A
male
age
36-40,
*asonras
writes:I need some input on this matter. I've been with this girl for 3 years. We live together, we love each other very much, and I am very committed to her. From the beginning of our relationship she has always maintained a friendly communication with her exboyfriend (her first real love). She would talk for hours with him on the phone. I did not have a problem with this at all. Actually I didn't even think twice about it. It has been 4 years since they were an item. Just recently she has started to hang out with him and her old friends. No longer is there relationship confined to a phone or chat rooms. Now they hang out at his place till 1 am in the morning. I'm never invited, however, I DO NOT want to be invited at all. In my mind he is a complete loser. He has never gone to school, is a serious stoner and drinker, and doesn't really have a job. My girlfriend's ex and her friends can't spend an hour together without getting high. I find it silly that friends can't enjoy each other's company unless their minds are numbed. Just doesn't seem right.So I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable that she is spending time with him, especially since I think he is a poor influence. I do not approve of getting high and it baffles me that my GF would want to be in that kind of environment. Should I feel threatened/neglected/uncomfortable with the progression of her relationship with her ex? I had no problem with her harmless conversations over the phone or chatroom. But now I feel that it has progressed to something where they spend close one-on-one communication, drink and get high. He is such a loser part of me is just angry that she would want to hang out with someone like that.I have told her that it makes me uncomfortable and that I am not sure if my feelings are justified or not. She says I should not be jealous and that she will not change her relationship level with him for me. I feel there may be a double standard here. I am fairly certain she would fee threatened if I hung out with my exgirlfriend regularly. Hell, she was even jealous when I hired an attractive female worker at my company (i am the manager). Let me know what your opinions are and if my feelings are justified.
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chat room, her ex, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): speak to her about it would probably be the adult option..be honest and open and you'll soon know in your heart if she still wants a relationship with you she needs to stop being like that and respect you more! x
A
male
reader, dasonras +, writes (23 January 2009):
dasonras is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am fairly certain that she is not cheating on me. Don't ask me how exactly I believe this. Secondly, I really don't believe in fighting fire with fire. I am not convinced that "giving her a dose of her own medicine" is a healthy way to confront the issue.
I'm glad to hear that some of you feel that it is in fact an "issue." I've been trying to convince myself that I am wrong to feel uncomfortable about this.
I am a "type A" personality who thinks things out very carefully before doing them. I am very organized and rational. With those qualities its typical for someone like me to come off as "controlling." I am very conscious of this potential and do not want to seem like I am controlling who she can and cannot hang out with.
Do you think that I may be too controlling? And if not, how do I deal with this situation without coming accross as being a controlling boyfriend.
Regardless, I truly feel there is some double standard in place here.
A few things I've found interesting when looking at other related posts and talking to close friends about this: hands down, all males will say that my gf is wrong and that I should get out now. Younger women say that my gf is doing nothing wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. Older women (and married women) will say that my gf is wrong and that in a relationship "it's just something you shouldn't do." Kind of like an unwritten social rule. Regardless, I am still lost on how to assess the situation. Perhaps, maturity is a factor in all this?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): Mah! Are you kidding me. She is cheating on you. Your the provider and he is the lover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): yes
she is completely not caring about your feelings. bit of a hypocrite she sounds..
doesnt seem like she deserves you =( or at least she needs some kind of wake up call. i would chat to her and if that fails then distance yourself and start flirting with other women and see how she reacts
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