A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm sorry to post the same question again but i'm not listed as a follwup so no one saw what I wrote. But now I am logged in.I put the question I asked and the answers I got and my followups:My husband's brother is literally the nicest guy I have ever met. He's is genuinely sweet and nice to me when no one else is. I have never in my life been treated so well by someone, not by any friends not by and family members. I've never had a true friend to care about me. (I'm not comparing him to my husband though).The things he does and the kindness of his heart blows me away sometimes! I have the best time talking to him and hanging out with him...I just want to know, is it ok? Is it ok that some of the sweet things he says and does make my stomach feel weird and happy? Is it ok that I love being around him talking to him and chatting with him online?He's the most moral guy I know so he would never do anything or try to do anything behind my husband's back, and I would never either, but I haven't been this pleased with another person in a really, really long time. Is it ok that I feel this way or am I crossing some sort of line?A female reader, sunnycomet Canada + ?, writes (20 October 2009):sunnycomet agony auntJust be careful. It's ok to be fond of him and think of him as a caring friend. Anything else is treading dangerous waters. ............................... A female reader, marriedlady United States + ?, writes (20 October 2009):marriedlady agony auntyou are getting awfully close sweetie. This is the way it starts...it seems innocent, but feelings start to grow and he replaces your husband as your 'best friend'. Keep a little reserve and space there for the sake of all three of you. Good luck and be careful. ............................... A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009):It depends on what your intentions and topics of conversations are. He IS your family now and it's not a bad thing to develop a relationship with your new brother-in-law. I have talked with my BIL a LOT in the past but it was all about the way he and my husband were raised so I could get a second viewpoint to understand my husband better. NEVER any sex/flirty talk or anything like that. But feeling talk - like how it hurt my felings when my hubby got angry with me - etc.If it's appropriate then don't sweat it. If it's not appropriate RUN AWAY! An entire family feud could begin! Can you imagine your MIL reading every email you've sent her OTHER son that you're NOT married to?!! If you cringe at the thought, clean up your act quick! Good Luck! ............................. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009):I think maybe there has been a misunderstanding.I don't feel anything for him... i dont like him as anything more than what he is t me, i'm jus wondering, if it's ok to be this close to another male, and to enjoy the company of one so much.Or to be so conforted by him when my husband is not available.I feel like people should ony seek confort is their spouse, and only be in need of their spouse, but sometimes, when i'm really upset, I want to talk to him, not my husband. Often times, my husband is the one upsetting me, but i don't tell his brother what's wrong, he ijsut tell him i need to talk and be happy. He doesn't kow any of our problems..I just feel weird enjoying his brother's company so much.And when he says something nice my stmomach drops, like "aw."I would never ever do anything even if i did for some reason get feelings for him.I just don't know if it's ok to feel tis way.. i mean is itOK to want to be with him? (iin his company, not in a relatinship) ...................................A male reader, GrimmReality United States + ?, writes (20 October 2009):GrimmReality agony auntYoung lady,The fact that you are asking this question at this forum is answering your own question.Yes you are pushing the envelope. I suggest you rethink this because its innocent things like this that end up being a movie of the week with a less than happy ending.The time you have spent thinking about your husband's brother is time you could have spent rediscovering why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. .............................My followup:No, we've never spoken about anything bad at all. The only reason I would cringe is because no one knows how unhappy I am except him and I try to hide feeling sad so I wouldn't want her to know that I am not filled with rainbows all day.We've never flirted or talked about sex at all. Plus he's a virgin. He doesn't do anything more than kiss someone he's not married to so there's no way we'd do anything physical. I don't have romantic feelings for him, I just want to make sure it's ok that I really, raelly like him and care about him. He said he cared about me but I never said the same to him. It's a friend thing i'm positive...but you are all right.. I will back off. He invited me to church with him next week so after that I will keep my space. Thank you all so much. My husband is gone so I can imagine geting to dependent on him emotionally. thanks again.I don't feel anything for him... i dont like him as anything more than what he is t me, i'm jus wondering, if it's ok to be this close to another male, and to enjoy the company of one so much.Or to be so conforted by him when my husband is not available.I feel like people should ony seek confort is their spouse, and only be in need of their spouse, but sometimes, when i'm really upset, I want to talk to him, not my husband. Often times, my husband is the one upsetting me, but i don't tell his brother what's wrong, he ijsut tell him i need to talk and be happy. He doesn't kow any of our problems..I just feel weird enjoying his brother's company so much.And when he says something nice my stmomach drops, like "aw."I would never ever do anything even if i did for some reason get feelings for him.I just don't know if it's ok to feel tis way.. i mean is itOK to want to be with him? (iin his company, not in a relatinship)And also, in response to anonymouse female, I do mention my hub to him and he'll ask about him sometimes but we don't discuss him in detail because we're having some problems right now adn I don't discuss my marital problems with anyone because I don't want to talk about my husband like that you know.. i wouldn't want to tell people he did this and that.. I don't want anyone to look at us differently then a happy married couple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't really have complete control over any situation. That's why I wanted to ask if I needed to take control of this one. To see if others thought it could get out of hand and as you confirmed, of course it can. We can control our actions but not our emotions. The only way to keep them in place is to distance our selves from foreign inturuptions, so that's what i'll do. I desperatly want to see my husband and if I had the choice, I would chose him over and over and over again. I won't compare him to my husband. I'll gladly say that he's the nicest guy I know, but that excludes my husband. After seeing everything you all have written for terms under which this situation is ok, I think I will be fine. And you're right, I shouldn't hide in corners. I don't want to be miserable, which is what I have been. Thank you so much for you dedicated answer. I love that you took time from your day. I think I'll start answering questions on this site as well. It seems like a good place to be.