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female
age
41-50,
*orr
writes: Need some urgent advice. Just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has not been cheating on me as he's led me to believe. Whilst confronting him about a woman he has been conversing with on myspace, he finally confesses via email that this woman is a friend that he has known for 12 years, and that he is her child's god-father.He has never ever mentioned her to me whatsoever and he even admitted that he sees her every 4 months or so to catch up.I feel confused and hurt, and do not understand why he would keep this from me. Please can anyone reading this, give me some brutally honest advice, on what to do next!!!Would anyone think this still constitutes as cheating?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Good luck, dear and I wish you well. You sound like a strong woman, who knows that loving a man who does this-is not what you want now and in your future. Learn from this life experience and get out there and surround yourself with awesome, quality relationships that support and encourage you to always be your best. And hold out for the one person who honors, respects and is devoted to you.
A
female
reader, lorr +, writes (19 December 2006):
lorr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the honest advice you have given. This is not the first time that he has hidden stuff from me. I left him a text message, saying that we need to talk. Deep down I cannot be in a relationship like this, and I will be dumping him.I don't believe he had any respect for me when he kept this secret to himself, and its making me question the whole relationship.He has said to me that he has a hard time in relationships with women,as they end up cheating on him, but I can see why as he is a very passive and secretive person, and it makes me wonder whether his ex-partners have tried their hardest to acommodate him in all aspects of their lives and they just got fed up, and did what they did(which I don't agree with by the way). All I can do is wish him the best for the future, and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): I just have to say that there may be no sexual intmacy but intamacy does not only mean sex. I agree with Irish that he has made certain to choose to hide this relationship and that in itself is a big POINT THE FINGER at HIM.
He's a bit of a twit but you love him so...
Agreed on the talk and do get some counselling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): Firstly, stop the confusion. That's allowing yourself to get needy when you have to be strong. Confusion and painful feelings weaken a woman's resolve, especially when she has a right to ask him ..'what the heck is going on?" Secondly, in my books, what constitutes "cheating' is when you know, without a doubt, they are having a physical, sexual, and a deeply emotional relationship, without your knowledge. And that is focusing his attention and emotions on her and taking that, away from you. Being just cross- gender friends is not cheating, but because he has not brought her into your life as a mutual friend and introduced you to her-I feel his motivation for being friends with her is highly suspicious. The reason I say this, is because he's not allowing you to know about her, It could be because he may be viewing this friendship in more of a potentially sexual way.
Ask him if you can meet her. He should have respect for your feelings, in order for you to continue building the trust. And the best way for him to help you understand is to get you involved and making a point, of having you both meet, socialize and spend time together. When one truely loves another they will keep themselves out of situations that might compromise that love. Dear, it's now time for you both to sit down and 'calmly, maturely, rationally' have a big talk about how his behaviours are affecting your relationship. Tell him, you want to share his life and be her friend, as well. Watch for his response. If he has nothing to hide, he will agree, wholeheartedly. If he gets edgy and acts cool about your suggestion-then you have a problem. I always tell women, please discern another's actions.behaviours and not their words. If it turns out this is more than a friendship, you will have assess this relationship and make a decision on what you want to do. I will not tell you to leave him because many couples do get through these troubling times and can go on and lead a happy life together. And others can't do that..the trust is shattered and that's tough for some toto go beyond that. Either way, I understand it's a tough situation to be in. Prepare yourself emotionally, talk to him and stay strong Do what's best for you. Take care and all the best, dear. xxoo
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): Well you are the GF and what do you consider it? IT matters what you think and feel about it and then you need to decide if you are going to lay down some ground rules.
The fact that he felt the need to hide/conceal which is lying and being dishonest as OMITTING details and facts only makes him a liar. So that is the true reason why you are upset and not necessarily that he is a God Father.
That he felt the need to conceal has not put his integrity in question.
Of course you won't trust him now and of course you have doubts.
I am sure had he known this would have been an outcome; he would have choose to tell you all. But he was short sighted and it's the reasons why he choose to not tell you that need to be sorted out.
Please go seek a couple's counsellor who can better guide the two of you on this touchy subject.
Get it all out, deal with it and move on...together.
No one likes to be excluded and no one likes to be lied to.
Best of wishes Sweetie.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): I would call this bloody sly! Why didn't he tell you about this. If he can keep things like this from you then what else is he hiding? I wouldn't be too chuffed about any of this but i like to know everything. I tell people everything, i'm open and honest and therefore i expect the same back from my bloke and my nearest and dearest friends. You need to have a chat with him about this and let him know that you are not happy about finding out this and ask him to keep you informed in the future. Or you will wonder what is going on. Talk.
Take care and Merry Christmas
xx
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