A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My friend has really let me down and she doesn’t seem at all sorry.My daughter is on half term and she went to stay with her dad for the week, who lives 6 hours away. Anytime my daughter leaves, I miss her so much, I always organize things to do, to keep myself busy on the weekends - the week is fine as I work.I had organized for my friend and I to go for dinner and watch a theatre show Saturday night. The plan was she was to get to mine for 5.30 as we had dinner reservations at 5.45 and the show started at 7.30.I spoke to her the day before and she knew the plan.When 5.30 came she hadnt arrived. I tried calling and texting her with no luck. Of course I was getting worried incase something had happened.Just before 6pm she called me to tell me she was hungover as she had been at her sister in law’s birthday the night before and didn’t get in until the early hours and was feeling rough so she wasn’t going to be able to come to dinner or theater. Not once did she apologize- as she knew she had let me down big time.I don’t know why she had to get so drunk the night before, knowing we had plans. Or even she could have let me know earlier so I could have asked someone else. Of course I had to cancel dinner and I couldn’t find anyone one go with me to the theatre as it was so short notice. I had wasted money on tickets and ended up sat in my own with nothing to do. I’m also shocked as she didn’t apologize for her actions. She found it funny- despite knowing how upset I get when my daughter leaves. Do i deserve an apology?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2023): Agree with honeypie. If your friend definitely agreed to meet you that evening for a meal and theatre, with no ifs or buts or hesitation she owes you for her ticket. That would also make her think twice about being so quick to say yes and changing her mind again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2023): I guess your friends have heard all about how you feel about your daughter and how she is the centre of your universe - they think you are obsessed and too reliant on her - and they are not that keen on being a substitute to fill an evening when daughter is not available. Why should they? The way you run your family life is down to you not them, they are not responsible for times you feel lonely.
I bet there have been lots of times when someone would have loved to speak to you or meet up with you but you did not want to know because precious daughter was around! Now you get a taste of your own medicine.
Yes it is wrong to agree to go and then cancel at last minute. But perhaps she did not really want to go in first place, perhaps she felt she had to agree and then preferred to get drunk the night before. Usually you get to know the character of your friends over time, so you would already know she is unreliable, fickle, changes her mind at last minute, drinks etc, none of that would have been a surprise.
If you do not know her that well then she is not really a friend anyway and not obliged to bother to help you out.
Because that is what she would have been doing. You buy her a ticket and she keeps you company for the evening in return. Fine if the person is into that sort of thing, but it sounds like she prefers doing other things.
Plenty of people have hobbies they do on their own. You should too.
I used to know a woman who was very much like you. She lived very near me. All she ever talked about was her precious daughter. You could see people's eyes glazing over and they wanting to walk off when she started again. She got it into her head she would meet up with a woman we both knew, another mother, but this woman refused to arrange anything with her because of how obsessed and boring she was.
When Christmas came up she wanted to spend all of the time she spent with us telling us about the huge effort she put into buying lots of presents for her daughter. You would hear about every move she made going to the shop, how this shop was out of stock, how the other one was a bit more expensive , and so on. Who cared?
She had a grown up son who had emigrated to USA. She would send him a lot of presents. In return he had to zoom once a week. None of that is love. She never wondered how come he preferred to emigrate where he could never meet up with her again. That is what often happens when a mother is too needy and clingy, it drives them away.
One of the things that everyone got sick of was that when daughter was around she would forget they exist. One time her best friend was very ill in hospital and she would not go or do anything at all, not a card, phone call nothing.
Because all of her thoughts were on precious daughter.
She saw daughter quite a lot, she spoke to her a lot, she had plenty from her anyway, but she would put people in a cupboard and leave them in there until daughter was busy
and then expect them to come out of the cupboard and put all of their thoughts and time into her... being at her beck and call.
Believe me, if you get together with someone and all you ever talk about is what you want and how you feel it soon wears thin. If you make them feel totally unimportant and just a substitute that is quite rude. Those people have feelings too.
