A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a serious dilemma about my marriage. My husband suddenly went impotent 8 years ago, and lost his sex drive 100%. Since than he went to numerous doctors,but they didn't find anything wrong with his health. They said, it is likely psychological, but they are unable to find out what it could be. He used to be a very sexual guy, and suddenly he lost his sexual function. So today, we have no idea why is this happening to him. We tried all sort of things, but nothing seems to improve his sex drive, or his erections. He is now sort of asexual. What I'm trying to ask here , if it happened to others , that they didn't know why are they impotent, because I always just heard about cases, when they know why, like heart issues, diabetes, hormonal etc. or psychologically like porn watching , no love, cheating etc. So none of this happening with him. Please help, if you heard of cases, when they couldn't find any cause of impotence, and what do you think of it? Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Dear OP. Night erections is not a sure indication of healthy heart.Because obviously after a good nights rest the body functions work at minimum so it does not need too much blood flow so the heart is able to pump sufficient blood to the penis area. A full bladder at night can also cause erection. I suggest a prostate checkup because an enlarged prostate can cause bladder overactivity.Also as has been suggested before he could be stressed for some reason or simply he is sufferring anxity of failing to achieve erection again which is only exacerbating the situation.I forgot to say in my previous post that he should also take viagra atleast for a period of time till he gets over this mental block. Also I suggest that on your part that you should act smart and do things to change your image for him. maybe he is bored of sleeping with the same woman for so long.Pardon me I am not suggesting that you are not good looking. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world but this does happen in long marriages that the man gets bored of sleeping with the same woman for so long. this is how God or nature has created men. change the color of your hair, if it is dark make it blonde or tinted .If you have gained weight shed the extra pounds. Dress diffrently to what you have been used to dress.Change your perfume and makeup.Take interest in other activities. do things diffrently to what you have used to do.Act as though you have no care in the world.Remember you are doing this to help him.Ask him to take you out for a walk or a coffee every evening.ask him to come out to shopping with you.Simply spend time together without arguments or criticism, just feel what are his hopes and fears and support his thoughts and ideas. make him slowly gain back his confidance in himself. also finally I suggest you should acquire for yourself a vibrator and afew toys.I hear some vibrators now are even better than the real thing. nothing is more effective than making your man feel that the he has an oponent to conquer. Believe me all this trouble is worth it because ED is a horrible illness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): DEAR WiseOwlE!!!! Im the OP.... ''Has he sought psychological counseling?''Yes he did, but it got to complex, and the therapist can't tell why is this happening.". The major question that can't be proven by science is, if he still desires you sexually? That is purely emotional; regardless of ED. Either he is selfishly withholding the truth about it, or fears the possibility of divorce. In either case, the threat of losing you or being alone may be overwhelming for him."You are very right with this, but he is not telling anything else, that he does not know, so I can't say more to myself , what he says to me. What is in his subconscious , nobody knows."Intimacy is a very important factor in a relationship; regardless of age. "Very true."I venture to speculate that he just isn't that into sex anymore; and he has possibly lost his sex drive altogether."Yes, I agree 100% It's an unfortunate human malfunction that happens to some men and women. You don't give his age, so I'll assume you are both in the same age group as listed above your post, between 41-50.Yes he is 51... ""Now lets deal with some realities. I assume you have gone to specialists, and not just general practitioners due to referral limitations placed by your healthcare insurance.''Yes , he, we did see many specialists..." I assume your husband is being strait forward with you, and isn't withholding the truth about the possibility that he may be gay or bisexual. Men do that for years with fear of losing their mates or being exposed. They fear divorce. No doctor can detect a man's sexual preference. You cannot detect homosexuality by stereotypical behavior. No more than you can really determine if he is having an affair without solid evidence."Well, you are right again, those are all possible, I did not see any obvious signs, and if he is not telling the truth, I can't change that. I really want to know the truth, whatever it is/, better , than living in the dark""How does a man tell his loving wife of many years she just doesn't turn him on anymore, without destroying her self-esteem? How does he say she may no longer possess the physical attributes necessary to sexually turn him on? How does he tell her that she is just pressuring him too much, and that she is badgering him to the degree that she has become an undesirable sex-partner? These are very painful points to consider.""You have some very strong points, I totally agree, it is one tough issue,. I'm getting sick from it , emotionally, and physically.""No one here can read what's in your husband's mind. We can only make generalizations and speak from anecdotal experiences. I truly do not believe there is any mystery here. I suspect this is a matter of the omission of the truth, to protect your feelings. If you truly know him to be a compassionate and loving husband, draw your own conclusions.""Very well put. .... I know, Im just trying to see, if someone maybe knows about this thru her/his , own experiences...""If you are prone to overreaction or emotionalizing; he will bury his feelings in secrecy, and carry them to the grave.""Yes , Im afraid of the same thing. I think many secrets are carried to the grave, sadly, sometimes generation of secrets . It is very damaging, I agree.I hope you will read my answer here. If you have any other thoughts, I would love to hear it, Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013):
Dear anonymous! THIS IS OP..
