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male
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anonymous
writes: Over a year ago roughly at the end of March I suddenly had a fairly strong bout of depression for no apparant reason what so ever. One night I felt very depressed and run down and I had never had anything like it before. On the night I suddenly started to feel this way, my girlfriend began to get extremely paranoid and began to put pressure on me asking me questions like 'If you are having doubts about the relationship can you tell me asap!' and really laying into me like this, yet I was not having doubts at all, as the days before and the 4 months we had been going out had been perfect and these 'Doubts' could not have come on over night all of a sudden. After this horrible night I was not in the mood for company so my parents took her home and she was very silent and grumpy with my parents and when she got home cried and cried for some apparant reason. Her mum started texting me asking me what was wrong and all I felt like was sleep. The thing that annoyed me the most was the fact that my girlfriend had been grumpy and really making me feel guilty and bad about my sudden depression despite the fun we had had and how keen I was with her since we had gone out in the december. I can understand it from her point of view but she didn't do her re-search and just ultimatly thought 'Hes not into me' and 'he wants to dump me' and over reacted a lot which made me well, feel worse. It was something much more serious than this as I felt like no company and felt like I didn't want to be around anyone or do anything and wanted to lie down and sleep.After a few days I settled down and the mood began to come back a bit however I still didn't feel like much affection etc. And I was still a bit hit by my girlfriends reaction and how much more worse she had made me felt that night. After a few weeks whenever in my girlfriends company I would just not be myself and be quite quiet and have little bouts of this horrible depression. I would sit there and just think 'My god there are people dying in hospitals, many people less fortunate than me and I'm feeling depressed over nothing'. But that was it, I couldn't do anything about it at all and had to wait for it to pass. However my girlfriend kept craving attention and I couldn't show it and begant o think to myself 'Do I love her?'. She kept getting slightly paranoid by this but sort of accepted it. It lasted all summer but sort of went away slightly and I had good days and bad days.Up until now I still find it hard to look at my girlfriend the same way and how I did before the depression and I really don't know why I can't. I cringe in her comapany a lot and she annoys me quite a bit. Yet I do love her and she looks after me and she is a great girlfriend to me and she thinks im a great girlfriend. But my parents say that this is how relationships go and you do get annoyed after a while as you get more comfortable with them however I cannot get over this scar from march and still have slightly negative thoughts about my relationship.Im just wondering whether she has changed the way I think and whenever Im stressed or tired or not in the mood for affection I ultimatly think of the time she was questioning me that night and think to myself 'Do I love my girlfriend?' 'Am I going off her?'.My girlfriend needs a lot of attention and if its not shown I think 'Hmmmm I'm going off her' because thats exactly what she thought in march? Do you understand? Yet its just the mood im in. I feel she has changed the way I think quite a lot?Thoughts will be appreciated very much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses! They have helped a lot. The past few days I have been a bit stressed over leaving college and not knowing what to do after college but I kinda feel better knowing I have a month or two to decide. I feel this was the cause of it this time and I think I once again related it to my relationship because pretty much its the only major thing in my life, I don't have close mates, lad mates I go out to the pub with etc I generally go out as a foursome with my couson and his girlfriend. I just find it hard sometimes to show loads and loads of affection to my girlfriend and I think to myself 'Do I LOVE her as much as she Loves me?' and I question this and it gets me down and brings me back to last year.I think I need to relax more and be myself a lot more...
A
female
reader, Missy C  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I am not quite sure that your girlfriend has changed the way you think, i think by her asking this question you have started to doubt yourself unknowingly. I think you need to sit down with your girlfriend and reasure her that you are not going of her and that she needs to stop thinking this. This may help put your mind at rest. AS to the depression part everyone get's it i often wake in he morning feeling depressed for no reason (i put that down to hormones most of the time) buti dont see no reason why men cant be the same. How is you social life and personal life (without being nosey) maybe there is something mising in your life that maybe you know or need to work out what it is. my best suggestion is to sit down with your girlfriend and talk to her and tell her how you feel and let her say how she came to ask you this question.
hope all goes well
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): First of all, you should see a physician in regards to these bouts of depression. We all have minimal moments of guilt over other people's misfortunes. We all have minimal moments of remorse for the way we behave at time, or the ungratefulness of our society in general; but what you've described sounds more serious, like you may need to talk with a psychologist about the root of what's causing your depression. Secondly, it may be time to step back and assess your relationship with this gal. She does not sound mature enough to really meet your needs if she's draining you, rather than replenishing you. She may not be "the one" and the sooner you face this and get out, the better you will feel. Take things one step at a time. Talk to a counselor about your depression, make sure you couldn't benefit from some therapy, or some medication and then once you feel "balanced" again, think about what this relationship is giving you, or taking from you and then decide if you want to continue it or not. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): I think you should try to find the reason why these “bouts of depression” come to be. Depression can make people lack desire, ambition, and the drive to go forward. People who are depressed often sleep a lot, as this is their way of avoiding what they cannot deal with. Your bouts of depression may or may not have anything to do with your girlfriend, but the most important thing is that you understand what triggers these feelings; they ultimately affect the people you love.
You said that she’s very needy and requires a lot of attention. Is the problem that maybe you feel your personal needs aren’t being met, and therefore get annoyed when she wants hers met?
It’s not hard to see why your gf would feel put-out if your mood drops whenever the two of you are together. You want her to know that you love her and want to be with her, but it sounds like your emotions are betraying your words to her. In addition, if things were great between you two before and suddenly you lack the affection that was once there with no apparent reason, it leaves room for nothing but paranoia. Put it like this, if you ask someone a question you really want an answer to, and they answer you with an “I don’t know”, it leads one to think that you are hiding the truth (whether that may be to keep them from getting hurt, or whatever the case may be).
All in all, her neediness may have increased because she needs the reassurance that you still feel the same about her. She obviously cares for you very much, and she needs to know you feel the same. If you could get to the point where you’re able to freely be comfortable and happy together, her neediness should subside to a more acceptable level (be forewarned that this could take some time).
Ultimately, you'll have to come to terms with what's bothering you, because this seems to be the source of your toubles...
Cheer up and best of luck!
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A
female
reader, sad mum of 4 +, writes (24 May 2007):
It sounds to me that you spend a lot of time with you girlfriend i think you both need a night off once or twice a week. just to give yourselfs the space YOU need other wise it will need in tears an you should speek to your girlfriend more tell her how yoi feel even if you are having a bad day if she loves you she should understand but you need to tell her when you are having a bad day other wise she wont no and then on your good days you should be able to give her the attention she so needs. good luck i hope it works out for the both of you
ps if you realy dont no if you still want to be with her tell her you need time out to be on your own with no contact or phone calls and if after a week or so you miss her you will no you do still want to be with her
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