A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. Previous to my relationship with him, I had been in another relationship and that boyfriend took advantage of me and pretty much "hit it and quit it" just once and took my v-card. After that we broke up. Later I met the guy I am currently with and he's a virgin. I want to wait until I'm married too now but not because of him. Even before I was with my ex I wanted to wait but ex talked me into doing it. He has a hard time forgiving my past and he uses it against me all of the time even though I was taken advantage of and if i could I wouldn't have let it happen. I almost wish i would have said I was a virgin because it was not how i wanted my first experience to happen and i really want him to forgive my past so we can move on. How can i help him accept this?
View related questions:
broke up, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): I think you should end it;
Your expectations of each other and the relationship are incompatible, and quite frankly unfair.
And as the others said 'taken advantage of' does not apply simply for being 'talked into' having sex, nor looking back on it and thinking it's 'not ideal'.
I will go easy on you, but you DO need to take responsibility for your own actions rather than blame others and lie about them about it.
It comes down to this; either your current BF still wants to wait till marriage and simply can't accept you as you are (thus you need to leave him)- or he does not want to wait anymore, but is being held- unfairly- to a higher standard than you hold yourself (or your other partner)- and is resenting that. In that case, it's up to you to decide to either:
1- drop the 'wait till marriage' standard, as you are not a virgin anymore-
2- or to keep your standards- and break up with him.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2012):
 "he uses it against me all of the time"
At a certain point, he either decides he is with you, warts and all, or he doesn't. He accepts you with your "past," though having one longterm boyfriend who then dumps you isn't exactly a checkered past to most people, or he decides he cannot live with it. He doesn't get to verbally abuse you every time he feels badly about your "past."
You can't change your past, you can't change the choices you made. You may have picked an idiot the first time around, but I have to say it sounds a bit as though you've found a borderline abuser this time. You are perfectly entitled to decide to wait until marriage for sex. However, oral sex and manual sex do count as sex, so doing those things may send a mixed message to the new guy.
He doesn't have to like your past, he doesn't have to feel good about it, but he isn't entitled to use it against you all the time. It is what it is. You had sex with a longterm boyfriend. You didn't decide to do that because you knew the next guy would come along and be better. You decided to do it because you thought it was a lasting relationship.
Personally, I think this guy you are with needs to find a way to cope with it. I would tell him that if he brings up your "past" in such a way as to try to hurt you or make you feel controlled or diminished or as a punishment for something else that's going on between you, if he brings it up one more time, you will break up with him.
I would tell him this as calmly and lovingly as you can, but you simply cannot tolerate his abuse any longer and he will have to make the decision to get help if he can't stop bringing it up.
Me, in your case? I'd have broken up with him already. Life is too short to spend any time winding up in an abusive relationship which will diminish your self-esteem and damage your chances of a mutually respectful, loving relationship in the future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Male anon hit the nail on the head OP. How can you not see it your boyfriends way? You gave one of the most special parts of you and a gift your boyfriend would love to have to an absolute douche. Mistake or not that guy got to have something your boyfriend probably never will from you because the likelihood of him being the guy you're going to marry is quite low. Look, to your boyfriend he feels he's either being punished for what this other guy did, he's not as good as this guy because he got to have all of you and he can't or you loved your ex more because he was able to talk you into it and even after a year being with this guy you have no intentions of sleeping with him.
I'm not saying those feelings are right, fair or otherwise but you have to understand them. Quite frankly it's a normal response OP. A lot of guys would feel the same and most of those wouldn't still be around after a year. It's just hard to take that person you're with wants to save herself for marriage with you and has already had sex with other people. It's hard to not think that you're not good enough and certainly not as good as her ex because he was able to get that special prize of having sex with you. For a virgin guy sex is still this holy and magical thing in his mind.
All I can say to you though is to stick to your convictions, you don't want sex before marriage so don't have sex before marriage, he'll just have to be satisfied with oral and manual until then. One thing though OP, drop the taken advantage of you stuff being talked into it is not being taken advantage of. Stop trying to cover your mistake by blaming your ex, you consented, it may not have been what you wanted but you actively and willingly took part. Just because you were used and then thrown away doesn't mean it wasn't your own decision. It makes it sound like an excuse.
If it was a mistake fine, if you regret it fine but saying you've been taken advantage of makes it sound like you blame your ex. It makes it sound like he was able to talk you into it but your boyfriend is not man enough to talk you into it.
Try to understand your boyfriends feelings but don't let him continue to use it against you. Next time he mentions it just tell him you know you made a mistake, you know you made a bad choice but he can't continue to punish you for it, it's not fair for him to punish you for it and you simply cannot allow him to keep punishing you for something you can't change. Then just tell him all the ways you love him, all the ways he's better than your ex and you're hoping that someday he will be your real first, the special first, your first time making love, the one done out of love and a 100% willingness to be with, that it's not about not wanting sex with him but you want that sex to be sacred and for you the first time doesn't count because it was a horrible memory for you and you regret it profoundly.
If he can't let it go after you tell him all that then you may have to find a guy that isn't going to spend the entire relationship punishing you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): If you've only been together a year and he's using something you cannot change, or that was anything to do with him, against you then that isn't the sort of relationship I would want to be in.
If I were you and he brought it up again I would tell him straight, " Look, you were not in my life when this happened so you cannot hold against me the fact I lost my virginity. I can see now it was a stupid mistake but at the time I thought it was what I wanted. Now I have you and you either drop this, because I told you about it from the start of our relationship and I cannot change it, or you go and find someone who matches your ideal. I want this relationship and I want to be with you and it would be a lot easier if you didn't hang my mistakes over my head continuously."
On a side note don't let a bad decision in the past stop you from enjoying a sexual relationship. It's ok to wait until marriage but it is also ok to enjoy sex with a partner you love and care for outside of marriage and with someone who loves you it is much, much better than some guy who doesn't. But if you did decide to sleep together before marriage you should wait until he's stopped being an idiot about your past. Good luck x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): I don't understand quite how you got taken advantage of. Either you were raped or you consented. Getting talked into something and then regretting it is not being taken advantage of, it is you making a bad choice.
The reason that I point this out is because your BF probably feels like it was your decision and that makes him feel second best now. The other guy treated you like crap and you responded by giving him your virginity. Your BF treated you well and you responded by making him wait until he marries you. What normal virgin guy wouldn't feel second best in his shoes now?
...............................
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 If he knows all the facts and still holds your previous relationship against you, I don't think he's compassionate or understanding. Not the sort of man one would want to spend one's whole life with. What matters is what's between your ears, not what is (or isn't) between your legs. I think you deserve better.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 People can understand things if they are explained to them. But sometimes they suspect that they are being lied to. Without any basis whatsoever other than my gut, I have the feeling that this guy thinks that you slept with the other guy but won't sleep with him, and that makes him angry.
Either that, of he won't get over the fact that he didn't get there first. If that were the case, I would say something like "This is me. Take me or leave me".
...............................
|
