A
female
age
36-40,
*atianaAmira
writes:My boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up. Four years ago was the darkest time in my life. I met my current boyfriend and his best friend and ended up sleeping with both of them when my current boyfriend was helping me out of a horrible situation I was in at the time. By sleeping with his best friend, I betrayed him. Even though we weren't together at the time, what we had was really special and we were falling in love. He moved away and a year later I told him about the incident. He cast me out of his life. A year after that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited and said yes. I have been the best girlfriend I can be. Upon getting together he brought up the past with me sleeping with his best friend. He thought perhaps he could work through it. A year and a half later the past still bothers him. Now we are on the verge of breaking up because while he loves me, he cannot fall in love with him due to his feelings with the past. He cannot go even one day without the past bothering him. He wants to be with me. I want to be with him. However, he doesn't know how to get over these feelings. He has heard many times, "just get over it" and "focus on the present and the future" none of it helps because he cannot fight the feelings. Is there any advice on how to get over this or did I ruin my true love by a stupid mistake that I deeply regret?Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): I hate to tell you this but there is no hope of him ever getting free of the hurt. Zilch.
These things never go away. The more he cares about you the more intensely he'll feel it. Some people eventually claim that they've gotten past it but it's not because the pain goes away. From what I've seen it really just means they've reached the point where there is no more benefit from discussing it further. Eventually the hurt person just stops talking about how much it still hurts them because they both know that there's nothing gained by rehashing it again and again.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 How long are you two going to keep living in the past. Forgiveness is the key, but in order for him to get there, he needs to release all this built up pain and frustration. The pain doesn't come from the act its self, it comes from visualization of the act. Looking at you, and his mind literally sees you with his friend.
During this exercise, you need to let him talk with no interruption. At this point it's about his healing, not about you or if your view is different. It'll be hard for you to, but keep calm and allow it to take place, so healing can begin. Sit down on the couch, and have him tell you everything he feels. You want to know, how this hurt him, how he feels about himself because of it. etc. The purpose of this is to release the "built up" pain. Then he'll be able to forgive you. Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it's accepting although this had happened.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Let me put it like this.
Would I ever get over a girl who had slept with a friend? -no.
Would I be able to reconcile that with a lady I was totally head over heels in love with? -no.
I'm sorry -it's something you probably don't want to hear.
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