A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:My boyfriend stayed the night at my house last night, and when we got up to leave at the same time this morning--he was going to law school, I was going to work--my car wouldn't start. He acted like it was a huge burden to help me and spent all of 30 seconds trying to jump my car and then said he didn't have time to anymore. So I was angry and told him fine to leave me here and not worry about me making it to work. So I called my dad (who we both know is unreliable) and he said he would come help me (but who knows if he will or not) and so my boyfriend was like "great superman is coming to help you" and slammed the door and left. Also, last week he asked my opinion about whether or not he should adopt a dog from the pound. I told him no way because he doesn't have the time for it right now--he doesn't even have time for me hardly! But he adopted the dog anyways and after he realized he doesn't have time to take it out at his apartment with two flights of stairs and doesn't want to deal with his barking and messing in the house after he has been at school all day, he dumps him at my house! So, needless to say, I have been furious these past couple of days because I have to run home real quick when I have time to get away from work to let him out, and I have to deal with his barking etc. And my boyfriend says I never told him it was a bad idea to get the dog! So he had come to stay at my place last night to help me take care of the dog and we were both ill from having worked all day and having to deal with this dog and his bad behavior. It irks me how my boyfriend can be so selfish and expects me to help him so much and yet he can't help me! It hurts my feelings. We are both 23 and have dated 3 years. Is he just being young and immature and will outgrow this? Or does he not care about me and just think I'm not a priority? This all started last year when he started law school. I understand that it is a big commitment and all for him, but he acts like nothing matters more than his law school and the world should revolve around him making it to class on time and having perfect study space (i.e., me taking the dog at the drop of the hat if he needs me to)What would you do?? :/
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (15 February 2010):
 Looks like nothing happened over valentines. That could be the death knell for him. Looks like the bad old joke came true.
I got a dog for my boyfriend, pretty good trade, wasn't it.
Sad to see it end but we got a good discussion of the perils of law school out of it. Thanks for sharing.
FA
A
female
reader, StarburstGrin +, writes (12 February 2010):
StarburstGrin is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well yea, if he is still even my boyfriend! I haven't heard from
him since! He hasn't even checked on the dog that he adopted! What do I think/do? :'(
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): I posted a little earlier. And yes, I really am a lawyer and what I am telling you is true. There is a reason people hate lawyers.
Now, if I wanted,I could give you the best defense of the legal profession, lawyers and the bar. I could go into the stresses of law school, the high ethical standards of the profession, the passion for justice, service to the client etc...
But I, as a favor to this woman, am trying to tell you the truth. Yes, there are stand up lawyers, good people, good family men etc..
However, what I am focusing on here is the damage law school does to a person that cannot be undone. My significant other at the time I entered law school said, at the time we were breaking up "everything after law school changed". I dumped him, acted superior and moved on. Why, because he was not going to law school. I do not regret my decision.
I am telling you. There is a permanent change in your moral outlook after law school. Why? Because being a lawyer is a way of thinking. What is that way of thinking? It is amoral thinking, ie: you will make your argument based on what side you are on, not what side you should be on. There is no loyalty to right and wrong.
Now, don't get me wrong. This suits me just fine. I enjoy winning for winning's sake. But I also recognize that it is all about the ego and not a passion for justice.
In addition, the poor client often gets fleeced for the work, which often times lawyers are very dishonest about.
Since we suffered so much in law school, we believe we can charge huge amounts per hour when we really only did 10 minutes of work in that hour anyway.
So, basically, she is up against an entire machine that her boyfriend is getting sucked into. However, if her boyfriend does not turn into a killer, he won't make it either. He needs to be tough and focus.
Really, two things to you- keep him grounded, but make sure he stays competitive as well. Everyone is trying to be the best and there are only a room for few.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Eh, I don't know if I believe the anon poster is a lawyer or a lawyer hater.
I happen to know two very moral attorneys that have integrity and are kind, not arrogant, but they are self confident and tough, they have to be in court....they do learn how to argue though, so don't expect to Win with an attorney for a spouse.
