A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To start off- I'm 19 and a virgin and my boyfriend is 25 and not. We were talking last night about contraception and I told him that I've just started the pill perscription to be on the safe side but want to use a condom as well. He was a bit odd about to begin with (condoms allegedly make you less sensitive during sex) but told me he would use one when we ended up sleeping together. My concern is have I basically advertised 'I want sex asap' by bringing it up, but also is his reaction normal or something I should be weary of? I don't really want replies saying 'he is using you' or 'break up with him' unless it is constructive because I really care about him, but at the same time I want to know if I'm doing the right thing. Thanks.
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (31 January 2009):
 To my friend "deejuliet," it really DOES make a difference, although highly advisable with new or multiple lovers. Well, maybe if I had had condom experience earlier in life, it might be another story, but as we used to say, it's almost as effective as taking a shower in a plastic raincoat. Sorry, it's just the truth in my experience.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (30 January 2009):
 I think most guys who say they hate condoms are full of malarky. They dont like them mentally, but I doubt it really makes that big of a differance once they are inside of you. Condoms are really a must. They are the only thing that really protects you against disease and it is kind of a mental relief to see all those little 'boys' contained and then tossed. Personally my boyfriend and I, who have been sleeping together for 4 years, have used a condom each and every time! It is a good idea to be doubling up, as you are, by using the pill as well as condoms. It sounds to me like you two are very mature and responsible and like you have an excellant relationship with good communication. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much. I've been looking today at different types of condoms to get a better idea (just the Durex ones because they're the most popular) and will take your advice into your account. I actually went to the clinic yesterday and got a smear test, though for the STDs like HIV required a blood test and I backed out. I told my boyfriend this and he felt the same way as me, both of us have needle phobes. But I've started on the pill today and got a load of free condoms from the clinic, so in the meantime I'm feeling pretty secure about how things are going.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2009):
 Well you seem to be able to handle yourself quite well. For you to start on the pill I think is a smart thing. I don't think it screams SEX NOW! But it can send the signal that you are considering it.
As for the whole "I don't like condom's" - to be honest, I find it crap. There are so many types of condoms out there that gives both the partners more sensitivity and sensations during sex. It's about finding a type of condom that he won't really notice and still be safe.
Condoms can help keep an erection for a longer period so that is a big plus for many guys.
When YOU are ready you are ready. And standing your ground on issues like condoms or not is vital. Never do anything like that if it is not your wish. The condom part is not just about him and what STD's he might or might not have. It's about being as close to 100% SAFE during sex. ANY good boyfriend would want that.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, Mr. Sensitive  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 Well, since you've laid it out so clearly, let's continue in that vein.Getting to the sex part...I think you are very very smart to be open and honest about contraception. Remember - you are not promising anything, you are simply saying it's not off the cards at some point in the future. It's your body. You get to say no at any time, before or during sex. And it's not a no any guy worth anything at all would argue with. If they do, don't look back, just walk.I recommend that you be as clear and honest about the timing you want as you were about the contraception. Clarity doesn't break down any relationship worth having. You're the one who needs to be in the driver's seat, as you are the one with the most concerns about entering this next phase of your life (and it really is a big deal).It may or may not be something you are comfy with, but if you have such a thing in your area, I would very much consider requesting that your boyfriend visit a local anonymous clinic and get a test. It's easy, only embarrassing for a short time and hey, you're worth it. He's older, he gets to be the grown up about it. And then he knows for sure, right?The actual sex bit...(provided you find that's what you want)Do a bit of research. There are lots of good books. Jet pilots study for years before they are allowed to even touch a plane. Find out what has worked for others.Don't worry about killing the mood by talking about and getting your needs met. Not yet, touch me first, slower, faster, gentle please. Use your words. That's what they're there for. As long as he's even a little bit sensitive to your needs, you couldn't kill the mood with a bat.The Condom. There's really nothing wrong with being a little less sensitive, unless lasting too long is a worry. Most guys...not so much a problem. Consider using a condom safe, water-based lubricant. It makes it easier, safer (the condom is less likely to break) and more fun.And good luck!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (30 January 2009):
Well I think that you have certainly let your boyfriend know that sex is on the horizon. Whether or not that is the "right thing" is up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add to that: I asked my boyfriend if he'd used protection before- with his first girlfriend (20-22) she was on the pill and they did not use a condom, his other two girlfriends were short term and he used a condom with both. I beliee him when he says this because we have always been very open with each other in the time we have known each other. His line of defence was that he is pretty sure he hasn't got anything because both he and his girlfriend were virgins. Also, I think I made him come across as a bit macho/argumentative, he literally agreed within five minutes when I effectively lay out some ground rules. Hopefully that's painted a clearer picture.
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