A
female
age
36-40,
*eft behind
writes:I am very upset and conflicted as to what to do and I need some advice and was hoping you could help.Yesterday my boyfriend left for a year of travelling around the world after completing his degree. We have been dating for a year and it has been amazing, we have such a great connection, communicate well, and have the same interests and values, our families and friends get on very well. He is wonderful, mature, honest, intelligent, funny, sexy, I feel happy and loved around him (except recently as you will see) and I really feel that he is ‘the one’. It is the best relationship either of us has had and it is the only long term relationship he has had (he is a year younger, we are 25 and 24).His leaving has been a source of escalating conflict over the past few weeks. He had always planned to go since before we met and told me this at the beginning. Originally the plan was for us to go together, but for the last few months I have found it difficult to find (well-paying, stimulating) work, and thus have not been able to save anything. Another problem arising from this is my lacking direction and focus in my life, which I know has made me less attractive. So, he made the decision to go by himself after I had not worked for awhile. The plan for me is to try as hard as I can to work, doing anything I can - previously I think I have been too picky in my choice of jobs - to save up some cash and meet him in Europe in 7-10 months.The problem is this: as the date for his departure approached he began acting slightly more distant, still wonderful, but not as attentive, loving and caring as he had been previously; and I guess as that has happened I have been increasingly clingy, which has probably exacerbated his distance. I know that instead of doing this I should have focused more on me and leaned back, but it was so difficult with the prospect of his going away for such a long time looming ever closer, I just wanted to spend every minute I could with him. Sometimes (stupidly, I know) I would get upset with him when I offered help and he said he needed to do something alone. We both still miss each other terribly when we are apart (as he has told me), and I know and have been saying that it will be much harder for me as the one left behind as he is busy meeting up with friends around the world and having exciting times traveling while I am left with a much grayer, boring existence. When I tell him this, he hasn’t seemed to be able to give me the reassurance, love and care that I have needed when I express those feelings and am feeling insecure. I know that it will be a good opportunity to grow and develop ourselves individually, but I wanted to be secure in his love for me in order to feel good doing that. Also, I would rather grow together, not apart.Originally we had said that we will be faithful and not sleep with anyone else while we are apart, but the day before he left he said that he didn’t want me to be the last person he ever slept with, and wants more experience because I am the only real long-term relationship he has ever had, and basically he wants to be free to sleep with other people if the situation arises. I got very upset about this. On reflection maybe it’s not all bad as “last person he ever slept with” kind of implies that he is thinking about us long term. However I am still very upset as I think that if he really loved me he wouldn’t even consider it - I know I have absolutely no desire to see or sleep with anyone else. I really don’t want him to cheat on me, but I do want him to be happy and feel free, and I am really not sure what to do. I am considering writing him two, very different emails and I am really not sure what the best reaction would be to strenghten our relationship while sticking up for myself and my feelings and desires.Here is the first one, my initial reaction - I know it is too strong and angry but it is what I felt:“You’re either in a relationship or you’re not, it’s not a separate idea to marriage as you said you thought, marriage is just a way of formalising an already solid relationship. Once a breach of trust like that occurs it is very hard to get back. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Well know this: I will NOT put up with you cheating on me or lying to me about it. You can’t expect me to keep in contact with you, to wait for you or to meet you in Europe or to even be here for you when you get back if you have that attitude and those actions. You have to face the consequences of your choices.”and the second:“While I am shocked and deeply disappointed with your desire to sleep with other people, and as I said feel that if you really loved me you wouldn’t even consider it, I hope that you will at least have the repect, honesty, and integrity for me and for the girl to tell her about me before anything happens so she can make an informed choice; and to tell me about it afterwards for the sake of honest and open communication in our relationship. I will do the same and we will deal with the consequences of it if and when it occurs; although I can’t promise that afterwards I will still want to come to Europe or to be here for you when you get back.”The second is definitely more measured and mature, but I feel it is compromising my morals a little in even allowing him to cheat even though I don’t guarantee the consequences. Maybe there is a combination of the two or even something else I could say or a different attitude I should take?I feel angry at him for leaving me when we have such a good thing together, and for pulling away towards the end, although we didn’t actually break up, and he still loves me. I feel terrified about the prospect of spending so much time without him and missing him so much. I feel sad that our last days together were filled with conflict and apprehensive since I think it will be very difficult to resolve our issues while we are so far apart. I’m also, of course, terrified that he will actually find some beautiful, exotic, intelligent girl in his travels and start a relationship and want to break up with me.Your (and all you other lovely ladies) speedy reply and any guidance you could give would be greatly appreciated!!Yours thankfully,Zoe
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): Yeah the relationship is not gonna work if both parties are not on the same page (ex. he wants to date and you want to settle down)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Hi Zoe,
Your situation is so similar to one that I was in a few years ago.
