A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am at a loss for what to do with this one. I dated a girl who was 7 years younger than me for over 2.5 years and we lived together for about 7 months. Aside from an issue I have with snoring, things seemed to be going well. 9 days before she moved out, she told me she was 100% in our relationship when I asked her if she was ok - I could sense something was off. She sat with my family the next night and planned the holidays and committed to spending Christmas and New Years with them. Then, 4 days before the holiday, I came home from work to find all of her things packed and her sitting in the floor.She explained to me that she felt I was not moving the relationship along fast enough. She had to push to meet my family as I was reserved after a really bad breakup over a year ago. But she met my family and seemed to really get along with them. This issue, I thought, had been resolved over 8 months ago.I had also tried to delay moving in together, but that was only after we both were forced to work from home, and the apartment we were going to live in together was a one bedroom flat without space for two work setups. Her response at the time was that we'd "figure it out," but that was not good enough for me. Regardless, she moved in and we made it work, yet she kept harping on me doing that. Finally, she brought up my snoring. I had developed an issue with snoring over the last year, which did cause us to sleep separately more often than not, which I hated. I went to the doctor once, who told me to stop taking a sleeping pill. I tried it and it didn't work, but I did put that problem on the back burner for far too long. I regret it. She never indicated the severity of these issues to me until she packed up and left. She cried and told me "we have to do this" and "it's best for both of us." She told me she was going to miss being with me and spending time with me, and she was going to her parents to figure out her next move. I was in total shock and was unable to find any emotions, and she lashed out and said "see you aren't even being emotional, you don't care I'm gone." I tried to explain I just could not even comprehend what happened. I asked her if this was forever or if this is her leaving while I figure out how to solve my snoring and the like, and she said she didn't know, but she was not going to see other people. She also said she felt I fell in love with who she was when I met her and not the changed version she is now. About a year ago, fitness really began taking over her life and I felt I was on the back burner. I still feel regret and sadness for the shortcomings I made. We haven't spoken since she left and she blocked all of our mutual friends from social media. It's unclear if our numbers are blocked. She asked me when she left not to contact her during the workday. I told her I had made an appointment to get my snoring addressed prior to her leaving, and she said "well you never told me that." Is there any point in reaching out to her in the next few weeks to ask to talk or is this just something I let go? I've never had a breakup like this happen so abruptly. She acted completely normal up until I came home from work and told me she only decided to leave the night before she left.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 January 2021):
 She might have had a timeline (which is OK) but for her to think YOU have to follow HER time-line OR else, is kinda... selfish.
If you weren't READY to propose or think about marriage and SHE was, then ending it was the right thing. You shouldn't PROPOSE because you feel pressured. It should BE the right step for BOTH of you.
If she had told you, "hey I feel like this is going nowhere" would you then have felt obligated to propose so she wouldn't leave?
Yes, it's BEST if people can talk to each other and find compromises that works for both. Maybe she tried.
I think it just shows that she wanted something else than you had to offer. At this time in life, YOU wasn't right for her.
Learn from this and be a better communicator in your NEXT relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe also mentioned that she felt I was nowhere close to getting engaged to her, and she had to push me to make big moves like meeting family and moving in together. I get it. I did drag my feet on big issues. I think she expected us to either be engaged by now or close to it. I just wish she had talked to me before packing up and leaving. She had a timeline on when she wanted to be pregnant, but that was many years from now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 January 2021):
OP, she WOULD have reached out already if she had regrets or wanted to continue dating but living apart.
If I were you, I'd focus on your health and sorting this snoring out and on moving on.
While a snoring partner can be hard to get used to, it rarely is the SINGLE reason people broke up. I think there was more to this break up than that, she just PICKED snoring as the reason. She wanted out.
Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy snoring really developed a year and a half into the relationship. It was never an issue prior to that, but she did move in knowing I snored and moved in knowing all the other issues she named when she left. She was frustrated that I didn't address the snoring earlier, but never communicated the severity of the situation. I had already made another appointment and am now working with my doctor to figure out what is going on. This process began before she left me. As others have said, all the issues she brought up were ones that you could work through and stay together. I did exhibit inaction to do that for many months which I am at fault for, and perhaps my neglect drove her away. I don't know. As for reaching out, I go back and forth between doing it or not. Part of me thinks if she really regretted this decision, she'd have already reached out to me. Another part of me knows that she's very shy and reserved and does not like to initiate or confront people, and if she did regret the decision, she'd be too scared to contact me because she knew she hurt me. I don't know what would hurt more - not contacting her at all and always wondering if we could reconcile or contacting her and either receiving silence, figuring out she blocked me, or having her react negatively.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (3 January 2021):
 I'm sorry to say OP that it sounds like this relationship is over, so i see no point in reaching out to her, and yes i think this is something you have to let go.
All seems a bit random to me, getting home from work and all her bags are packed. She has thrown a few reasons why she is abruptly leaving, but who knows if these reasons are valid, of if there is something else, or someone else. If you really liked and cared for someone you would stick around and make it work.
You need to forget reaching out to her and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): Snoring can be caused by being overweight.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2021):
OP, I would take this as a "the relationship is over". She wanted to move at a different speed than you, she wanted something ELSE, or should I say, SOMEONE else. (no one specifically, just NOT you).
My guess is she has stayed over at your place before she moved in, so she KNEW you snored, right? So the snoring is REALLY not the issue. The issue is that she wants something else. She is done, you didn't read her mind so she left.
You picked someone much younger than yourself, yes 7 years is a lot. Someone who might not quite know what she wants, where she wants to go etc. someone who has a lot of growing up to do.
Secondly, GO see your GP, talk about your snoring. You should be doing a sleep study. It can be SO many things, from being overweight, to heart issues to SO many other reasons, so GET it checked out. And don't take a lame suggestion of sleeping tablets as an answer.
You can't change her mind. You CAN accept that it's over and work on dealing with that. Not much else you can do.
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