A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Boyfriend said he wants me to meet his parents next weekend and I am scared. We have been together now for 6 months and this is the first time he has suggested this.He said to me to not be bothered by his Mother. I asked him what he meant and he said she can be opinionated but I am not to be bothered. When I asked more he said I was not to let her get to me. So now I am worried.My family do not live here they live in another country.He told me his Dad will be OK with me. And that his dad does not say much but observes.I thought I might take his mother flowers but he said no as his mother thinks flowers give her hayfever. Glad I asked. So I said what about chocolates and he said no because his mother watches her weight.I dont want to make a complete fool of myself but already I am getting scared about meeting his family. He has met my father when my father visited me briefly. And that was really relaxed. At the time my boyfriend commented that he liked how calm my father is and how well my father and I get on.So now I am wondering what sort of tension I am letting myself in for next weekendShould I take a gift? and what sort of gift?And how do I behave so that I can get on well with both his parents?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): At risk of making things worse rather than better, a couple of things you say are things that I recognise from a previous relationship in which the mother was very dominant over the men - her husband and her sons. Maybe I am reading too much into the situation, and there is not necessarily anything to worry about, but you may want to keep an eye on the mother/son dynamic - my hunch is that what underlies her 'pickiness' and 'opinionated' ways could be the need to feel that no-one is threatening her matriarchal rule. The worst thing you could do would be to threaten this but also I'd say be careful not to be a complete pushover and act all subservient. If you do the latter, it could cause problems further down the line, as dominant women like to take over, even in their son's relationships.
Your boyfriend's reaction to your gift suggestions is quite telling - in some families, even if the mother had hayfever, she would really still be grateful that you even thought to bring anything and the whole family could laugh off the fact that your gift may make her sneeze - it doesn't sound like this kind of scenario at all, and you are right to feel a bit tense already - the vibe that you are picking up on is that you will be judged and you probably will be. However, bear in mind that there is a sense in which, if this 'judging' does turn out to be the case, it is actually very little to do with you personally and she would be this way with anyone - if she is the dominant kind she will be more focused on maintaining her power over the men in her family and anything that she says to you that is weird or unpleasant or picky is more about maintaining this dynamic than it is about you as such. So, if this turns out to be the way that it is, I'd suggest bearing with a lot of what she says and does but also simply be assertive if it gets too much - she may start 'pushing' to see how far she can go and it sounds like none of the men around her will pull her up on it at all, so you may have a tricky time just being assertive, but don't be too eager to over-please her either. Just go with the attitude that this is a normal thing that couples do after a while and that you are happy to meet them - if anything weird happens in terms of her behaviour, keep this 'norm' in the back of your mind and try to keep it all flowing that way. Hope this helps - and I may be completely wrong on this one, she may be lovely...
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 If it's not until next weekend it's good that you are already thinking things through in advance now, and not Leaving these things until it ishalf an hour before you are due to visit.
And it seems you really want to take a gift even though your first two choices were a no.
Ask your Bf a little more about his mother, what she like and does not like.
Guys often think a gift is not required. But his Mother sounds like she has firm views that she expresses. She may not be as formidible as her son portrays. But then again she may be just that.
An appropriate gift, that can grace the table, such as C.Grant suggested might delight everyone. If you buy a wine then get some advice from the retailer on which wine might suit the greatest number of people (since you can't ask what's on the menu, in advance)
Alternatively a potted fern (no flowers on a fern) nicely wrapped with a ribbon around the pot might also be welcome, depending on what you can discover over the following week from an occasional query slipped into the conversation with your Bf over the next few days..
Count to ten and tell yourself that they will love you, - that might settle your nerves. And your Bf will be there to help things go smoothly.
And if flowers bother his mother then you may as well dispense with perfume for you on the day, in case his mother is sensitive to scent as well.
Be your natural nice self, dress appropriately - something you know looks feminine and pretty.
And as everyone said, bring your manners.
I am sure it will go very well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Ohhh meet the parents time.
Sometimes our kids dont quite see us the way we really are so dont read too much into what your boyfriend has said about his mother until you can judge for yourself.
If gifts have been ruled out, take your manners and try to be relaxed. Be like the boy scouts, prepared for anything. You may have a barrage of questions or you might get the silent treatment while you are being given the once over.
Good luck, it'd be great if you reported back to us about how it went!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 It's helpful that the two most common gifts, flowers and chocolates, have been ruled out. Lots of us are trained to not show up empty-handed, so good for you for scoping it out.
What sort of meeting is it? Is it tea in the afternoon, a meal at a restaurant, or a meal in their home? If one of the first two, the definitely just your mannners and subtle examples of your devotion to their son. It it's a meal in their home, then you could ask your b/f if they care for or appreciate wine. That's sort of your last hope as a gift for a first meeting.
In any event, be polite, let them know carefully that you love their son, and if you can do it subtly, acknowledge that he wouldn't be the love of your life without them.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Lucious L  +, writes (27 October 2012):
Firstly I gotta say: CALM DOWN :) any person can see you so nervous about meeting his parent and it's not a bad thing at all. I notice that your boyfriend has been rejecting your ideas, is it because he thinks a gift is unnecessary or was it just a co-incidence that you suggest the things his mom is not keen about? I'd advise you to first ask your boyfriend if it's appropriate for you to bring a gift along- he knows his mom better so his opinions matter- after you get a go ahead from him you guys could brainstorm ideas together and if you get the time maybe go pick it out together too. All the best*
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 His mother sounds like the picky kind, so maybe a gift isn't the best idea.
The only thing you can do is be yourself, and relax. Make sure you have manners, and just try and show them your personality.
If you feel you have a future with your boyfriend, then just think that you will have to get used to things like this, meeting his parents and stuff, and i am sure once you get it over with it will feel easier and easier everytime.
If your not his mothers cup of tea, than thats just her opinion, aslong as you are as polite as you can be and just be yourself than thats the best you can be.
Meeting someones parents for the first time, is always hard, but i wish you the best of luck, and just remember relax :)
Good Luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): By the sound of it the best thing you can do is bring your manners, just tell them that your pleased to meet them and you look forward to getting to know them better. It sounds like your boyfriend is worried about how his parents will behave, he is probably worried that they will make a bad impression or embarrase him! relax and be yourself, save the gifts for when your on more familiar terms with them so you will have more of a chance of buying a gift they will like.
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