A
female
age
41-50,
*icktock
writes:I was in a terrible relationship which ended years ago. It was traumatic but I thought I had moved on.Since then I've dated lots of people. I've always said "yes" to any date just to spread my net wide and make sure I don't turn into a recluse but none of them have been right really. Last year I dated someone who was definitely unsuitable in every way. Too old, no proper job, no proper housing, drinks too much. I could go on. Now I've met someone who is really into me. He's kind, he's considerate, he's gentle, he's made it clear he wants a future and children with me (something I long for). And here's the problem.... he really irritates me. He has his problems but the trouble is that as forgiving as I was about Mr Unsuitable's character traits (I just loved him unconditionally) I can't get past my boyfriend's physical and emotional difficulties. It's turning into a massive thing. I can't understand why. I even look at him and think he's not as handsome / muscley / tall as the unsuitable ex.I've not introduced him to any family or friends and I keep him at arm's length but I've agreed to go on holiday with him.I'm truly ashamed of myself. I think I'm turning into a horrible bully.Do I subconsciously fear commitment? And now I've found someone who will commit and give me all I've hoped for I'm pushing him away? I'd really appreciate help please. I think I need a serious talking to... I need to walk away from the unsuitable ex, and make a commitment to this fella and treat him with kindness and integrity. What's stopping me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): I don't think you have commitment problems, you just didn't find thevright guy. I wouldn't waste my time on someone that irritates u, that will make your selection process faster
A
female
reader, ticktock +, writes (30 May 2012):
ticktock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's good janniepeg. Short and sweet and to the point. Not many healthy and suitable guys have found their way to me in the last few years and now that big biological clock is ticking. Waiting to find the 'right' one might mean I wait too long. I feel better that you say he's 'walking wounded'. Great expression. Now I don't feel so guilty. I'll keep dating him but until it gets serious I'll date others, too. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Oh, now you feel more guilt because he is already a depressed person. You don't have a problem with commitment. You have problems finding quality guys. He belongs to the walking wounded category. Surely there are healthier guys who can commit and are more suitable?
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A
female
reader, ticktock +, writes (30 May 2012):
ticktock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe physical difficulties he has had for several years but he's never come to terms with them. Every date we've been on I've heard the story yet again of how he got them. And of how his exes treated him so badly. He's on anti-depressants and sometimes he starts crying. He's too timid to ever suggest where to go... I have to arrange everything but he wants to spend a lot of time here. The thing I find hardest is he starts slurring his words and muttering. I can barely understand him because I'm hard of hearing but he never speaks up. Could it be when the tablets are running out he gets incoherent?
Thanks for answering. I don't want to write this guy off
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 May 2012):
No I don't think you have a problem with commitment. You have dated a lot of people by only these two stood out? It's not only physical difficulties but emotional ones too? I am curious what emotional difficulties are you talking about?
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