A
female
age
36-40,
*rinitygrace
writes:My fiance of two years (we've been together a total of 7.5 years and have a two-year-old daughter together) recently told me that he never wants to get married. He proposed on New Years 2008 right when the ball dropped. That summer we had some problems and split up for a month but got back together and ever since we have been fine. It's going on 2 years since our short split. He told me he doesn't want to get married because of seeing what his brother went through with his ex wife. His ex wife is taking his brother to court for both of their children, alimony - everything. When asked why she is doing this by my fiance's brother, she replied "Because I can." She's a real witch and is treating my fiance's brother very wrong. My fiance is seeing this and is very hurt for his brother, as he should be. But when I asked him the other day when we were going to get married and if he would set a date, he replied that he wasn't ever getting married because I'm just like any other woman and would divorce him and take him for full-custody and everything he has. What should I do? I am at a cross-roads. I am in the midst of getting my master's degree in teaching and will be making considerably MORE income than him when I get a teaching job. I will not have to take him to court for child support. I told him this, but he doesn't believe me. I love him so much and we have a wonderful family with our daughter but I'm sick of waiting and being compared to that witch of an ex sister-in-law of his! It just isn't fair. What should I do?
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, fiance, got back together, his ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): Well I do believe that some of the reason why he is acting this way is because he's a cop. He honestly NEVER used to treat me like this before he got into this line of work. I have joined an online community called policewives.org for wives/fiances of police officers. I'm hoping this will give me some support. We did have a heart-to-heart tonight and he said to me he didn't think of me as low as his ex-sister-in law, but he did say that he is scared of marriage because of all the stuff he sees at work and what happened to his brother and his parents as well. My parents were divorced and you don't see me scared of marriage. I guess that's the difference between me and him. I am also not in a line of work that he is in either. I deal with teenagers all day; he deals with criminals all day. I'm not trying to make excuses for him; I'm just trying to understand him better because I truly do love him. If down the line I keep showing him that I am not going to leave and take him for everything (which is nuts because he doesn't even have much) and he still refuses to marry me, I will have no choice but to move on. I am a fairly attractive and smart young woman and would have no problem finding a nice guy if that happened. Thanks for all of your posts. They really have helped! Sometimes it's good just to vent!
A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Whilst I'm personally not that driven to get married- I would be VERY hurt and offended if after having proposed to me, my fiancé that withdrew his proposal for these reasons!
Please think through what he is saying to you here about how very lowly he thinks of you! You're supposed to be the love of his life!
I suggest that you give him a break of perhaps a few weeks to think through what he really wants. You cannot let your partner retract his marriage proposal and 'genuinely' tell you he thinks you're going to leave him and take him for all of his money and just carry on as though everything is normal!
You've done absolutely nothing to deserve this, and have even been generous enough to offer him compromises in spite of his inappropriate accusations.
In addition to this, I'm sure that you know that marriage will not solve any stagnant relationship- it will only commit you both to staying in that same stagnant relationship- which may even amplify the issues.
Do not accept any half-baked proposals, and do not stay with ANYONE that accuses you of such atrocities with absolutely no foundation. State your position clearly and give him time away whilst he thinks through his decisions with regards to this, since he seems to be reacting so irrationally.
But do NOT marry unless you both feel happy and cared for, as well as understood and respected by one another.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): tjazzy -
While my main motivation is not my biological clock, but my love for him, I do want to get married before I would have more children. I do truly love him and want us to work out. Even if we didn't have any more children, I would be truly happy. I am 26 years old, and I do have my whole life ahead of me. It's not just the whole "I want more kids thing and I won't have more kids with you before we are married."
It's because I want us to take our relationship to the next level and that next level would be marriage. I feel our relationship is stagnant. It is not going anywhere and I am not happy with where it is going - which is nowhere.
If he doesn't realize how important my dream is for marriage, than I will have no choice but to move on and pray that someday I'll realize my dream. If I don't ever get married to a caring guy, than so be it. I have been blessed enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (18 January 2010):
He sounds like a spoilt brat , while you sound as if your biological clock is your main motivation to get hitched. Sounds like a bad combination because you'll end up constantly hearing him say "Well it was you who wanted to get married" My advice? Take a walk lady. You've got your entire life before you and you deserve to be married to someone who actually considers you unique.
...............................
A
female
reader, trinitygrace +, writes (18 January 2010):
trinitygrace is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Celiaatta: You are exactly right. I do want a man who will stand up for me and base his opinions on past evidence and not generalizations of others. It is unfair how he is treating me, but soon I'll be able to earn enough to stand on my own feet and leave if he doesn't change his mind. I really don't think he's going to. It's horrible, but I really do love him. I can't imagine never being married. I have considered giving up on my dream of marriage and just staying with him because we have such a happy family together. But when I think of that I am not truly happy, you know? They say in relationship you have to make sacrifices. I don't know if this is the sacrifice I want to make. If I move on, is it being selfish?
...............................
A
female
reader, trinitygrace +, writes (18 January 2010):
trinitygrace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo CaringGuy: On top of all of this, he is also a police officer, so he sees court cases all the time concerning horrible custody battles.
To Carrot2000: I suggested a prenuptial agreement and he said they are mainly for negotiating material items. He said that the local courts throw out prenups if the woman wants them to be thrown out. He said if he did one thing that upset me that I could go to the judge and get the prenup agreement thrown out immediately. Like you said, another excuse.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 January 2010):
I have to say that it's very harsh of him to think that way. Sadly though, I do understand why he feels that way. He has just seen all his thoughts about marriage blown apart because of this sister in law of his. He now can't see any good in marriage because of it. He needs time to think about all this. It might be that he comes around as he moves forward. but to be honest, I don't think he will be able to look at marriage and be comfortable, because he's just terrified of it now. I'm afraid that's very sad, but I understand why. The question is can you live with him and not be married.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Inform him that you are not your ex sister in-law. Also tell him that there is such a thing as a contract you sign before marriage, that states who gets what if a divorce should happen. Tell him to make his claims in there, but to still marry you. It is wrong of him to make assumptions about you based on other women.
Although in the long run, do you want to be married to a man who lets his decisions be decided by what his brother experiences? Personally I'd like a man to stand up for his own views and meanings and not let the huge decisions of his life be conducted by others.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (18 January 2010):
 If after 7.5 years and a child this man still thinks of you as "any other woman" who would take him for everything he has, you may need to take a look at why you want to marry him in the first place. Not only is that an unfair characterization based on the behavior of his brother's ex, it also shows how he truly regards you.
Personally, I think he is just stalling and looking for an excuse to avoid marriage. Suggest a prenuptial agreement if he is worried about you cleaning him out, but don't be surprised if he comes up with yet another reason not to marry you.
...............................
|
