A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. It turns out that the guy I am with and have been with for coming up to 1 and ½ years may have some commitment issues. don’t get me wrong, he’s great, we love each other and we are still together and have no intention of breaking up but he has admitted to me during an honest conversation we had about the future and settling down that he feels he cannot envisage being with the same person forever. He is a very creative person and so am I so I do understand what he has said. I asked him if this was about wanting to sleep with multiple people and he said no, it was about being on his own. I should add that we have had a lot of difficulties in our relationship so in a way I can understand why he feels this way. My question is – guys, do the majority of men struggle with the idea of lifetime commitment? I’ve read up on this issue on the internet and the answer seems to be ‘yes’, with a minority of men finding it easy to settle down (I have never met one). So I don’t see why I should have to take his comments personally. Also, is there anything that would make you want to commit to a woman more? I’m a good looking woman but I’m no supermodel and I’m nearing 40. I know he probably thinks about what else he could have, I know all men do that, it’s no big deal. He is slightly younger than me and if I am honest, he is probably slightly better looking than me. We are similar in our interests and we are currently trying for a baby. I’m slightly worried that I may end up on my own if I do fall pregnant, but that is not necessarily going to happen and we are having to attend the fertility clinic next month anyway as we are struggling to conceive. It’s funny, but he wants to have a baby with me and buy a house but says he is not keen on marriage and like I said, he struggles with the idea of being with one person forever. Maybe he was just expressing himself. He does have a tendency to be very blunt and brutally honest. Maybe I am worrying too much…I just want to know form the guys really if struggling with commitment is normal please. and if there is anything I can do to help? Thanks for reading.
View related questions:
conceive, the internet, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): I will speak for myself.I am currently in an exclusive relationship for almost 19 years. I would consider that committed.The hardest part, for me, is when my partner takes that for granted. In the beginning, both partners try hard to put their best foot forward. After some time, we start to take each other for granted. The hardest part about commitment to me is that I am obligated to stay with this person even when she is on my bad side or we are not getting along necessarily. I feel that we sometimes take advantage of each other in that way. I also agree with others in saying that I think women have more commitment issues than men do. Men are slower to marry, but more likely to maintain the marriage even in the face of adversity. Women may be more quick to accept proposals, but are also quicker to file for divorce when things are less than perfect. I believe that the way the court system is setup encourages this behavior. Women can leave and still feel secure, while if a man leaves it often costs him not only his relationship but his financial security. In reality, men have a lot more to lose in a marriage than women do, and that's why we are slower to commit.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (21 May 2011):
 “Do guys struggle with the idea of lifetime commitment?”
You bet. The idea of lifetime commitment is huge. Honestly, how can you overstate it? If you’re serious about being with one person for the rest of your life, is there a bigger decision you can make?
He wondered if he could be with you forever. Well, full marks for honesty. I wondered about the same things, like could I give up my ‘alone time’ and such.
What helped me with the commitment? The fact that she was understanding, that she wanted (in fact was determined that) things would work, and that she’s accommodated my countless flaws and failings. She gave me room, but at the same time gave me a better and more full life than I would ever have had if I’d stuck to my bias toward being alone. She’s guided me, gently corrected me when necessary, made me a better father and person, and done so without beating me up unnecessarily regardless of how egregious my provocations. She’s led by example, through kind nature and by love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Hi, I don't think all men have commitment issues. It is the perception of women which is a problem. I met my wife while in our 1st year at uni, everything was great till we got married after 4 years. I was her first and she was my first. We were both virgins and had strong christian backgrounds. But after getting married, we decided to move to another country where we all enrolled for postgraduate studies.
At this time, jealousy set in. Whenever I was away from home in the library reading or discussing with friends, she accused me of having affairs and falling for my friends. I almost ran mad. I tried to convince her to no avail. Instead, she is the one who ended up cheating on me and as I speak, I am so heart broken. I haven't had sex for over 8 months with her now much as I still truly love her and the spark is still there. I just feel so let down and can't bring myself to see her as my wife any more. She says she loves me, but she hasn't done anything to prove it. I feel trapped and if I had guts, I would just wake up and walk away from this marriage. But only one thing is still holding me, her parents adore me, my parents adore her and both sets would be broken to see us fall apart.
I don't know what to do or say to my wife anymore, I have started hating women which I never did before. I have started looking at them as sexual objects and I know this is wrong. I work in a store where women are always dressing to seek attention and complements from men, I think there are no good women out there, b'se if there were there, my wife would be among them.
