A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, ok so I'm in a pickle and I have to solve it by tonight, which unfortunately doesn't leave me much time.From May til November I was constantly trying to be rid of my ex-bf. He was verbally abusive, lied about everything and I was sick of. For 6 months he kept hounding me about it but I kept telling him that I didn't want that anymore, yet he still cries and pleads and wont give up. I don't want to be with him and I'm fine with that. A month ago I finally got it through his skull that he werent dating anymore, but he's still pushing to get back together even now.Problem? I expanded my horizons to try and be more social. I started talking to a guy online who seems to be really nice and I have a lot in common with. He asked me out dinner and a movie tonight a few days ago. I said cuz it seemed ok. Well I woke up just now this morning absolutely terrified about it. My trust was shattered by the ex and I'm now having these visions of "well what if this guy is just like that, or what if he just wants to go out with me cuz he's going to try and get sex, or what if..." I have a thousand things going through my head right now and I am so nervous now I don't even want to go...and I don't get why? He hasn't given me any indication of being like my ex but I dont know.What should I do? This date is supposed to be tonight! Oh and he says he will pick me up but then I'd be at his mercy and couldn't leave if I wanted to. Should I be bold and just be like "oh can I meet you there?" And does anyone know why I am so terrified to go on my first date in years (I was with my ex for 3yrs and he has been my only bf). Or is 7 months away from the ex too fast? I'm not trying to rebound, I was excited about it at first... now I'm not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone!
I wanted to say thanks for your advice. I told him I'd prefer to meet him at the restaurant instead of picking me up and he had no problem with that which was good. I was pretty skeptical and my stomach was still in knots.
He was sort of nervous like me so I took that as a good thing because my stupid ex in the beginning was not shy at all and he was so over-confident and cocky it felt strange. This guy wasn't like that at all.
I totally eat my words! He was such a sweetheart, and we had an awesome night. We both wanted to see each other again and did yesterday. He kissed me this time and it was so cool to actually feel that "firework" type sensation that I never really thought I'd ever feel again. Things are going great with him right now.
My only problem is my ex...once word gets out about this he will try to sabotage it. He will try to message this guy lies and whatever else he can think of to try and get me back. What do I do about that problem?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): If you were with your ex for 3 years and you haven't had the luxury of no contact with him, then 7 months is going to feel too early to start dating for you, you are still hurting more than you even realize....I know, I broke up with my ex almost 10 months ago after a 2 year relationship and I still don't feel ready to date.
However, I think if you have this opportunity, you should force yourself to go....practice makes perfect as you say.
You are not obligated to your new date for anything, not even a second date!
I agree with Sister there in that you should tell him that you are not comfortable with him picking you up and would prefer to meet him there. You don't have to go into a lengthy explanation or apologize, just state your preference. That way if either one of you feels awkward or is not enjoying the date, you can get in your car and leave, no pressure to stay and stick it out.
Some tips for your first date. Smile and be friendly, do not talk at all about your ex or that you broke up with someone or that you were in a long term relationship. No one wants to hear that stuff on a first date! Instead talk about your family in generalities, where you grew up, your hobbies and interests, your career if you have one and ask him lots of questions about the same and let him answer you. People love to talk about themselves so if you are nervous, let him do most of the talking! Thank him for the date and if you liked him, tell him that you hope you can do this again. Guys always appreciate a thank you, and you can even offer to go dutch and let him decide if he wants to accept that or not, if he wants to pay, let him.
I hope you have fun, and I hope you click with him. I really need to force myself to go out on a date, too, it is hard and I understand, but I think it would make me feel a bit better about myself, too. So stop worrying and take a little control and have fun! Sounds like you deserve it.
If your ex won't leave you alone, change your phone number and email address, don't leave the door open at all, men love to have an open door so they can change their mind and come back...you know for certain you don't want that, so lock the door and throw away the key! You don't owe him anything, not even to be nice!
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A
female
reader, Shan25  +, writes (5 December 2009):
why not make your date a little earlier. starts at 5 and ends by 10 always bring extra money just in case you need a taxi or he claims he does not have enough always be prepared you never know and tell a friend exactly where you guys are going and his license plate number and have fun and be yourself
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 December 2009):
Easy there! It's your first date in three years, and you were hurt. Of course you're nervous! But the worst thing you can do is assume this guy you're meeting tonight is going to be like your ex. Let him pick you up. You can always get a taxi. Just take it slow with this new guy. You don't have to do anything other than go out with him and get to know him. You'll feel better when you're on the date and a bit more settled. You're going to be fine. This new guy isn't your ex.
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