A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend had a very serious problem with anorexia in her teens, requiring hospitalization. To the best of my knowledge, she's been at a healthy weight for the last 16 years or so. Although she still has a "complicated" relationship with food, she does eat a good diet and is a healthy, stable weight.BUT, she has a very low opinion of her body. There is no rationale basis for this; her weight and shape are really great. And I think she's beautiful and I find her very, very attractive.Here's my concern: because she's so worried about her body, and given her history of ED, am I making things worse by calling attention to how she looks? I tell her I think she looks great often. It isn't my intention to make a big deal out of it, but it just comes out without my thinking about it because it's what I feel.On the one hand, I'd love it if I could boost her confidence. And I do want her to know that I love her, and that I'm very attracted to her physically too. But if I'm calling attention to something she's uncomfortable about, even in a positive way, could I be doing more harm than good?Hopefully someone with some experience can give me some insights here! Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha: super advice, I think that's a really good idea. You are so right - guys are so visual and it's easier to express that.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Why not tell her how being with her makes you FEEL? Rather than focus on the visual, which is the guy thing, focus on your experience being WITH her. And as the anon poster said, whenever she asks how she looks, tell her she is gorgeous and you think she is just perfect for you.You sound like a great guy and I hope her issues are resolved without damaging your relationship!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. I agree, I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to be her therapist. It just makes me feel sad that this terrific, beautiful person has such a low opinion of herself.
She's been pretty open about talking to me about it, and has asked for help in situations that typically make her uncomfortable. She says her issue was originally body image too, which makes me nervous because it hasn't gone away! But in my opinion, her parents were somewhat neglectful and the disorder arose during a period that her parents were living apart. That makes me think it was more than just a single cause.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): I would definitely not take my answer as the only one, I can only talk from a little bit of experience here and I hope that others will give their opinions.
In my teens I had severe depression and this involved a short spell of anorexia/bulimia. One of the things that majorly contributed to this was that my mother was a very puritanical person - honestly, almost like from a Victorian era - never wore make up, never commented on our appearance in any way, never talked to us about being female etc etc. - many years later I was to conclude that she was probably mentally ill and knew for sure that she had been abusive, mainly through emotional neglect.
To cut a very long story short, I was insecure about the way that I looked for years after, and I still am to an extent. At the age of 43, people sometimes comment that I am "beautiful" and look years younger. I have never been able to have a sense of that really, or of how others see me. But, I can FEEL beautiful, in a different way, through various experiences that I find life-enriching.
What helped me absolutely enormously was meeting my ex at the age of 25 and him telling me, in a way that no-one quite had before, that to him I was the sexiest woman alive. This was great BUT greater still, was that it developed into a very, very loving relationship in which he would tell me that I was "gorgeous" even when anyone else absolutely would not ...I'm not being modest here, I mean times like first thing in the morning, with my hair all over the place and traces of yesterday's mascara on my face etc...I know in the movies this is supposed to look cute, but this is NOT what was going on with me. For about the two decades of our relationship, like most women I had an ongoing mission to reduce the size of a certain part of my anatomy. My ex consistently told me that it was great, but then would - in a really sweet and half joking manner - ask me sometimes how the "mission" was going...this was okay because I was so reassured by what he said at other times.
During that relationship I would quite often ask him "Do I look okay" and he would always reply "yes, you look lovely". If I was really nervous about something, I tended to "grill him" to make sure. He was always great about it.
What I really, really wish more than anything now that I am finally starting to "own" my own sense of beauty a little bit more, is that society would stop pressuring women to look young and stereotypical and to spend so much money on buying products to make them "beautiful". It can be fun, but also it can be so oppressive. I love looking at women with really interesting faces that don't conform to a normal stereotype of model beauty and I always feel a bit "plain" in response to these incredible women.
I'd say with your girlfriend if you are going to compliment her, make sure you do it when she looks her "worst" as well as her "best" and never stop reassuring her if she asks for your opinion on how she looks. You could also talk more about her childhood and upbringing...gently try to get a sense of why she had the anorexia. It is quite often related to the relationship between the daughter and the mother and/or to peer or society pressure. If you talk to her on that basis, she will find it easier to accept your comments on her appearance and won't take them as superficial or invasive. Go slow with that one though, you don't want her to feel like you've become a shrink!
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