A
male
age
36-40,
*ememememememe
writes:Okay guys and gals, here's one I'm confused on. The background will take a minute. All about me: I'm a 28 year old guy and the last time that I was really involved (ie. relationship) was when I was 20. My adult life I've dated a lot of women, but none have stayed around for longer than, hmmm, say 3-4 weeks. I'm not much of an eye sore -- there are better looking guys out there for sure, but I get much more attention from strangers than any of my friends -- I've been told I'm an intimidating type of smart (I'm a physicist/mathematician working on the deep questions), and I've been told that I'm "the most interesting person [some people have] ever met" recently by a couple of my college students. (Also, in 3 of the four last times I taught this course, I was asked out post-grading by a student.)Okay, on paper, you're probably thinking that either I seem great, really cocky, or really arrogant. At least, looking back over what I just wrote, I can only imagine people are gonna be like, "so what's the problem?" The problem is precisely that I don't know what the problem is. Every time I get involved with a girl, they inexplicably disappear, somewhere around the third week. They don't just pop out of existence entirely, but rather become evasive/flaky/break up. Now, the weirdest part is that about 75% of the time they -- just as inexplicably -- pop back in and out of my life for apparently no reason. I might get something like, "I really don't think we should see/talk to each other anymore" at one point and then, 1-3 months later, "hey, do you want to get together?" For the life of me, I don't know what's going on and it's been happening for years now. I'm not flirtatious with other women and I can't imagine a woman I'm dating feels insecure about her status with me.Anyone have any ideas about what *could* be the problem or anyone have good questions to ask to help me figure out what it is?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I think you should do a self analysis with aid of a counsellor. Dig deep into yourself as well as talk to a few past GFs to see where things 'broke' down.
I suspect the not so good with social cues and sarcasm (which sometimes in the wrong hands can be more hurtful than mirthful) could indicate to women you are insensitve, judgemental, narcissistic and could paint yourself as self motivated.
An uncaring man, that is not tender, thoughtful, mindful of a woman and cannot read when to be tender with her over sarcastic and distant, aloof can apprear non supportive and non loving and therefore, not really long term material.
Just a thought.
;)
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Mr mememe,
For the life of me" that was funny...
I wish I could give you an answer. In the early stages of dating all girls want from the new guy is attention and meet as many times as they can. Seems like you do that.. Why don't you become friends with one of them and truly ask them why? Someone that you don't have feelings anymore, feel that you can trust and ask straight out.... One of these women will be the best way to find out why...
Good luck
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A
male
reader, mememememememe +, writes (16 December 2011):
mememememememe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChalice -- So, I don't need to take the AQ test, I've done it before. I typically land borderline Aspie. My interests/aptitudes tend to fall on the aspie side of the spectrum, social responses/etc. tend to fall more normal. (I'm rather sarcastic, understand facial expressions, etc. But, I have difficulty with particular social situations, find small talk impossible, etc.)Maverick -- (1)I treat everyone pretty much the same, at least insofar as conversation/etc is concerned. I'm not at all romantic, but I am rather affectionate towards girls that I'm seeing. That being said, it's physical, not verbal, and it's not particularly showy. I don't think that, by any means, it's unnoticeable however it might be less than most girls are accustomed to. (2)As I said, I'm rather sarcastic and I have a somewhat dark sense of humor. I deliver every joke dead-pan, but I'm joking 99% of the time. Even when I'm having a serious/deep conversation, I slip jokes in constantly. That being said, I don't do small talk and really only appreciate deeper topics.(3)When I said dating for 3 weeks, I meant like actually "dating" not just messing around with or going out on dates with, so sex is happening in the sex category. It's usually pretty good and the other parties have typically told me they're very pleased without being prompted.(4)Anything. This has gone very different ways. Once a former student ran into me at a bar and asked me out, she turned out not to be as young as I'd expected, so that lasted for a bit. Other times it has been girls I've met through friends, etc. Almost never is it someone I meet at random. As I said above, I don't really do small talk, so strangers are difficult for me.(5)Looks -- my preference is for cute girls (not hot, girls you want to cuddle not necessarily tear the clothes off of) and ones that tend to dress in something of a sophisticated fashion. Me, I tend to dress in anything from European fashion to alternative fashion. (I grew up in the punk scene and something of it has always stuck with me.) As for education, I try to stick to college-minimum, but I really prefer to date girls with or working on an advanced degree of some sort. (I have more than those that might be obvious from my self-portrait above and in some pretty diverse things, not strictly science/math.)(6)Not a huge age gap. I usually won't dig down below 25 unless I think there's good reason to. (More than just something physical.) I tend to relate better to girls older than me, but since I look younger than I am it's difficult to make that happen. (7)Since this is the girl I'm dating, I spend a lot of time with her during this period. Maybe every other day? Once things have gotten to this stage, at least a few days a week. I'm not especially clingy, but I do enjoy the company of the girl I'm dating.It's also baffling that they continuously pop back into my life. I suppose I could understand that maybe I'm doing something that just makes them dislike me, but I have no idea why they would come back out of nowhere, and this happens often.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): May I please suggest you do the following quiz?
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
*rubs hands together* Here we go:
- How are you around your gf/fling in these 3 weeks? Romantic, Neutral, etc? By neutral I mean like how you'd treat friends.
- Are you affectionate? Both verbally and physically (not just sex for the latter)
- What subjects do you talk about? Is it mostly deep stuff or is there room for humor too?
- what's happening in the sex category?
- How do you get together? Is it a quick hookup or something that develops over time? Or something in between?
- What kind of women do you date? (general description of education, attitude, looks, wardrobe, etc.)
- Is there an age gap?
- How often do you meet up with her in these 3/4 weeks?
Here are some questions to start out with that can give more insight in the situation, for I, like you are currently clueless about why this is happening.
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