A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my husband was in Afghanistan for 9 months. He just recently got back. Some ppl I know told him I had been cheating on him, which I didn't. He is so cold now, and just wants a divorce. We don't talk, he has changed so much. Should I just get a divorce, or try n make him understand? He wont listen to me....
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female
reader, KC12 +, writes (30 November 2013):
 One of my good friends went through something similar with her ex-fiance who was a Marine. Some so-called friends put a bug in his ear that she was cheating on him while he was in basic training (or something like that) and he believed them over her.
My friend did not cheat. And, when he broke off the engagement she was really confused.
Turns out that the rumors all started because some jealous girl in his circle of friends wanted him for herself,...and he believed that girl.
That could possibly be what's going on here...or it could be something deeper.
Your Husband could be suffering from PTSD, as Honeypie said.
He may have trust issues now, and be really disoriented as far as trust and your marriage. He hasn't re-adjusted. I also agree with WiseOwlE that counselling is needed.
I hope that you can convince him of the necessity of counselling, whether or not he wants to stay with you or not.
It sounds to me like PTSD or some other psychological issue, in addition to any trust issues...
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 November 2013):
Something I learned a long time ago is that people almost never say things like this when they're not true. The exception is if they're nuts. So, maybe your husband learned the same lesson and doesn't believe that they are nuts...
Honestly, from the little info you gave I think you did cheat. If you didn't then it should be relatively easy to disprove these people's claims since you'll have the truth on your side.
If you didn't them I'm sorry, it's just the vibe I get. In that case you should make an effort to disprove the claims of the other people. Who did you supposedly cheat with? Could it be that you were seen with a guy and they assumed you were cheating? Could your husband interview the guy to see if he's being honest?
If you did cheat you should admit it to him since he knows anyways. Honestly will go a long way towards fixing things. Tell him that you were very lonely and you really just wanted him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 November 2013):
 There must be more going on then what you put in here. Either HE has been cheating while deployed and put the blame on you because that is WAY easier for him to deal with or there are some serious viscous people on your circle of "friends". Or whomever it has been spreading rumors.
He might also be dealing with some PTSD and is pushing you away by using the accusation. It's really hard to say.
Fighting for a marriage can be hard, specially of one party has already decided it's over.
I have to ask WHAT do you want to do? Why are you just "taking it"?
If your husband is AD Army - go talk to the Chaplain maybe he can mediate, also contact Family Advocacy/JAG to find out what you are entitled to.
If you share a cell phone plan I would honestly have a itemized bill, that way you can see if HE has been doing things he shouldn't. And you CAN show him who you have been in contact with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): I think you should seek the family/marriage counseling that is available to returning soldiers and their families. It takes soldiers time to readjust to society. He spent the last nine months preserving his life and limb, and those of his buddies. Yes, he has changed. He has been through hell, and he may never seem the same as he ever was. He may have more than your fidelity behind his reasoning for a divorce. He just may not have the ability to deal with any kind of relationship right now. This may be an excuse he just came up with.I don't understand why "people" (assuming more than one source, one being too many) would tell a soldier returning from battle that his wife cheated? Where is his evidence?Just what he was told? That's weird. It must be "people" he trusts a lot more than you.How could anyone have the conscience to do that to either of you? Apparently you have enemies. That is the only reason someone would do such a thing. The counseling will not return your marriage back to what it used to be. Your husband is a very changed man. He's seen a lot, and had to navigate his life through hell. Now he isn't sure of what he came home to. He may not want to subject you to the man he has become. You may be too much to deal with as a person. We all have our faults.He may have some post traumatic stress that also includes paranoia. Even if he only sat behind a desk; it was a life-threatening ordeal until he was out of there. Tons of steel and concrete can't always protect you from missiles, suicide bombers, land mines, and improvised explosive devices (IED's). Seeing a body ripped by bullets, or blown apart, will be indelible in your memory for the rest of your life.If he was there only a week, that's too long.I speculate that he has his own suspicions; and may not be truthful about hearing it from other people. Your marriage apparently wasn't that solid before he left, or he wouldn't be so trusting in what other people say over your innocence.If he refuses the counseling, you're better off to give him the divorce. If he believes what other people say, you're wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 November 2013):
 If he won't go to counseling with you and is believing other people over you, then what can you do except get a good lawyer and make sure your rights are upheld?
I wonder if he's lying, and it's him who has cheated, or if something happened to him abroad and he's deflecting onto this cheating thing.
You say you didn't cheat? Then you didn't cheat! If he blew up this marriage on something so flimsy, then he has to live with it for the rest of his life. You have your integrity. My question is - who are these people talking, and why haven't you gone to THEM and confronted them as to why they are lying to him? Are you sure these people actually talked to him?
If you did't cheat, get to the bottom of why he's being told this. Even if the marriage breaks up, you'll need to know why. There's another post on here dealing with someone telling the guy that his girlfriend is cheating when she isn't. It's looking like the guy talking wants to break up the marriage so that he can get a shot at her.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (29 November 2013):
If you do divorce take him to the cleaners.Why would these people start a false rumour?this is so nasty and he believes them totally.Where's the proof?You'r husband is a jerk,maybe he's the one whose cheating and wants rid of you.Get some legal advice.Someone somewhere has it in for you.
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