"I agree 100% with other comments and add ED is a sure sigh of cardeovascular disease at its earliest stage."
I don't know, I think, it can't be the case, as they checked his heart, and also he gets firm night erections.
They say night erections are the sign of healthy heart, and sexual system. Yet he has no reaction to porn , . He does not get turned on for watching it. But cardiologist checked him, and found no indication of heart issues. How I said, it is nightmare, not to find a diagnosis.I agree with you , it can destroy a couple's life completely. Specially , not to know why is this happening . Do you believe night erections are the sign of healthy penis, and heart?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): I agree 100% with other comments and add ED is a sure sigh of cardeovascular disease at its earliest stage.Weakening of the heart combined with narrowing of the blood vessels prevent blood reaching the groin.Unfortunately most doctors do not detect cardeovasular disease till it is in pronounced stage also in my experience most doctors for some reason shy away from discussing in detail a patient's sexual complaints. Has your husband accumulated alot of fat around his belly? coz that is one reason for preventing sufficient blood reaching the groin area. Also ask him to have a checkup for porostate. Enlarged prostate also prevent blood flow to that area. To rule out any psychological problems which is quite rare in ED cases find out if he gets sufficiently solid erection watching porn or seeing a naked woman.Sit down with him with and watch together a tasteful porn movie if still no erection then the problem is for sure physical. It is such a shame to waste so many years without sex as ED has such a devastating effect causing the person to lose self esteem and drive and continous misery .It really destroys any interest in life for the person involved. My final advice is do not ignore this disease. It is devastating! seek medical help from best doctors in this field. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 May 2013):
 Yes, this does happen and if he is of similar age to you, it could just be that he has reached a certain age where his body no longer has sexual urges. Sadly, it happens to many men in their 40's and more often as they get older. Often this rarely has anything to do with you.
Here are my suggestions:
1) Watch the stress. Too much stress can kill one's sex drive.
2) Medications? Many drugs have side effects -- check with his doctor if he is on one.
3) Soy: I believe soy products contain estrogen. Many men are very susceptible to it. If his diet is filled with soy, you may want to eliminate it.
4) Testosterone: As men age, they lose this hormone. You may find it useful for him to be tested by endocrinologist. A regular doctor can also test the levels of this hormone through a simple blood test.
5) Men's Health Magazine just did an article that one of the first signs of heart disease that doctor's are just discovering is a lack of sexual desire / erection problems. Perhaps another trip to an up-to-date cardiologist may be useful. You may also encourage him to hit the gym -- especially if he is out of shape. The article was in the magazine about 2 months ago.
6) If he rides a bicycle, it can impinge the nerves "down there". Make sure he is fitted with a proper seat.