Men don't want to commit b'se of the obvious reason, women will start controlling them and accusing them of affairs which are non existent. They will stop their men from even commenting on a woman on tv, they will want to put men in their pockets yet men want to be free even when married. No woman may allow this unless she has gone thru' like 5 divorces! I am sorry I may have offended people out there, but I have written this with a free spirit!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): OK. thanks for the replies. I'd like to reply briefly and maybe in more depth later when I get more time. I think the replies are really thought out and I really appreciate ALL OF YOU for taking the time. Thankyou.
I wish I could shake this feeling away. I have been burnt pretty badly in the past by relationships and never let it get to me too much. But when I met him I really thought this might be the one. Sadly, I dont think it is, and I cannot get rid of the fact that I am hopelessly in love ( more than he is with me, for sure) and that I do not, as much as i try to remain positive, belive that i will get a chance to meet someone and have a settled family life that i so crave once this ends. I do genuinely belive that if this ends, this is it. I'm 38 FFS. Although I am a good looking gal and have loads going for me. I need to hold on to that. Just wish I'd met someone by now :-(
I know it needs to end but this is so hard for me, and makes me feel very down indeed.
I'm not a majorly dynamic person and being with someone, intimacy and having a family was all i ever wnated really. I just seemed to end up with the wrong guys.
Anyway, enough of the poor mes....life is still beautiful eh?
Thats all i have to say right now. Might write some more later.
Thanks again. Would love to hear more thoughts on this/replies please.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (19 May 2011):
 According to this, it's because men value freedom:
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2010/04/why-men-wont-commit/
And marriage -- especially what it's become in the modern Western world, with men needing their wives' permission to do virtually anything, like going out with friends -- isn't exactly conducive to male freedom.
Still, I don't get why men are thought to have commitment issues when, probably 90% of the time, it's the MAN who proposes marriage. Also probably 90% of the time, it is the woman who initiates the breakup or divorce later on. We say men who don't settle down must be afraid of commitment, yet women who marry young are never said to have a fear of independence. So I think some of men's "fear" has to do with perception.
Also, when 50% of marriages fail, that suggests that half the couples out there should have been a lot more hesitant about the commitment they were making. It's almost like society needs more commitment-phobes, not less. "do the majority of men struggle with the idea of lifetime commitment?" I think the majority of people SHOULD struggle with that. It is for a lifetime, after all. For example, if you were buying anything from a car to an outfit, knowing this would be the last one you could own for the rest of your life and could never replace it, I think most would find it an extremely difficult choice.
Creative types in general may be less congenial toward typical married life, which is the most average and conventional lifestyle there is (the vast majority of all people eventually get married). Plus, you have only been together 1-1/2 years. Many other couples wait 5-10 years before a formal commitment. So it's not as if him committing to you is long overdue.
But have you discussed with him how much of a commitment a baby will be? Doesn't he realize this will be just as much of a commitment, if not more, than getting married? Although marriage does not allow much freedom or independence, it is still the ideal environment for raising children. Knowing their parents have formally committed to each other 100% helps children feel safe and secure. So I hope, for your kids' sake, that your bf comes around. If he can't envision being with the same person for at least the next 20 years, he's not up to being a father either.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 May 2011):
I would say that both men and women do have problems committing, but show it in different ways.
I think men show it by being distant within relationships, running away from responsibility (from bills and dates through to children) and being often brutally honest (saying they're not interested) and perhaps even cruel to ensure that there is always an exit. Men choose to either avoid commitment, or lie about it.
I think women do exactly the opposite - they throw themselves into a relationship that's not suitable, often ignore signs that it's not suitable, and wind up leaving when they realize they've made a mistake (75% of all divorces are initiated by women, and in a recent poll, 70% of women said their choice of man was their biggest regret - a lot of unhappy women!). Women choose to attempt commitment, but often find it's with the wrong man.
I think the reason for this is the pressure that is placed upon people to 'get married' and 'have children' and to 'commit for life'. People judge others needlessly if they are single, or childless, and this makes those who are being judged feel uneasy. They then either jump into relationships, or they spend their lives avoiding them.
A person should be able to make their own decisions about commitment and feel comfortable with their decisions. And others should respect that.
In your boyfriend's case, he is still not in a comfortable enough place that he can seriously look to the future and feel that he can commit. Thankfully, he's been honest because that gives you the chance to think seriously about what is being offered here. He is saying that he would like children and would like to buy a house with you. But he has also said that marriage is off the cars, and that he is struggling to see himself with one person (in this case you) for the rest of his life. That's not a good mix.
