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anonymous
writes: I don't really know where to start. I feel like I am a complete phsyco. I have been with my partner for a year now but just can not trust him. He has never done anything to make me feel like this and deep down I think I do trust him but I can not help but fly off the handle at the slightest thing. For example he has a friend who is female and last night she text him asking why he hadn't been in touch with her, he refused to text her back and when I asked why he said she was going to moan at him. I started to feel my blood boil, my head pound and I couldn't breathe properly (this happens everytime I'm in a similar situation), I just started to think that there was something going on and he wanted to text her when I'm not around and if his excuse was true then I couldn't help but feel that she has no right to be mad at him after all I'm his partener. We had a massive argument which lasted hours. I have also refused to meet her because I can not trust myself to be nice or get jealous. I also hate it when he goes out with his friends or even goes to the local pub without me and I find myself almost causing arguments, I just can't stop thinking that he will cheat on me and I don't know why. I even hate him looking at women in magazines! and i constantly accuse him of looking at other women. Recently a girl sent a photo of herself to his phone and again I went crazy! he told me it was out of his control and he text her and told her not to do it as it wasn't fair on his girlfriend and then deleted the number from his phone (it was his female friends step sister!) I don't know how he has put up with this for so long. When I calm down I can see that I was over reacting. I have had previous relationships which have always ended with my ex-partners cheating on me, I don't know whether this has anything to do with this or not! I am becoming so depressed and it is starting to affect my working life as I am constantly thinking about this. I am normally a very kind and happy person and I still am with other people i'm a nurse and wouldn't be able to do my job if I wasn't. I also find that I'm not very tolerant with him anymore and snap for no reason. I would be grateful of your advice as I am worried that he will end our relationship and I love him so much and I know he loves me just as much. Could you also advise me of any help I could get. Thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2005): I am the same. When my boyfriend works late, when he goes out with his mates or goes anywhere without me, I get all paranoid and I'll text him. If I don't get a reply I'll text again and again until I do and then I'll call and get annoyed at him. I used to think this was rational and that he was to blame. He used to appologise to me and I'd accept it feeling happy with myself. Beleive me, I regret my actions.It took my boyfriend saying that he doesn't know if he loves me the same any more for me to realise how irrational I was behaving. Think back to the last time you went out with your girly mates. How would you feel if you had to check in with your boyfriend every half hour. How would you feel if it was him being so selfish. It would ruin your night and make you miserable. I've ruined 1 too many weekends or nights out for my boyfriend and I've pushed him too far.You need to sort this out. You are putting too much pressure on his shoulders by relying on him for your own self-confidence. Counselling may help you.I wish I could turn back time and have given my boyfriend more freedom. I've tried to tell him that I'll change and I truly will because I've realise how stupid I was but he's unsure if he believes me.Your partner is amazing for putting up with it so far. Don't push him over the edge and end up in the situation I'm in myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2005): Hi thereI really feel for you, i too was cheated on in a past relationship, i met someone 8 months ago, who is fantastic, and still i have these doubts, it takes over your life, i dont think i was as bad as you are tho.Your problem isnt that you dont trust him, its that you dont have faith and confidence in yourself, confidence to know that you are good enough for him, he wants to be with you, or else he wouldnt be, would he?? The secret is not to tar every guy with the sme brush, they arent all the same.You dont say how long you guys have been together, but the longer you are the more your faith will be restored. Meet these friends if thats what he would like you to do, then you will see that there is nothing for you to worry about and your mind can be put to rest.Put yourself in his shoes, imagine how it must feel for him to know that you are so untrusting of him, what eer he does will be wrong, and so therefore i have to agree with last reply, you will drive him away eventually if you dont stop.Do you have male friends, you must look at magasines with good looking guys in, its everyday life, and unless you walk around with your eyes closed there is nothing you can do about that.Chill out a little, and maybe on the nights he goes out with his friends, go out with yours or have some friends round, take your mind off what he is doing. Learn to deal with it, you both need your own time and space for this relationship to work.good luck
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 January 2005):
 Hi there,You're right that you're overreacting, and your worrying about him looking at pictures of women in magazines is beyond overreaction; it's irrational.Throughout your long letter you list all the things that you don't want your boyfriend to do because you're afraid that you'll lose him to someone else, but I have a different perspective for you: your behaviour is going to drive him away long before he runs off with another woman.If your b/f decided to become a complete doormat to your wishes, if he ave in to all your requests... he couldn't go out with his friends, couldn't receive texts on his own phone, couldn't have female friends (full stop) and couldn't read magazines, in case he saw a photo of a woman. It starts sounding really ridiculous when you list them all together, doesn't it?And if he were to do all these things for you, it still wouldn't be enough, would it? There would always be some nagging worry at the back of your mind that he doesn't really love you and that if you can just restrict his life and prevent him thinking of any other female, he'll stay.Or would he? No, maybe you'd better limit his exposure to other women just that bit more. Maybe if you make him wear a blindfold...I don't really mean to take the mickey out of you so strongly, but I want you to see that your actions are so controlling that it's becoming dangerously close to abuse. (In fact, if you were the man and your b/f was a woman, writing about the control issues, I'd be urging him to run away fast, before things get violent.)The problem is that you don't think you're loveable, so you don't trust him to love you. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you try to restrict him.So you need to examine your own feelings. Why aren't you loveable? What do you think is so bad about you that your b/f might be tempted away simply by seeing another female form? What about your good qualities, like your kindness to other people? Does your personality not count for anything? There's some reason that you're afraid that your b/f is going to desert you, and it probably doesn't have anything to do with him, or your previous, failed relationships. This is about the way you see yourself, and why you don't feel you can compete. If you can identify the precise reason that you worry so much, you can deal with the panic and jealousy when it starts to erupt.When you feel that you're about to do something irrational, THINK! Force yourself to think: "what's the very worst that could happen if he sees a photo of a female friend?" He might be attracted, right? He might run off with her, mightn't he? OK. Could you change that if it happened? If the attraction between your boyfriend and a picture of a human female was strong enough to make him leave you, could you change his mind? The answer is, no, you couldn't. So, panic over these things gets you absolutely nowhere. I'm not saying you have to be fatalistic, but be realistic. So far, your b/f hasn't given any indication that he's going to stray, so give him the benefit of the doubt and concentrate on why you're so worried.Furthermore, your long-suffering b/f has already shown you that he understands your distress by asking the woman who sent him the photo not to do that, because it isn't fair to you. He's doing all he can to show he cares for you only and if you don't quickly learn to control your controlling rages, he'll get tired of tiptoeing around you all the time and will take to spending *more* time away from you, just to get some peace. He really will. You're in danger of creating the very situation that you say you want to avoid.Your physical symptoms are far beyond a normal jealousy response and I worry that you're actually putting yourself into danger of a stroke by allowing your fear and jealously to control you so much. You might consider talking to a doctor about these inappropriate responses and see if there's some medication that can keep you balanced while you work on your control issues.I wish you luck.
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