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He can't deal with the fact I know he's gay, I wish I never said it, what do I do?

Tagged as: Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I've been answering questions on this site for some time now. I always do it annonymously, maybe I should set up and account, we'll see. Well, now I'm going to ask for some advice.

There is this guy who used to work for me, he's only 25, but we still had a lot in common to talk about. I still work for the same company, I'm just running a different department, same building, same floor, different wing. He pursued a friendship with me, and we have been friends for almost 2 years now. We talk a lot, and hang out about every 2-3 weeks. Sometimes just for lunch or dinner, sometimes we go out and drink and shoot pool and he crashes at my house, or I crash at his condo (I helped him negotiate that deal when he was buying it).

I know he's gay, and I'm straight, married with 3 kids. He knows I'm straight, he's been to my house at least 30-40 times and met my wife and kids. He's never shown any outward signs of being gay, in fact he's still FIRMLY in the closet. I just know he is. About 2 months ago we were out drinking and came back to my house to play air hockey and drink more beers, and I don't even know how it came up, but I joked that I knew he was gay and when was he coming out. You would have thought I told him I was going to kill him. I don't give a shit if he's gay, I even told him that. He asked how long I knew, and I said before we even became friends, it doesn't bother me at all.

Now in the past 2 months, he doesn't ever call me, ignores me at work, and won't return text messages. We haven't hung out at all in the past 2 months. Can I fix this friendship, or is it a dead issue since he can't deal with the fact I know he's gay. I'd never tell anyone, and I've tried to reassure him. I wish I never said it, but he is what he is, not my fault he's in the closet. What do I do? Do I have to write off this friendship?

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A male reader, MyDestiny United States +, writes (8 February 2009):

MyDestiny agony aunt No you should work it out with him..

hes just scared, and probly things you see him differently now..just show him that your gonna be there for him...and that you wont tell anyone and open the closet door for him-that's his choice to make

just show him that he could trust you, you guys have been good buds for two years and you clearly have n problem with him beying gay, soo just keep trying

gudd luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009):

what a shame your friendship might be over because you told your friend you knew he was one. I feel he either has a huge crush on you and felt safe having it from 'afar' or he's just too ashamed that you know his 'secret' either way give him some space maybe he'll realise that your friendship is worth having and contact you. If not then remember you did nothing wrong.

best of luck

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A female reader, Too Sensitive United States +, writes (6 February 2009):

He seems to be embarassed by it. He's avoiding you, so he's hiding from the fact. Maybe you could reassure him again that you will never discuss it with anyone else, that it does not affect your friendship with him, that you will keep it confidential unless he ever tells you otherwise. Send him a letter or an e-mail if you can't get to him any other way. Let him know how much you value the friendship, how much you miss his friendship.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2009):

He obviously has some deep deep issues with the fact he is gay. There will be a reason he's in the closet and it may be that although you are ok with him being gay, he may not be.

It's sad but you have to let him deal with the fact of his sexuality and then when he's done that he might be able to be your friend again.

Tell him that you are still his mate and if he ever wants to hang out or talk then let you know, but till then just leave him to it.

This isn't your fault, it's just one of those sad things.

Good Luck!! xx

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