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male
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anonymous
writes: Ive been going out with this girl for a while now, Im 19 and shes 17.The thing is im still a virgin and she has been sexually active since she was 14. We've talked about it and she says its doesn't bother her. But I feel stupid and inferior especially when the subject of ex boyfriends comes up. She tells me about all the sexual experiences she has had and I dont think I would be able to satisfy her, and when she tells me about all the things she done, I start thinking about her and those other men and I get really worked up and angry. I feel so pathetic and considering most of her ex boyfriends have been much older and experienced, I feel she would cheat or leave me if I dont know what to do. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): i no da feelin its rele horrible but jus relax nd go wit da flow if u both want it, itl happen wen ur both ready, i had simular trouble at first but wen it happens its da best feelin u will have, trust me it'l happen wen the time is right for u BOTH gud lucky nd relax if she loves u shel understand dat its not easy for u
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 February 2006):
 For a start, you need to calm down and start thinking rationally.
Losing your virginity -- for anyone -- is largely a matter of timing and happenstance, sometimes luck. Some people find themselves in situations where sex happens earlier than for other people. So what?
This is just the way the chips fell for you and your girlfriend. If the situations were reversed, would you expect her to be worked up and angry at you? Simply for having lost your virginity? That's just not a reasonable response.
What you should be reminding yourself is that the losing of a person's virginity, and their sexual life generally, (and please read these next words slowly, as if I were tattooing them to your forehead)... is NOT a CONTEST that you are LOSING. Therefore there's no reason for you to be upset.
The reason that you're getting so worked up about this issue is that you feel inferior to your girlfriend. But why? You don't have to feel like you're "worse" than she is, because whether or not you've had sex is NOT the litmus test of your personality or manliness. Whether you treat her well and do things that make her happy is really the main indicator of those things.
Granted, she's not exactly making it easier for you to digest, because she's been bringing up her sexual past when she knows that you don't have one. It would be beneficial for you both to talk about your response to that, and maybe ask her not to mention it so often, because you're still a bit sensitive.
Are you two planning to have sex in the future? If you are, she'll obviously still remember what the first few times are like, and if she cares for you, then *naturally* she's not going to expect you to be Casanova when sex is still new to you. Most women are remarkably kind and understanding with their lovers... if you give them half a chance! If you think that your girlfriend is going to laugh and tell you that your lovemaking is pathetic and that you're a loser because she didn't have multiple orgasms -- this is astronomically unlikely, by the way -- then maybe this woman isn't the person you should be losing your virginity to.
However, if she says and shows that she loves you, then she's going to make allowances for your inexperience, and want to help you learn how to please both of you. That reaction -- unlike the silly one above -- is really to her benefit, and to yours, right?
Your concern that she'd "cheat or leave" is unfounded. Sex isn't that phenomenally important to women who are in love with their partners. Good sex is marvellous, but even mediocre sex can be improved with practice and care! So practice. And care!
Your girlfriend isn't going to leave you because you're not automatically the greatest lover ever. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
To me, it sounds like you're overdue to discuss your worries with her, because you sound like you're ready to walk away from the whole relationship on the basis that you *think* she *might* not be happy with your lovemaking when and if that happens.
That's a bit premature, don't you think?
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