You are his girlfriend, you don't have to sit and patiently wait for him to call you. I think you are being a little dramatic by saying that he "left you without any way to get to work". Maybe I am not sympathetic to you because before you were a couple you were a single self supporting individual and able to take full responsibility for getting yourself to work.
It really is not his responsibility to make sure you get there safely. Your car wouldn't start. Why not? Most cars start right up with proper maintenance and batteries that are within their expiration dates unless you live in subzero temperatures (and I am not talking about wind chill, that doesn't count). There are taxis, there are automobile clubs, tow trucks, neighbors to jump your car or whatever. If you waited until the last minute to start your car on a cold day and he had to leave to get to class, HOW is that his fault? I mean seriously, you really need to let this go and realize that just because you become a couple, it doesn't mean that all responsibility on your part goes out the window and he OWES it to you to take care of your every need.
If you couldn't get to work, call in sick, but call in late and get your own ride to work. It really is that simple.
I don't know your boyfriend, maybe he really is a self centered prick, but from the way I read your diatribe, I could see your "victim" attitude and a lack of acceptance.
I am sure that he is a challenge and that having him in law school is a challenge, but you have to communicate, if you are the one with hurt feelings, sit with yourself in silence for awhile and figure out what it is "specifically" that you need him to do to make you feel better about all of this change. Because you attacking him when he can't drop everything is never going to work, it just isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Well, I'm a lawyer. And I will tell you this much, we really believe we are so special because we got into law school. But most of us are good for nothing egoists and psychos, and we learned to be that way in law school. Trust me, few people get out of law school and being lawyers, without becoming total self centered amoral self loving pricks.
However, I also love being a lawyer and I love the status that comes along with it. But I also do my best to keep my integrity. Few people do.
Law school does something to you. Something really destructive to your person. It creates a certain amorality and egoism you cannot easily shake.
YOur job is to keep him real. Remind him what shit lawyers are. What sell outs they are. That he is going to become another rat racer. Keep him grounded if you can.
He probably looks down upon you now that he got into law school. Lawyers tend to do that.
I am sorry that you have to be around such arrogance. But that is the reality of lawyers. They are amoral scum for the most part.
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female
reader, StarburstGrin +, writes (12 February 2010):
StarburstGrin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for staying tuned in! :)
Yes, the dog is perfectly fine and happy with his toys and huge bed and doggy door (no more messes!) and my big yard and my love and hugs and exra hugs from being sad about my boyfriend. So no worries about him--haha, he is in dog heaven now!
I still haven't heard from my boyfriend since yesterday morning. Nothing about wanting to check and see if my car got fixed, nothing about seeing if the dog is ok--nothing. The last bit of communication was when I texted him as he was pulling out of my driveway: "wow. I can't believe you feel comfortable leaving me with no way to get to work" --and haven't heard anything back since.
This is making me really depressed and like any love he had for me suddenly doesn't exist anymore. Especially with Valentine's Day coming up this weekend--is he just going to not make ammends and not spend that day with his gf? It's like he doesn't care or have any concern at all--for me, for my feelings, or for the dog that he adopted.
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 I hope you work things out with your boyfriend.
And it's great to hear that you're going to keep the dog, I really commend you for that :) it shows you have a lot of compassion.
All the best
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 February 2010):
I think that my feelings about dogs are pretty strong. I grew up with some good dogs. Our first dog was a fine fellow too. But they have a lot of needs and the decision to get a dog needs to be well thought out.
My cousins husband went to law school in the middle of raising his family. I have some distance from them but it didn't seem to absorb him, at least after he started his practice. They lived even further away when he was in school. Of course we both live in country areas. Life is a bit slower here. He seems to have a very healthy relationship with his children.
Anyway we were considering a dog and looking into breeds, when this whole thing started. We decided that we won't have a dog as long as we live in town. I have a cat and don't need a lap dog. Large dogs don't do well with out some space.