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (21 October 2009):
 If you have a long distance marriage, you are not supposed to stay in one corner of the house, sobbing and sighing, for all the time your husband is away. It is fine to socialise, to have friends, to be happy, you will even have what to narrate to your husband at his return. The problem begins when you start seeing your brother in law as a better man than your husband... when you don't miss your hubby, when you prefer spending time with the brother and not the husband, even if you don't talk about personal problems. This shouldn't make you feel guilty, it is just an indicator of the fact your marriage may not be at its best and you should do something to keep it fresh and prevent a decline in your marriage, despite of all difficulties implied by a long distance relationship; it is important to read more about LDRs to see the common problems a couple faces in this type of relationship and from what angles to approach them. In your case I see an insufficient communication, for instance, and a bond that can be made stronger and smooth the way during your bad times. You didn't mention clearly initially how much time you spent with the brother so I chose to see the worse variant. If you can view him as a brother that is fine, but just as all others have told you, sometimes what seems innocent can easily turn into something more, which in this case is not desirable, but you seem to think you have total control on the matter and I hope this is indeed so for the sake of all three involved. My advice is to start focusing on the problems in your marriage and how to solve them with your husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate that, but I think i have mislead you.
I don't spend very much time with him and I don't speak with him very often. It's just that when i do, I have a lot of fun.
Also, I don't tell him anything my hussband has done wrongly. He knows i'm unhappy adn that's all he knows. He doesn't even know that the marraige is a problem. I just tell him i'm upset and start a subject to talk about. i don't shareour mraital difficulties with anyone. I would feel like i was talking badly about my husband behind his back.
I thought I said that, but that may have been the one i was going to write and then the page messed up and i didn't bothering redoing it.
But no, only me and my hub know what's goign on. And the reason I don't talk to him is because he is gone. And i talk to him twice a week if i'm lucky.
His brother is single and he spends a lot of time playing hard to get with a girl he likes and I help him with it when I can. He asks me about it and tells me about it. I wish she would leave him alone... she's not nice enough for him.. anyway,
I only see him twice a month. I don't spend oodles of time with him but when i do, i have a genuinly good time. I feel bad though, because i dont think i'm supposed to have a happy time with someone besides my husband and that is what i'm asking about. please help me with that. I don't have the right to be happy without him..right?
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (20 October 2009):
I will make a few points here. Firstly, regarding "no one knows how unhappy I am except him". If you are unhappy (in your marriage, it is evident), instead of telling the brother, why don't you tell the husband - so that he knows there is a problem and that he can do his best to fix it together with you, presuming the matter IS fixable. You also mention the brother is currently single, so some of the time he spends with you would perhaps be much better spent in trying to find a suitable partner, as you already supposedly have found one - a fulfilling sentimental life is desirable for all of us, isn't it? What happens sometimes with people that are somewhat unexperienced is that you start to picture relationships that can't concretise, as this one, as ideal and exceptional. You are already putting this man on a pedestal, and that is the place your husband should be and where you should be with him, happy together and above all others. The truth is you feel comfortable with the brother but you don't know him very well, sometimes it just happens that you don't know the people with whom you have been living for years, be them relatives or spouses or others. So just as you have been advised, try to not cross the lines and maintain a wise distance. It is not appropriate that you are not giving your husband the chance to make it up to your for what he has done wrong, and in those moments you prefer talking to the brother instead of him. This is a very dangerous territory. If you care about your marriage and wish to make it work, better the communication with your husband and try to be each other's best friend if possible, that gives a relationship much strength and depth and I consider this aspect extremely important, it can really help you if your lover/husband is also a close friend, through all of your good and bad times. It also does not matter much whether it's wrong to love your BIL's company, but rather how the situation evolves. Once he finds a partner, what I think would be more interesting is a double date, him bringing along a new partner and you being accompanied by your husband, two happy couples on an evening out in town, how would you like that? But your focus now should be to work on the weak areas in your marriage, this should hopefully pay off at one point in time in a closer and stronger relationship with your hubby.Best wishes.
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