A
male
age
41-50,
*r. Dutch
writes:I am in a unique relationship as I am living with my fiance and our baby girl (6 weeks) and my fiance's bestfriend. A gay male. Now when I met my fiance she was living with this man, her gay friend. They met in the gay bar scene and are really close.When I met her she was having difficulties keeping a job and her friend was on disability. I fell in love with this girl and spent more than is right to take care of their needs ie: rent, bills, groceries, etc... My own mother did not agree with how I took care of my fiance and that she was living with this gay man. She has since passed away and did so not approving of my choice to be with my fiance. Now the problem that is really upsetting me is these two (fiance and her gay man friend) are inseperable.They don't drive, refuse public transit and she has no job, he has disability and I pay the rest. They love animals as do I so we have a Chameleon, bunny, and the gay man has over 10 fishtanks. My hobby of model railroading is on hold as we need a big house for the pets, more their choice than mine and because my fiance insists the gay man live with us forever as she put it its because of him I cannot enjoy my pastimes.So Christmas is coming and the man's mother lives out of town and my fiance has been emailing his mom for years as he is hiv+ and wasn't close with his family, she telling her that she takes care of him and that now they are doing better. Because they live with me, either have improved themselves ie get a job or drivers license etc.So I have friends that invite me and my fiance to dinners, nights out or just a visit and she always declines. Saying she has her baby and is fine being at home with her man friend. They have old friends in the city but don't keep in touch.The QUESTION: Obviously there are things here that are not in my favor or even giving me respect. Towards Christmas the gay man is going to see his mom out of town, my fiance wants to go and he wants her to. I am really bothered by this and am ok if she wants to go see friends, but the guy has no intention/motivation to find a relationship. I mean he has a wife in my fiance it seems. Hate it!I am mad that she shows no interest in meeting my friends or hanging with mine or my family, yet she wants to go see her gay man friends mom. He may be out of town for a couple days at his moms. Since a year ago he has not been gone out of the house for a night or even just an evening so my fiance and I could be alone together.My fiance wants to go away with him rather than spend alone time with me. Why? this is killing me! She says what would we do? why does it matter? I am saying she wants to go away and be alone with him and his mom, who will be dodding over her as a daughter for taking care of her son, which is not the case, they were struggling and I was there.Its like he is taking her home to see mom, you know as a guy does before they get married. I don't agree, she got mad and I said do what you want, but it isn't what I want. He should go see his family by himself.She will likely go and I told her maybe they should get out like don't come back. Really hurts me. Am i way out of line here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): I don't think you've really expressed how you really felt and you haven't mentioned the reasons why you don't want her going to his parents so it sounds like you are being controlling. Or explained what you think about the house situation. Have you told her that you think she doesn't give u as much attention as you give her? Have you told her you felt embarrassed as well? She shouldn't hate you for that since her friend means a lot to her as well.
Find someone new, he is a big part of her life, its either you accept him or leave it.
A
male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (5 October 2009):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told her that I did not agree with her "wanting" to go with him to see his mom and that my feelings about this matter should be her top priority. As her man I won't stand for this. She apologized for how it made me feel, yet said sorry, he (the man) is part of our family and he (the man) talks about me and my fiance to his parents all the time as the people in his life. She stated that he matters, that she has had correspondance with his mom and considers her a friend. She will go with him, she asked if I want to go? No, akward for me and she said I made her cry and that when I went to work he was crying that either I upset her and he got upset or that he heard that I don't want her going.
So since we began seeing eachother he has been there. I told her I would never buy a house as long as he is here, she gets upset. I said they could be friends just not living together, she gets mad.
I get humiliated by friends for my unique situation. Furthermore she does not go out of her way for me even after I essentially do whatever she wants. Help! I want to leave. I want to matter to someone the way I feel and the effort I put into others.
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A
female
reader, DxRad711  +, writes (29 September 2009):
 you are definatly not way out of line. My aunt is in the same situation she fell in love married this guy and and now they have a baby boy but he doesn't give either of them any attention. He just takes her car to his friends house spends her money and freeloads off her as if ten living with his mother.
But watching them I can tell its hard to let go of somthing you thought was great. And its hard to take you child away from her mother. But she is very much taking advantage of you. And so if her friend. And on top of that they seem tone very ungreatful of your help and soupport.
You won't be able to change her ways. So it would be wise to move on and just focus on your baby girl. And let meeting the right one come natrually
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): And you are still with this chick? Sounds like you will be married to her and her best friend at the rate you are going. Not to mention you are spoiling them rotten. I find it so hard to believe you reached "fiancée" with this girl. It's prolly out of the way for me to say this and you can even call me rude and disrespectful but your mother (rest her soul) had the right idea about this girl. She wanted the best for you, not something like this where you are just making yourself unhappy.
I don't know what you can do...he is already a part of her life and if he leaves the "circle" she will just get sad and blame you at every step of the way in your marriage. I don't know man but you need to make some serious decisions for yourself as well, not just make everyone happy by spoiling them. I honestly think you are being used and the baby girl is the glue she hopes will bind you to her/his will forever. For them to treat you like you don't exist is one thing, but wow you actually put up with this is amazing, and it beyond anything I would put up with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I hope the time will come when you will realize how ridiculous their behaviour is and I hope that time will come soon.
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A
female
reader, Paula4u  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Something isnot right, I feel you are being used for financial reasons and emotional reasons. I would get it confirmed that the child is indeed yours and than make arrangements to support it if it is. As for you fiance... sorry but time for either you leave, or make an ultimatum.
The whole story sounds like do you have mug .... written all over your face?
Goodluck my heart goes out to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): no u r definately not out of order.. at the end of the day your partner should want 2 be with you at times like christmas etc!! i would go mad if it was me + my partner.. this gay guy obviously means more 2 her than the relationship or else she'd be making the effort 2 please you!!
If i was you id give her an ultimatum.. either she gets her priorities straight or shes out... x
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