I'm glad you have made accommodations for the dog. Even if you did acquire him involuntarily.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Having a dog is a 10 to 18 year commitment. If you both don't see yourselves making this commitment to the dog, or your boyfriend doesn't see that he is making a long term deal with the dog to see it to the end of it's life...then I suggest you find the dog a good home, don't dump it or drop it off at the pound or shelter where it will have days to live....you took him on, you owe him that, a home whether with you or without you.
I don't want to seem like I care more about the dog than I do you two and your problems, but I see that this dog IS the big issue right now that needs to be worked out, and I just wanted to offer my knowledge in that area.
Animals are entirely dependent on us for their care and they are pack animals, not children with fur, and they need training to fit into the pack, they are dogs, they have to be trained with repetition, consistency and reward, not punishment.
Get some books, or sign up for dog training classes and enjoy your new dog!
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female
reader, StarburstGrin +, writes (11 February 2010):
StarburstGrin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone!! I really appreciate and needed to hear advice from a third party--I've decided to keep the poor dog because there is no use in putting him through living between two houses--it isn't his fault. I put in a dog door so I can stay at work all day. I still haven't heard from my boyfriend since he left this morning although we usually text during the day and see each other at night.
I hope he comes forward first because I did first after our last fight a while ago...:/ (especially with Valentine's Day coming up! haha)
Honestly, my feelings are still really hurt that he hasn't made an effort to see if everything turned out ok this morning since he left.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): continued....
eliminate outside. Having a pet may really help relax your boyfriend from the stresses of law school and would be a fun thing for you to do together, taking it on walks, playing fetch. If you simply are going to resent the dog and the attention it takes away from you, then I think you need to go find a caretaker for you instead of a boyfriend or a dog.
In short, your attitude is the problem, change it and see if your boyfriend's behavior doesn't improve. You also have to learn to ask for what you want, and if he sucks at planning, then take on that task yourself, asking to see his datebook and plan some fun outings that you can both look forward to, instead of bickering about not having enough time.
I mean, this is change, your boyfriend has less time for you, people don't like change, but why put the blame entirely on your boyfriend, when much of the problem is your resistance to change..
Also, he will be extremely busy as a practicing attorney, unless you enjoy your own life, are you sure you have a future being happy with a lawyer as a husband?
I hope you take my advice on board, and relax and start to think and find solutions instead of being all emotional, resentful and hurt and angry....it's fine to feel those things, but work on finding a solution instead of punishing the boyfriend and the dog....OK?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Personally, I think you are both behaving immaturely, and you are on an agenda to prove yourself "right" and your boyfriend wrong so you can get your own way.
I am not disagreeing with you that his behavior has been less than stellar, but that said, I think the crux of the problem is you both are failing to work together as a team, and you are simply in a power struggle like a couple of tots. This does not predict a happy outcome unless you and your boyfriend can sit down and give some attention to your relationship and talk like adults and find some "solutions" to your problems.
First off, the not helping you with your car which would make him late to law school....I don't think this means that he values law school more than he does you, what I think it means is he expects you to understand that if he is late to class he can get kicked out of law school which he worked very hard to get into. The fact that you were irritated and sarcastic with him at that moment is the reason he got defensive and called your Dad superman, what he was saying indirectly is that he feels that you don't think he is man enough to take care of you and make you happy.
Now the dog. I am sorry to hear that you both must be novice dog owners. I don't think the solution is to give the dog back. Here again, I think you need to work together as team. Ever plan on having children together? Having a dog is a whole lot easier than having a couple of those carpet crawlers around, and good practice for taking care of anything other than yourself.
A dog needs training and bonding with other animals and people, epecially when it is young or new to your family.
Moving it around from place to place isn't going to help.