Your husband may also find it useful to take an erectile dysfunction pill (Viagra for instance). If he hasn't been examined by a urologist, he may want to schedule a visit.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): If you have gotten several doctor's opinions, exactly what do you expect to find here? Erectile dysfunction is either caused by an emotional or physiological disorder. You claim to have ruled out all possibilities. A physician would have detected any medicinal side-effects. So now what? Has he sought psychological counseling?You work with what you have. You find toys and devices to aid in your sexual fulfillment. He can participate; if willing to help get you off and provide the emotional side of love-making. The major question that can't be proven by science is, if he still desires you sexually? That is purely emotional; regardless of ED. Either he is selfishly withholding the truth about it, or fears the possibility of divorce. In either case, the threat of losing you or being alone may be overwhelming for him. Intimacy is a very important factor in a relationship; regardless of age. Generally; women lose their sex drive before their male partners, due to hormonal changes as they age. It isn't unusual for sexual function and desire to be unequal in any relationship.I venture to speculate that he just isn't that into sex anymore; and he has possibly lost his sex drive altogether. It's an unfortunate human malfunction that happens to some men and women. You don't give his age, so I'll assume you are both in the same age group as listed above your post, between 41-50.Some people go to sex therapist to learn how to recapture the sexual chemistry in their relationships. Therapy may help through experimental method ways to discover how to stir emotional, if not physically visible, sexual arousal.Some couples go on vacations that at least will remind them of a moment in their lives when passions ran high. Just because doctors can't give you an answer, doesn't mean you can't seek a way to keep passion in your marriage. It's now your pet project. There's a lot of fun in the research for answers. Imagination goes a long way; provided both partners are willing to pursue all possibilities to return sex to their relationship. Otherwise; you're on your own.Now lets deal with some realities. I assume you have gone to specialists, and not just general practitioners due to referral limitations placed by your healthcare insurance. I assume your husband is being strait forward with you, and isn't withholding the truth about the possibility that he may be gay or bisexual. Men do that for years with fear of losing their mates or being exposed. They fear divorce. No doctor can detect a man's sexual preference. You cannot detect homosexuality by stereotypical behavior. No more than you can really determine if he is having an affair without solid evidence.How does a man tell his loving wife of many years she just doesn't turn him on anymore, without destroying her self-esteem? How does he say she may no longer possess the physical attributes necessary to sexually turn him on? How does he tell her that she is just pressuring him too much, and that she is badgering him to the degree that she has become an undesirable sex-partner? These are very painful points to consider.I highly doubt you've tried everything; because there are endless methods available for couples to find sexual gratification. When the penis doesn't work; there is the tongue and several digits (fingers) available to please one's mate. If he has no drive or derives no pleasure from these options; that is by his own choosing, not for the lack of a sex drive. Why wouldn't he wish to please his wife sexually by any means possible? That is the question. There are several other ways to offer sexual pleasure, provided you are open to experimentation.Age is the most common cause of male impotence. Perhaps he has reached this point in his life-time. Unfortunately, you obviously have not. Life can deal some difficult blows; but people who love each other find ways to compensate for deficiencies; or overcome obstacles they encounter as we grow older.No one here can read what's in your husband's mind. We can only make generalizations and speak from anecdotal experiences. I truly do not believe there is any mystery here. I suspect this is a matter of the omission of the truth, to protect your feelings. If you truly know him to be a compassionate and loving husband, draw your own conclusions.My feeling is that this suspicion has crossed your mind, and what has prompted you to write your post seeking answers. You have to discuss this sensitive subject with your husband, and be able to handle the truth; whatever it may be.He may be in a very deep state of denial, and is not capable of offering you an answer without professional help. The depth of a man's pride is sometimes unfathomable.If you are prone to overreaction or emotionalizing; he will bury his feelings in secrecy, and carry them to the grave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Does he get erections watching porn or at the prospect of sex with another woman? Variety is a huge driving force in men's sexuality. Is he on any medications? Is he depressed or very stressed?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): What happened 8 years ago in his life? If you get to the root cause - you will be able to unlock this. Erectile function has a lot to do with psychological issues - if he has told himself he is not sexually worthwhile then he won't be able to get an erection no matter how hard he tries now until he resolves these older issues. Just out of curiosity - in the past (i.e. 8 years ago) did you reject his sexual advances? Were you too tired? Stressed? Not in the mood? etc? Sometimes if this even happened a handful of times, this might have trained him to disassociate these feelings. Especially if there was anxiety involved in this training.i.e. if he was horny and in the mood, and you didn't allow him to escalate that (in any form of release) - he may have associated you with the feeling of being rejected and now subconsciously he has become impotent due to it. Best bet is to speak to a trained Psychologist/Councillor to unlock the root cause to this problem. It is fixable and I do wish you both the best of luck!
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