A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 years when our relationship started to die out. She seemed to have lost interrest in me and never gave me the attention I wanted. This went on to a degree she always had herself occupied with work and studies and we would talk about once every 2 weeks (compared to the many hours every day we used to). She kept reminding me she is having a hard time with work and things will be better, but the empty feeling of waiting for her killed me inside. The times we did talk were no joyous moments either, I tried to talk with her about nice things, but she would only return negativity.Now, at some point I really felt the love was gone, but I was too afraid to let go. A friend of mine, another girl, supported me greatly in this heart break, giving me advice how to handle problems in life, being there in times of need when my girlfriend was not. At some point I felt so emotionally dead towards my gf that I started to wonder how come a friend of mine gives me more care than my very own gf? It confused me mentally, especially when I came to find out that my friend actually loved me and wanted to be with me, but kept her distance because she respected I am in a relationship. She had felt that way for many years she confessed.I decided that maybe my relationship with my gf isnt meant to be and I broke up with my gf. At that time me and her had not talked for over a month, so I felt I really waited long enough and moved on right away, seeing if there is a future in being together with my friend instead. For a few days I let myself go, I talked to my friend and we decided maybe we can be a couple, but just flirted a bit, not much more. It was far to early to move on, but I dont know why I had feelings to do so already.A few days later, my ex calls me and crying on the phone and saying sorry for everything she has done and begging me to please take her back that she will fix things, that everything will be like we used to be again and explained me that her work had driven her crazy and she now realizes that because of work she lost what is most dear to her. My heart was shattered hearing her cry like this, I loved her deeply, but I thought her love for me was gone.I talked it out with my friend and I got back together with my ex, and we started over, but here is the problem I faced...I felt untruthful in my intentions towards her, I felt that I had left her, and emotionally abandoned her, and I feel a deep sensation of guilt for flirting with another woman during those days, even though I never even as much as hugged my friend, I did have these feelings mentally. Also, my act of suddenly getting back together with my ex had hurt my friend's feelings as well, who was always there for me. And I feel ashamed of my actions and I feel greatly guilty.My gf's feelings were broken about me leaving her, and it was hard for her to trust me, I understand, since I left her without realizing the trouble she gone through and part of the reason I left was selfish. It has been exactly a year now and I had dropped contact with my friend for this time, I started to get over things and clean my guilt, but a sudden change in life happened.My gf decided she didnt want to be with me any longer and broke up with me. She vanished out of my life for over a month, I was heartbroken over it. I felt that I should have ended it a year before, but I got back together. I was so lost, and nobody to turn to, so I called my friend and told her what happened. She was surprised that my gf left me and invited me over to talk things out. I started to feel better about being apart, and somehow my feelings for my friend returned and I apologized for vanishing out of her life like that. Now... Thing that happened recently, my gf called me again, and again begging me to take her back. I refused for about 2 weeks, but she kept begging me every single day, she confronted me after work every day to beg me, crying, and really begging me to take her back, saying she again made a mistake, saying she will change. I took her back, because I still have feelings. My gf really did change, for a few months now she is really great to me. I am still talking to my friend, but my old wound has opened up again..A long story short: I had a great relationship for 6 years, things became shaky, I mentally cheated and broke up with her, stayed together for a year, my gf broke up with me and vanished out of my life for over a month, then when I decided to move on, she begs me to take her back and I get back together. Our relationship has its old flame back again and we realize how much we love eachother and that really do need eachother, but I feel so guilty for having feelings for another woman during the time she emotionally neglected me. Is it wrong of me to feel in such a way?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Hello, original poster here of the question. Thank you so much for the advice. I am giving things thoughts, thank you for clearing things for me a bit. I feel a whole lot better now, and from now on I need to try to not feel guilty so much :).
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (14 November 2010):
First off dude, you are a great guy. Don't let this guilt get to you. If anything, you still acted faithfully to both girls. Though you had feelings and time to get over your ex, you still didn't pursue your friend, because you knew you needed time to heal (rebounds are NEVER good) A lot of girls should be hurdling to find a guy as sensible as you. You did nothing wrong and only reacted to what was happening to you and never actually physically cheated on anyone.
That being said, I think you need to talk to your friend because she's probably hurting a lot. She seems like a great girl, how despite her love for you she accepts it when you get back together with your ex because she wants you to be happy. I think you owe her an apology of sorts. Not that you did anything wrong, but if you think of things from her perspective, she's probably going through a LOT watching the one she loves get in and out of a relationship with his ex. She deserves, at the very least, an honest sorry for your inconsistent behavior and thank you for everything she's done.
Once again, you didn't do anything wrong per se, but I'm sure she's going through a rough time and it would mean a lot to her if you acknowledged what she's going through.
As far as your girlfriend goes, that sounds like a hard relationship, but I know what its like to love a girl so much you just have to forgive her no matter how many times she hurts you.
Good luck man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): if i had a partner (yr first gf) who messed me around this much i would drop that person. How many 'she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not' are you prepared to endure. She is toying with you as a sated cat toys with a mouse. The other girl seems much more honorable. She has been used and then discarded by you. If i were her i would not take you back. She has been a good reliable friend. You have not. Try pleading with this other girl, if she takes you back then consider yourself very very lucky.
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