Having a daughter is something most women can do - they lay on the bed and hey presto they get pregnant. Being grown up and sensible later is the hard bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2023): Sometimes people agree to do things to appease us when caught off-guard, or on the spot. People sometimes agree just to be agreeable, so not to hurt our feelings. They may unintentionally get our hopes up, to let us down. Attribute it to poor manners.
Surely she has done this before, if you've been friends for a long time. If this is the first and only time, you might be overreacting.
She isn't obligated to hangout with you, and you're making it seem as though her attendance was mandatory. Now lets give her benefit of the doubt; because we're getting only one side of this situation. If she's in the habit of giving-in to your whims at random; once in awhile, she's going to just decide not to worry herself about proving how dependable she is, and just let things happen as they may. Don't feel jealous that she had something to do other than spend time with you. She's keeping her life open for other opportunities and activities, and so should you.
I do agree, an apology is in order. I suspect your oversensitivity is born out of feeling rejected by your daughter; and her finding another place to enjoy herself, rather than being with you. That must have hit a sore nerve. Your friend failed to be a good substitute. Letting you down poured salt on the wound that was probably leftover from being disappointed with your daughter. You projected those feelings onto her!
If you feel you deserve an apology, and you need to get it off your chest; call your friend to specifically tell her how she hurt your feelings for canceling last-minute, and not bothering to call earlier to cancel. It came across like it didn't matter when she laughed it off. I must tell you, that at this point, it's long after the fact. You've already stewed on it. The delayed apology won't make things any better.
Get it off your chest, then get over it. Ask in the future to be given prior notice when she needs to cancel-out. You can also ask her if she has any other pending obligations, and to get back to you when she is certain she can make it. Things do happen unforeseen. Be a grown-up, and let it go. You're not the only one with a life. You may have more idle time on your hands, and may need to find other ways to enjoy yourself solo. You didn't mention if you're dating.
You can't always rely on people like clockwork. They will cancel, run late, or stand you up. If you're best-friends, you'll make room for such things. If it's done out of blatant inconsideration, and frequently; then reassess the value and reliability of that person's friendship.
It's time to broaden your interests, make some new friends, plan things you can enjoy doing alone; and don't take it so hard that your daughter would rather spend time with her dad instead of you sometimes. It just seems you're taking it out on your friend; and you've blown it a little out of proportion. Not because she failed to apologize, but because it was bad-timing; when your feelings were a little hurt, because you'd rather have spent the time with your daughter, and she failed to be a reliable stand-in.
You didn't say your friend has a bad habit of standing you up, or that she is an unreliable person. I'm reading between the lines; and it just seems to me that your issue is with your daughter, and not the friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2023): Dependimg on your daughter this much will give her issues in adulthood. Get a hobby.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 February 2023):
 Your daughter going back to her dad's is not your friend's issue, it is yours.
While I REALLY get the "empty nester" feelings, you need to accept that this is part of life, your daughter is growing up, and learning to be independent, and SO should you! Other people don't OWE you to entertain you because you are on your own. That is YOUR job.
As for standing you up because she was drunk the night before? That is low. Especially when she had made plans with you that involved a dinner reservation AND tickets to a show. She would be reimbursing me if that was me. At least for her ticket as I would STILL have gone to the show if I had tickets. You could have gone to see the show by yourself. You are a WHOLe grown person. You don't NEED company, you wanted company (which I can totally understand) but in the end, YOU deprived yourself of an experience.
Do you "deserve" an apology? I'd say she OUGHT to apologize, she is OLD enough to know she messed up.
Would I have expected an apology? Yeah, kind of. So with that said, yes, you deserved to be treated with the kind of common manners from someone who you call a friend. That would include an apology and a refund for HER ticket. If someone commits to a plan, and then flakes they owe you the money you SPEND on that ticket.
Is this something she has done before? Canceled last minute? Being inconsiderate?
Also, if you feel extra lonely when your daughter is not there, find a hobby to keep your mind off it. Accept that there will be times when friends can't entertain you. That there will be times it's ALL up to you.
Maybe consider TRYING to go to a movie or a show solo. I know it sounds "scary" but it's actually quite nice. That was you don't HAVE to rely on friends all the time.
Your friend sucks. Did she even WANT to go?
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