Briefly; I was with my ex for just over a year and we moved in together straight away (after meeting in a backpackers). We met when he had literally just began his traveling, he had just arrived in my home country from his. I was traveling my home country hence why I was in a backpackers.
Anyway, I fell madly in love with him and i thought he did me. There was always a niggling in the back of my mind though that he would leave me to continue his traveling as he had barely done any when he met me. He reassured me that if he did continue his traveling it would be with me & he talked about our future together a lot.
Anyway, after a over a year of dating he declared to me he had decided to continue traveling with his best mate (who had recently arrived from their home country) and he wanted to break up with me. I couldn't understand why there was a need to break up either as I too thought- if he loves me then he can do his traveling and we can be together again afterwards. This wasn't to be anyway. He told me since I was his first serious relationship he wanted to be free to date or do anything with anyone he pleased. This hurt A LOT! We broke up, I moved out and to the other side of the country. I said some nasty things to him when we broke up which now regret but it was how i felt at the time. Anyway, the point is: 4 years after we broke up my ex has got back in touch with me (as I had felt i couldn't keep in touch with him while i was still trying to mend my heart and he was off doing goodness knows what. I am now happily in another relationship of nearly 3 years and am totally over my ex!! I never thought id see the day but seriously, now- I think of that man I once loved and feel nothing more for him than a friendship. We now giggle over all the good times we had together (he even flirts with me!! he is single) and I still reflect and feel sad about what he chucked away. But also grateful that he gave me an opportunity to meet someone MORE wonderful than him and to fall in love again. It wasn't easy getting over him and moving on though Zoe. I got depression when we split up as I was dwelling on him. So I threw myself into church for about 3-4 months that helped. Was nice god was the only decent bloke I could rely on. I also enrolled on a college corse whilst working hard to distract myself and made loads of new friends. Then went off the rails and got with a few frogs (men lol) before I found this man im currently with. All in just over a year!!
My strong advice to you Zoe after reading your deep message is to let him go. Don't keep in touch with him if you don't feel you could be happy for him and not jealous or angry. Use this as an opportunity to discover who you are! To be who you want to be and achieve the things you want. If you have no direction in your life enroll in a college course doing something you enjoy and spend lots of time with friends. In time, you WILL get over him. Its hard but you will be a stronger person for it, just whatever you do- don't compromise your dignity and self esteem for this guy. It's not worth it. When he gets back from traveling he may want to re-kindle your relationship- but you know what? I doubt you will as I am sure you would have let go a long time ago. For someone returning from traveling its as if things have never changed, as if home life has stayed still but of course thats not the case.
Anyway, good luck to you!! you can do it.
Samantha.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): The second is terrible! You want him to tell you about it if it happens!??? What good will that do? It will just make you feel more insecure, angry etc. If you are okay for him to sleep with others while he is away you should let him know that but say you DON'T want to hear about it and you expect faithfulness when you meet up or he gets back.
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A
male
reader, enjoimx  +, writes (3 April 2009):
 You dont have a choice whether he cheats or not. You cant control him. There is no "allow" or not.
If you guys remained dating, how would you maintain this long distance relationship? Phone calls? Is that possible? It sounds like he already made a choice that really sucks for you.
He chose to leave the country, travel the world, and leave his options open for other girls. That sucks. It breaks your heart to know that, but thats what he chose. Thats not an acceptable option for you. Your acceptable option seems to be him leaving the country, and remaining committed to NOT CHEATING. Thats not a commitment he is willing to make.
You can let him go and tell him its ok if he wants to cheat, but you will live the next 10-12 months in constant agony and fear and self loathing. Be honest with yourself here. This guy is in the process of breaking your heart. That sucks. He might be over this relationship. You should tell him to be free, but that you are going to move on because you cant live in a "relationship" that does not exist, a "relationship" where one party is threatening infidelity.
Im sorry but this guy sounds like he is over it. Better to face reality than to live in agony over it and prolong the inevitable.
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