they are a fantasy, and a tacky one at that. It is no reflection on you, don't let it put you down in any way. I was in a similar situation to you for many years and held on hoping it would get better (him not being able to commit after all, that is). It didn't get better, a few more years down the line he ended up leaving. I just wish I had been the one to go, and so much sooner. That is my biggest regret now. It was so hard for a while after it ended and my self esteem was honestly in shreds. I thought it was something I'd done, that I wasn't good enough. All I can say is that now I realise I deserved better and that I am so much better off without him, even though it's hard. I met someone kind and loving, and it feels so good feel completely wanted, it is worth all the pain I went through.
Maybe things will go differently with your man. You have a child, after all, but sweetie you are stronger than you realise and there are other people out there who would love to be with you and cherish you like you deserve. Hold on to that and never forget it. Right now of course you are feeling low, anyone would. As much as you can, pamper yourself, do the things you love as much as you can (and find new things you love, painting, music, meeting other young mums). Get out as much as you can with your little one, make new friends as much as you can, do sport, enjoy yourself. Sorry but he is behaving so badly and as much as you love him, work every day to realise he does not know a good thing when he sees it. If I were you I would actively start looking for someone new in your life. Not to get at him, but just because that will make you realise that you do have choices. Get on the web, do a few dating sites... even if just for a little fun... see how that makes HIM feel...
Take care and good luck. Honestly, it is only a couple of years down the line that I realise what a favour my ex did me by finally going and setting me free... you are so young sweetie, you have a whole life ahead of you....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just cant understand how he can go from being so in love with me and willing to marry me one minute then the next this is happening!
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