Can you help? No.
In fact, the best thing you can do now is sit down alone and really think about whether this boyfriend of yours is offering you what you really want. Your attitude towards yourself "I'm no supermodel, I'm nearing 40" is the dangerous attitude that has led many women to making mistakes in their choice of man. You need to be sure this guy is offering you what you want. I'm not sure that he is.
For the record, everyone finds commitment hard. Those that find it easy often find it breaking down later in life, or have spent a lot of time ensuring they are committing to the right person.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): i can't believe you are trying for a baby without getting a commitment from him. You need a final answer from this guy before you go any further with that. That IS NOT FAIR to the child, and is extremely selfish.I think many guys do struggle with commitment. However, the good ones stay around when they have started a family and provide for it. You need to make sure he is going to do that. If he is questioning his freedom now, he is going to be miserable in 5 years when the reality of providing for a little bambino sets in. If he has unconditional love for you, he will probably stick around. But you really ought to get a ring on your finger before you start trying to have a kid. Otherwise, you are going to be raising him or her alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (19 May 2011):
its an interesting question - define commitment? if its a life long love and never leaving the other person there are heaps of couples I know who have been married 50+ years.At a certain point I believe you get comfortable in the relationship and cant / wont leave because your too old to met someone new.However - the current generation nearing sixty have a completely different view on how they will age and I think they will redefine how they spend their retirement years and staying with the same person will be one of those things. It comes back to - is the relationship strong? Based on solid foundations that include love, commitment, caring and shared values/interests?Younger men such as myself - I believe in commitment and was in a relationship for 14 years that ultimately failed. It doesnt mean that I expect my next relationship to fail after the same length of time, for the same reasons above.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): OK. Commitment is a huge deal for some guys who just don't want to grow up. These men don't really realise that they are immature but their 'aura' speaks volumes. I got married when I was 29 and my son arrived when I was 30. Our marriage lasted 3 years. My ex wife and I are both the same age. We both were of the opinion that we wanted to settle down. We did. We bought a house and were both in responsible jobs etc. Life was good. Then trouble hit us (my wife developed a pretty serious mental sickness and I will not elaborate any further) and if I'm honest I couldn't handle the pressure. My wife at the time started accusing me of all sorts of things, affairs, alcoholism, abuse, etc because of her condition. I didn't feel comfortable in our home let alone our relationship. I started drinking more and staying away from home more. Not because there was another woman, there wasn't. I just couldn't handle the position both of us were in with our child. I wasn't ready for that kind of responsibilty. I thought I was but obviously not. It became a vicious circle, the more I was away from home the more she falsly accused me of crazy things. We divorced and some four years later. Now, we are both in a better position and good friends again. My ex wife has come through her illness and is a much better person for it.My ex wife has moved on with her partner and their newborn. I have met the love of my life and we are very happy together and we are making plans to settle down. Life is good again.What I am trying to say is that not all guys are commitment phobes. Some are some arn't. I know guys who would love to settle down but for whatever reasons they cannot find the right partner or circumstance.I guess it boils down to who you are with. If there is good trust, honesty, respect, love and sex etc then why would a guy not want to settle down? Unless he is a selfish pig and would like to bed any female with a zipcode. All guys are different and I have met all types of men, some of them really salt of the earth type characters and others just runts.It sounds to me like your guy has been burnt in the past and maybe this is what his fear is. Of getting burnt again. When my marriage ended I didn't date for 2 1/2 years. I was afraid of getting hurt. Then BANG. Next thing I know like a lightening bolt I meet a girl. After three months I knew she was the one. I held it to myself. After six months she told me how she felt about us. I just couldn't believe it, I thought love had passed me by. I was so wrong. I have never felt love like it and it continues to grow daily. But both of us have come through a divorce so we both know that successful relationships require a lot work so we are both of the opinion that we both shall put each others needs before our own needs. I think of her before I think of myself and vice versa.It all depends on your partner. True love will always find a way to happiness for both parties.Honesty is always the key. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Try to find out where he is with this. I hope this helps. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): hey i must admit i like your question and i would like to know some answers to this question cause i feel i am with a man who has commitment issues he dont play around we are fully committed that way its like you said the getting engaged and married and spending a life together talking about the future we have said we want a future together but thats it stops there i think its a more of the WHAT IF words at the back of there minds but you say he wants baby and a house with you thats a commitment having a baby together but i know what you mean the icing on the cake the getting married commitment good luck with your answers cause i will be definably reading them.
...............................
|