I don't know how old this pup is, but if it is a puppy that is old enough to learn to hold it's bladder for several hours, then the best way to housebreak a dog is to use a crate, one that is just big enough for the dog's bed and a water bowl and food bowl. Now you keep the dog locked in the crate while you are gone, and depending on the age of the dog, come back within in reasonable hours so that it can be let out to relieve itself. A dog instinctively will not soil it's nest. The dog also should be locked in his crate at night, this becomes a safe place for the dog to sleep, and go to on it's own if the door is left open.
Once the dog is truly housebroken and stops having any accidents in the house, then you should no longer use the crate as a holding pen when you are gone during the day at school or at work, this is cruel to the dog after it is old enough to behave and eliminate
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): I am also in law school, so I think I should give an opinion here. There is no question about it, law school is tough. Honestly, it makes my undergraduate work look like a piece of cake. Law school is competitive; the better someone else does, the worse you do, the better you do, the worse everyone else does. Between the constant reading and writing, there is little time for anything else if you truly want to be at the top of your class. However, with that in mind, it is important to have balance to one's life, and perhaps this is simply something he has not yet come to realize. I also have a girlfriend. At first I do not believe she understood how hard law school is, what it requires. We both graduated last year and she has a job teaching. I am often insulted by others because I chose to continue school while they chose to continue work. Well, what I am doing is work, it is probably more work than most of them are doing. Even worse, my work does not end at 5:00 PM. Rather, the days I put in are more like 16 hours. Presuming you actually understand the stress he is going through, tell him that you understand, but that you still need some love from him to make this relationship work. However, you should also realize that he is under a great deal of pressure with various time constraints. Good luck.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (10 February 2010):
Law school is very competitive and stressful. At least it is in John Grisham novels. Some changes in his personality are to be expected. He needs to learn to deal with that and still maintain real life relations. I would say you can be patient for a while. Sounds like you are already past that and into the being walked on stage. He needs a wake up call.
Now the dog. I have experience in this one. My Daughters boyfriend (now ex) was given a dog for his birthday about a month after they lost their apartment and moved in with his mom. You would think that this would have upset her. Actually she was the one who gave him the dog. Later they moved into my house. One of their friends gave them a puppy.
I was spitting nails. These kids can't keep a roof over their own heads, so give them a helpless puppy to care for. Months later they break up. And she keeps his dog. Almost the position you are in. Finally I convinced her to give away both dogs. Replaced all the carpet in my house.
My advice is that it is time to lay down some tough love. First you are not his dog sitter. He pays you, or the dog is out. Sooner the better. Next he treats you like he loves you or he stops sleeping over, dating, wherever you decide to draw the line. The kindest thing you could do for him is to help him take the dog back. He probably signed a contract and may have to pay a fee. Getting that stress out of his life is obviously the first priority.
Then decide if you really want to be married to a lawyer.
FA
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female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (10 February 2010):
Yes, he is very selfish and a tad immature. Why do you put up with this boy? Yes, boy...this is not a man.
I was in law school for four years and I didn't act like this. Law school has nothing to do with his behaviour. Maybe is he stressed because he has more study to do but it's no reason to take out his frustrations on you. He needs to deal with it like an adult.
You say you've been with him 3 years, you obviously see a future there to have stayed with him so long. You however need to think about if he can handle adult life. You don't want to marry the guy, get pregnant and then have him dump the whole lot on you because he can't deal with it.
Working as a lawyer is much more demanding than being in law school. If he can't handle his responsibilities now, how is he going to cope later in life? You need a supporting partner, not someone who sucks the life out of you.
You need to think about yourself and what you want and need. You need to sit him down and talk to him calmly. Tell him that you can't deal with his immaturity and lack of responsibility. He'll probably try and get you to feel guilty about speaking up but don't give up. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't seem like you are at the moment.
He needs to stop and smell the roses. He needs to realize that he's been behaving innapropriately. It's your job to raise the issue. It's also up to you if you want to continue being treated like this. You have the choice and the power to make the changes you need to make you happy.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 February 2010):
It is clear that his priority is law school, and that you are less. He might grow out of it. But then again he might not. The truth is, you're just not important enough to him. So why waste anymore time?
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